Okay, if you're one of my sensitive readers or Mom's friends from home, LOOK AWAY. I'm going to be talking about girl stuff.
Went to the gyne for my annual. Beloved doctor I've had for twelve years now. And I'm very sad because he seemed really sad. Deflated. On the way out, another patient stopped me to discuss how wonderful he is (and he is...he's one of two surrogate father figures of mine) and mentioned that the reason the waiting room is so cleared out is because he's no longer delivering babies. Something to do with insurance.
So now I've missed out on my fav doctor walking me through that milestone. Which really sucks, because if Mom isn't around for it, they're won't be anyone I trust or love to help me through it. And I'm a big pussy about the whole baby thing.
I wish the universe would stop sending me signals that I've completely blown my life.
Ah well. Maybe I'm one of those women who is going to have lots of cats and adopted babies when I'm fifty.
The other reason I was bummed to go is because he's always so disappointed when I have to report no sexual activity. He'd love to see me happily married and with kids, but in the absence of that, he'd be very supportive if I was enjoying sex. With someone. He wasn't as shocked this year. Just...sad.
I mentioned that all the great guys have girlfriends they won't leave for me. And he shrugged about the girlfriends and said "Even so..."
Which is actually something I've been thinking about all week. How come I have to be the one alone because I'm sticking to the Woman's Code of Honor? I still get dirty looks from the girlfriends when their boyfriends hit on me, even though I've never broken up a relationship. But I'm starting to think, why not? Most guys aren't ever alone...they flit from one relationship to another and often have the next one lined up before they leave. So my code effectively keeps me alone. What good is it doing anyone? If these guys were in love they would have married the girl by now. Having a girlfriend in your thirties just isn't that serious.
And they definitely wouldn't be talking to a group of people at a party while covertly rubbing their back against my back (while she's off somewhere else in the room). If they're such a perfect couple, why the magnetic/soul-matie connection to me? Not that that's happened recently with someone who asked for my number the month before, then met me again and had no memory of me, but connected with me AGAIN across a crowded room. Isn't he just going to leave her anyway and is looking for a nudge? I'm looking for a nudge. With a soul mate.
Which got me to thinking about another script idea (like I need ANOTHER one...ugh...I'm one of those writers with too many thoughts. Yes, that's an effing problem.). What with Adrian Lyne and Zalman King out of the "respectable erotica features for women" category, I should write a movie about a thirty-something woman who ends up paying for good sex so that she can avoid the complications of further bad relationships. Not that that has occurred to me recently. No.
* Ammendment for my FREAKING OUT READERS:
Whoa ladies. I would never shtupp a guy who was with another girl. My ego couldn't take it. I need to be the only chicita.
Rereading what I posted, the confusion is that I mixed up my timelines. Three years ago there was a guy who kept his relationship a secret (we hadn't even kissed, but lots of meaningful talks and connections and all that jazz) until it got the point where I declared my feelings and he said "Huh? Thought you knew I had a girlfriend."
Not the case with Recent Guy, who is quite similar in both soulmate potential and in relationship unavailability. Which got me examining, Carrie Bradshaw-like, "What exactly is unavailable about a guy with a girlfriend? How far can you ethically go to steal them away?"
The fact that I hardly will even flirt with them if they're "taken", that I shut them down immediately and run away...means that there's no reason for them to consider dumping their girlfriend for me. So, they don't.
How much does it take to get a guy to dump his girlfriend? Do I go as far as kissing him? I always thought even talking to much to a "committed" guy was too much. It was dirty pool. But maybe it isn't.
That's what was different this time. When he pressed his back against mine, I PRESSED BACK.
And yes, I know it makes him a cad and therefore unworthy. But clearly some concessions are going to have to be made.