Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Time Marches On

Okay, if you're one of my sensitive readers or Mom's friends from home, LOOK AWAY. I'm going to be talking about girl stuff.

Went to the gyne for my annual. Beloved doctor I've had for twelve years now. And I'm very sad because he seemed really sad. Deflated. On the way out, another patient stopped me to discuss how wonderful he is (and he is...he's one of two surrogate father figures of mine) and mentioned that the reason the waiting room is so cleared out is because he's no longer delivering babies. Something to do with insurance.

So now I've missed out on my fav doctor walking me through that milestone. Which really sucks, because if Mom isn't around for it, they're won't be anyone I trust or love to help me through it. And I'm a big pussy about the whole baby thing.

I wish the universe would stop sending me signals that I've completely blown my life.

Ah well. Maybe I'm one of those women who is going to have lots of cats and adopted babies when I'm fifty.

The other reason I was bummed to go is because he's always so disappointed when I have to report no sexual activity. He'd love to see me happily married and with kids, but in the absence of that, he'd be very supportive if I was enjoying sex. With someone. He wasn't as shocked this year. Just...sad.

I mentioned that all the great guys have girlfriends they won't leave for me. And he shrugged about the girlfriends and said "Even so..."

Which is actually something I've been thinking about all week. How come I have to be the one alone because I'm sticking to the Woman's Code of Honor? I still get dirty looks from the girlfriends when their boyfriends hit on me, even though I've never broken up a relationship. But I'm starting to think, why not? Most guys aren't ever alone...they flit from one relationship to another and often have the next one lined up before they leave. So my code effectively keeps me alone. What good is it doing anyone? If these guys were in love they would have married the girl by now. Having a girlfriend in your thirties just isn't that serious.

And they definitely wouldn't be talking to a group of people at a party while covertly rubbing their back against my back (while she's off somewhere else in the room). If they're such a perfect couple, why the magnetic/soul-matie connection to me? Not that that's happened recently with someone who asked for my number the month before, then met me again and had no memory of me, but connected with me AGAIN across a crowded room. Isn't he just going to leave her anyway and is looking for a nudge? I'm looking for a nudge. With a soul mate.

Which got me to thinking about another script idea (like I need ANOTHER one...ugh...I'm one of those writers with too many thoughts. Yes, that's an effing problem.). What with Adrian Lyne and Zalman King out of the "respectable erotica features for women" category, I should write a movie about a thirty-something woman who ends up paying for good sex so that she can avoid the complications of further bad relationships. Not that that has occurred to me recently. No.

* Ammendment for my FREAKING OUT READERS:

Whoa ladies. I would never shtupp a guy who was with another girl. My ego couldn't take it. I need to be the only chicita.

Rereading what I posted, the confusion is that I mixed up my timelines. Three years ago there was a guy who kept his relationship a secret (we hadn't even kissed, but lots of meaningful talks and connections and all that jazz) until it got the point where I declared my feelings and he said "Huh? Thought you knew I had a girlfriend."

Riiiiight.

Not the case with Recent Guy, who is quite similar in both soulmate potential and in relationship unavailability. Which got me examining, Carrie Bradshaw-like, "What exactly is unavailable about a guy with a girlfriend? How far can you ethically go to steal them away?"

The fact that I hardly will even flirt with them if they're "taken", that I shut them down immediately and run away...means that there's no reason for them to consider dumping their girlfriend for me. So, they don't.

How much does it take to get a guy to dump his girlfriend? Do I go as far as kissing him? I always thought even talking to much to a "committed" guy was too much. It was dirty pool. But maybe it isn't.

That's what was different this time. When he pressed his back against mine, I PRESSED BACK.

And yes, I know it makes him a cad and therefore unworthy. But clearly some concessions are going to have to be made.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it sucks about OB doctors. One of my friends had to go with a doctor she didn't really like, just because she didn't realize, oh, say, two years ahead of her pregnancy that she needed to be looking for an OB/GYN. In fact, there's a shortage of OB/GYN docs all over the country. But there are doctors to be had, if you start looking now.

PS. In the VF article, Jen Aniston said she is going start a family next year with or without a partner. A nice little eff-you to Brad, I guess.

PPS. Did you hear that Sienna Miller is 9-weeks pregnant with Jude Law's baby? And she dumped him, anyway, to go it alone.

PPPS. You know what I think? You could definitely score sex in El Lay. Oh yeah, baby. You're supercute. But would it be worth it to do just anybody? And would your soul mate be the kind of man who would betray a promise he made to someone else? I dunno. I mean, if he's veeeeery hot, like Clive Owen, maybe. But I think the better approach to stealing a man would be to "Angelina" it -- make the guy want you so much that he dumps his wife, then pounce on him. Not your fault. Right?

