So...I have many contacts/old friends/old workmates in the industry asking me what the eff I'm doing. As in, why aren't I out there selling and actively interviewing for assignments.
They mean it in the nicest way. With that strange quizzical look in their eye. The industry concensus appears to be that I'm beyond ripe, and a bit crazy to not be making money in LA.
Sigh. It's really hard to explain. They don't quite buy it when I say Mom's health, or that I'm depressed about said situation. Probably because I'm still extremely productive when depressed.
I think what it really is...my first fear of failure. Never really had it before. Afraid I'm going to let down all the silenced people I'm trying to represent. That voice in my head keeps saying "Wait...you're not ready yet."
Best summation of the cognitive dissonance in my head is Neo and Oracle in the kitchen.
NEO I'm not the One.
ORACLE Sorry, kid. You got the gift but looks like you're waiting for something.
ORACLE Your next life, maybe. Who knows. That's how these things go.
And meanwhile I've got all these powerful people in my life waiting for me to jump off the building toward the helicopter.
Just had this whole conversation last night, and last Wednesday, and I'm getting ready to go to an industry BBQ where I have to have it all over again.
I'm such a fucktard. How long are movie people trying to help willing to wait before they rescind their kind offers?