Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Inside Elisabeth Fies

How can a woman spend 25 minutes in a Nordstrom dressing room staring at one dress?

Simple:

Hmmmn. I really can't tell if I like it.

Is this what it looked like online? I can't remember...

Maybe if I take my bra off...Oh Jesus Christ no. What the hell?!

This is couture, right? Diane Von Fursterwhatever...Berger.

$350.

Holy hell. I look like I'm presenting at the AVN's...

I don't understand. I must be wrong.

Maybe it looks okay. Maybe it's just the mirror.

I know! Take a picture!



No. That looks terrible.

Try a different angle. Act confident. Posture!

Oh good god.




I can't wear this on my date! He'd be horrified. I can't imagine watching his face as he sat across from me at a fancy dinner...Well. Maybe that French restaurant. Ha ha.

What does it look like sitting down?

Oh, not as bad as I thought. Nothing flopped out.

Good lord, am I sagging like a National Geographic tribeswoman? What is wrong with this goddamn dress? I have awesome breasts!

What did that doctor 90210 say about the woman with the perfect breasts? Measure 23 cm from here...do I have that? Of course, then he gave her implants anyway. Hollywood phony freak.

What if I pinned it...no, there's not enough material. Freaking Diane Whatserbutt and her A cup models.

I miss my perky A cups sometimes. Nah, life is much better curvier...Ha ha, wonder what would happen if I made this photo my Myspace profile? Oh, that's so common Lis. Eff off. You're better than that. Don't be like all the other LA trash.

My head hurts. Why did that bitch squirt perfume on me? Nasty.

What does this dress SAY about me? Besides paw at my boobs? God I don't want him to paw at my boobs. Yuck.

I must be wrong. Even the saleslady said this was her favorite dress, totally classy.

How do I look like a whore in it? I never look like a whore. Even when they dressed me like a whore on that tv show, they were all, "Ah, she's cute as a button..."

I'm so confused. I've got to get out of here. Is it the mirror?

Wait, did I tie the bow the wrong way?



Maybe if went up one more size, the top would close...

I don't want to buy one of those sticky bras. They hurt to peel off. And what if I decide to have sex with him? He has to peel it off? Ew. There's no way I'm wearing this dress and not having sex. But not the right kind of sex. I don't like this one bit.

Am I being a pussy? Maybe it's sensational, and I just don't know fashion. Take a chance!

Buy it. It's the only one left. Buy it before someone else does! You can always take it back...

No, don't buy it! You'll never wear it! Not for Him, or hIm, or that other hiM...

Christ, if you wore it out to the Grove parking lot, you'd be raped before you got to the car. And not only that, there's not a liberal judge in the land who wouldn't say you were asking for it.

I'm so confused.

I wonder what the security guard watching thinks. Do they erase the dressing room tapes? This'll probably end up on Youtube. Don't cry. Don't cry. Defintely don't pick your nose.

Just take it off.

Go home, look it up online again.

It's obviously not meant for you.

*Sigh.*

What a freaking disappointment.

Step out of the pretty thing, Lis. Back away.

Later, At home:

Oh. Yeah, it didn't look like that at all on me. Huh.


Screw it, I'll just wear the dress he liked last time and curl my hair. And...I'm ordering the lobster. For pain and suffering.

5 comments:

ecogrrl said...

You are hilarious. Love you and miss you. Sorry for being so out of the loop lately -- I'm coming back, I swear.

Kid Sis said...

Yea Meg!!!! Love and hugs to Twin Peaks land!!!

Heidi said...

what's with all these dates you haven't told me a damn thing about?! have fun. do things i wouldn't do!

Chris said...

Well, I personally like the dress better on you than on the model.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm "deep" and feel connected to you via your blog, or because I'm shallow and think you look hot.

Or maybe both.

Kid Sis said...

Heidi, I know!! Have we even girl-talked in a month? Hardly?

Chris! A man's opinion! Yea! Crap. Now I'm questioning buying the dress again... :) Maybe if I tied the bow in front like it was supposed to fit... sigh.

I don't know how comfortable I'm ever going to be with looking "hot" and all the ramifications that I have no idea how to deal with...I'm socially retarded just with men who think I'm "cute".

But I DO appreciate hearing it. Thank you.

Haha, did you guys hear that line on 30 Rock last night that Alec Baldwin said to Edie Falco?

"I thought you made love like an ugly girl...present and grateful!"

Ha ha ha!