NN

Cookie said...

Kid Sis Kid Sis Kid Sis! What am I going to do with you??

Yesterday at the little store up the road, I asked the cool and fabulous little chef from Louisiana if her husband did such and such.

She replied "Ex-husband."

I replied "Wait, no I mean this husband."

She replied "I divorced him."

After i picked my jaw up from the floor, I asked why. I thought they had the perfect marriage. But just a few months after she moved up here and they got married and were settling in, she found out he had a girlfriend.

So she flushed him, which is GOOD FOR HER!!!!

And that's what you're asking for if you just start screwing around with anyone.

It's not that you have to have the perfect guy. It's that you don't date your friends' boyfriends. Period.

But if the only guys you know are your friends' boyfriends, you got a problem.

BUT that problem is easily solved by getting out more and exploring new horizons.

Just. Don't. Mess. With. The. Friends'. Boyfriends.

And remember, it's okay to be picky, as LONG as you're picky about the right things.

MoDigli said...

NOOOooooo!!!! Kid Sis must not settle. Don't forget Nutritious and Delicious! ... But paying for that soul-awakening sex might be a happy medium in the meantime. LOL!

The kind of guy that's right for you is not a very common man. That's the shitty part about being so damn fabulous.

Patrick said...

Elizabeth,

I know somewhat how you feel. The very few women I've recently approached all seem to be taking a break from involvement in any romantic relationships. At best, you have some options. Better than none at all. Loneliness of any kind is no picnic. Single people such as ourselves can't be careless about sex these days, even if the urge for intimacy has you ready to cry. Hope I've been of some help.

Hope things are stabalizing as far as Mom's health is concerned. Give Barbara a hug for me.

Bye for now. Sincerely,

Patrick

American Knight said...

You are without a doubt an amazing woman, with an equally amazing family and as such should find someone equally amazing. You will find him, patience is key but so is an enviornment that allows that. But sometimes certain things in life take precedence or overshadow other aspects , it's a struggle - then again anything worth having in life never comes easy.

Kid Sis said...

NN, 1. Great.
2. Heard she started crying when the interviewer asked her about Brad and Angelina starting a family. :(
3. Woooooow. First time I liked her. 9 weeks is nothing; 1 in 4 miscarry. She shouldn't have said anything yet.
4. Funny hown noone has a problem with me paying for sex. Too bad I have no money.
5. No, but relationships get renogotiated all the time...maybe a promise to a girlfriend can be ended with honor. A parting of the ways.

Cookie, but what if I end the relationship? And these girls are definitely not friends of mine. The one wouldn't even speak to me, which is a dumb move...I would never screw over a girlfriend.

Mo, I had an acting coach tell me something like that...TEN LONG YEARS AGO. How long exactly am I supposed to put up with being alone? I've had less sex than anyone I know outside of a nun.

Patrick, thanks. One vote for no hookers. Got it.

AK, Thanks, and true. Sigggghhhhh. Three years of this shit is a long time.

Anonymous said...

Did I say you should pay for sex? No way! Honey, I think you could get sex for free just walking down the street with that ass!

Yeah, Jen was crying about the break-up, especially as it (ostensibly) involved someone else, but she's ready to move and do what she needs for herself. And I think that's just great.

I don't think Sienna told everyone about the pregnancy intentionally. Think it got into the tabloids somehow... and of course, it's just a rumor. Sometimes the tabloids are right (Britney Spears) and sometimes they're wrong (Demi Moore, to wit).

Well, I dunno about the renegotiation bit. From a girlfriend's POV, I don't think you'd be a welcome added element to a relationship in progress. I'm not an expert -- heck, I've never cheated or been cheated on -- but it sounds pretty painful to me. It seems like if you respect someone, you would break up with them before you cheated. (This can still cause pain: e.g., Jen and Brad.) Anyway, you'd probably only want to be with a man who enough respect for women that he wouldn't cheat (cf. Jude Law -- nanny on the pool table? Gross).

I think I read somewhere that statistically, adulterous relationships don't often work out, long term -- so it may not even be worth your time. But nabbing a husband is different than nabbing a boyfriend, in most cases, I would think. The downside: you'd lose that friend and maybe gain a man who would cheat on you next (e.g., Jude Law leaving Sadie for Sienna then cheating on Sienna).

Why all this talk about stealing, anyway? YOU DON'T NEED TO, GRRL. I'm telling you -- take off your damn thongs (shoes, I mean), take Hero to Runyon Canyon, and batta-boom, batta-bing, you're gonna meet some hot-ass men.

