Monday, March 31, 2008

Post partum

Well, not that you can do anything about it, or that I can do anything about it, but thought I might as well 'fess up that I'm in a severe depression. Basically all of March I've been sleeping 15 hours a day waking up around 4 pm from terrible nightmares, or laying on my couch crying. No particular reason I can identify, just general feeling overwhelm and worthless and unloved and wishing I wouldn't wake up.

I haven't been seeing friends or talking to them on the phone particularly for the last month, but I happened to somehow leave my house for breakfast last week to see a gfriend I hadn't seen in over a year...and she correctly diagnosed me: post partum. Pretty much kicked in the minute I was done with the movie. Pretty funny that me, the one who doesn't want kids, gets post partum from her art.

My friend's an artist, and said she sees it all the time and has been through it herself. Spending an intense, workaholic amount of time on one project, then having it suddenly done can make you feel really helpless and awful. Especially when you have to show it to the world and wait for judgement and approval and money, and it's your soul out there everyone's shitting on.

God, and the people who have seen the movie...everyone wants to know which scenes are real and if I've been sexually abused. I guess it's a compliment that the movie is so authentic and scary, but it's also weirdly sexist...does anyone ask Michael Bay if he's seen a robot?

I think I also suffered a few weird blows because I haven't had many friends interested in what I've been doing every waking minute since August. They pretty much could care less, which makes me question my friendships in LA. And then I had several men in a row use the idea of wanting to see the film as an obnoxious way to come on to me when I was really vulnerable, again without any interest in the work itself that I've poured myself into. That really freaking hurts, and makes me second guess myself, and what men want from me, and whether it's worth even trying...

I guess I need a new focus or project. But that involves figuring out if I should move away from LA, how I'm going to support myself now, why no one seems to find any of my skills paycheckworthy, why I'm so retarded that I can't seem to take care of myself...fixing all of that is not as interesting to me as going to my big ass fluffy bed and praying the universe just let's me out of all this nonsense.

Then again, Battlestar is ending, and it would really suck not to be able to tell mom how it finished and who the last cylon is. So that's a very good reason to stay on the planet and figure out how to make my life work and have some small measure of meaning.

Last week was a tiny bit better. Every other day I got out of the apartment for a couple hours for one chore or two. The sunshine really stung my eyes, and I could barely look people in the eye. I'm fragile, I guess.

Maybe this will be the week I have the willpower to stop hitting snooze.


Kate said...

More reason to treat your depression if you are fragile. To much sleep is not good so try and snap out of it because you have a lot of living to do - and this can not be done if you are a sleep all time.

kristen said...

I've been there, I completely know how you feel. It's really hard to break the cycle once you're in it. But you know your trigger -- boredom/restlessness/nothing happening -- so that's a start. Since the feelings won't change on their own, maybe try and find something to do with your days to help pull you out of the rut?
Preferably something sociable, like volunteering somewhere one day a week. Having somewhere to go and someone to depend on your presence can really help, I've found.

Shawna said...

Dinner. This week. Call me.

Anonymous said...

I think this is why Lindsay Lohan and others like her get "lost" -- they have nothing to do between projects and are at a loss because there is no longer any structure in their lives. You do have too much time on your hands. Get a little job like working at a bakery. Having a job gives you purpose, as you stated yourself.

AND you're being a bit too self-indulgent and drama queenish about the whole thing.

If you really had clinical depression, you would have been doing this during the filming of your movie.

The pity party is over -- I love my life; love yours!!

LoveThatRebecca said...

Just wanted to add: you are soooo brave.... you also wrote all of this down and described yourself... you observed yourself... which many don't have the strength or courage to do... you are BRAVE and COURAGEOUS... now it's April so I'm not sure if you are out of it or not, but get outside and watch that TV show for your mom.... you are BLESSED! you are LOVED! that is POWER of the ENERGY of the UNIVERSE!

Lynda said...

Have you considered talking to someone about this? I have gotten into ruts myself, but sleeping so much is pretty severe. And if you are thinking sucidial thoughts, you definately should see someone.

You aren't done here yet.

Anonymous said...

You do need to do something...what your describing is an emotional jumble-& it's not good. I dunno if you can afford a vacation but you need to shake things up, get outta town. Directing a movie-personal or fantasy, Dogme or blockbuster is stressful & exhausting. The director of one of last year's biggest movies would take the edge off @ crew parties with a bottle of wine in one hand & a bottle of Jack in the other.

Anonymous said...

What a talent you are! Saying goodbye to your "baby" is so difficult. No wonder you're sad. Go have another fantastic meal at that place at The Grove with some really good friends -- that will make you smile!

Kid Sis said...

Thanks are all much appreciated!!!! xoxoxo