XOXO
NN

Kid Sis said...

NN girl, you've got to reread my updated post girl. No one's cheating. But thanks for complimenting my ass. I kid you not, I've been knocking things over with it as of late. Sigh. Having real T & A ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Check out poor Sienna. God those fug ladies make me laugh. Their commentary is the best ever. Who can't identify wit their breakup scenario?

Here's some Jude Law news.
From Defamer, natch. God I wish I could write that good:

Since all tabloid fetuses are highly theoretical creatures, like six-legged llamas made of white chocolate, the world should hold any judgmental tsk-tsking directed at Law’s naughty baby-making boomstick (hasn’t he suffered enough?) until next week, when it will almost certainly be posited that the actor has also knocked up the nanny.

In happier news, someone is trying to auction the pool table on which Law and his stroller-pushing strumpet performed a variety of sex acts during the filming of All the King’s Men. We bet that if you press your ear to the table’s felt, you can hear a chorus of angels singing “Superfreak.”

moses said...

here's one of the problems, sex -- relationship ... the two don't always go hand in hand. great sex -- bad relationship, bad sex -- great relationship, bad sex -- bad relationship

of course bad and good aren't the only variants involved, nor the only adjectives, but it's tough to get the two lined up, especially in the beginning, cause, really, you just don't know.

if you were askin' and I know you're not, but if you were, I'd say nothing because you strike me as an intelligent, witty, and sexy women who may not always make the right choices (I mean, who does that, except maybe our President) but you will attempt to make the most compassionate one. and that's the balls...

Lynne said...

I say anyone not married is fair game. (with the exception of your friend's boyfriends, as you've already stated)

Do what you gotta do.

MoDigli said...

10 years ago, huh? ... Jeeez. That sucks.
Would it make you feel any better to know I'm still single and need more than one hand to count the # of years older I am than you!??

Hmmmm.... let's see now....

Maybe a little more S-Factor attitude will bring those WORTHY hot men your way? Remember how you felt when you did that sexy dance just for the teacher?

I think exuding that attitude will bring the right person your way. Let those bees get a little whiff of your honey, honey! LOL!... now I'm cracking myself up. heheheh....

Anyway, Is that better advice?! LOL! ;)
(Why am I giving advice again, since I'm single, too?!)

Christina said...

I don't genarally like men who look around while with girlfriends...but if you wait till the girlfriend dissapears....more power to you! Power to your family! Love, Peace, Adornment and again Love

Anonymous said...

Sorry -- didn't mean to suggest you *would* cheat with a man who had a girlfriend/wife/SO. I know you wouldn't.

I was just following, a la Hegelian dialectic, the path of your Bradshaw-like thoughts: you press back, you connect with him, you meet for coffee, he tells you he's unhappy with his girl and that they're going to break up soon, you get emotionally (if not physically) involved, he doesn't dump her, you get screwed.

You already know all this, I'm sure. I just don't want to see you get hurt. That's the only reason I press the issue.

I think you're wishing you had a mate to help you through your current situation. But I wonder if it wouldn't take more out of you than you could handle right now, dealing with another person's needs. Let alone a baby. You know? It's not like you haven't had offers recently -- men doggedly pursuing you like you was a open can o' puppy chow, grrl -- but I think you've been right to go it alone until you're really ready to look around. If you think about it (glass half full), you've made a *choice* to take some time off the dating game so that you could focus on your family and your blossoming new career. And then you'll be ready when you meet the right person. I think it's brave.

But grrl, you better be ready for me to come to LA, 'cuz you are getting rid of your thongs, taking a trip to spa, putting on the ritz, and going out to meet people!

XOXO
NN

Anonymous said...

PS. There is a movie about a mid-30s woman ordering up a man from an escort service: "The Wedding Date," with Debra Messing (I just love her) and Dermot Mulroney. She pays for a date, they end up falling in love... you get the picture.

Kid Sis said...

Moses, don't I know it. Very well put. You should check out Modigli's infamous "Delicious vs. Nutritious" debate. Universe didn't leave us very satisfactory choices, did it? Yeah, me and the compassionate choice is the balls. Guess I was just venting. Being Faux Mother Teresa gets old sometimes, you know? I mean, what am I getting for it (and thus the Faux element).

Lynne, see, that's what I'm thinking. Game on. I'm tired of watching everyone else play. Why should I be all high and mighty when no one else is playing fair?

Mo, yeah it sucks. I eschewed relationships during my long years of rehab, than tentatively dated and only found guys with my dad's bad qualities...which was more draining, so I decided not to date or ended things after a few dates as soon as I could tell I was going to be dragged down again. I do manage to attract the antisocial, antifamily, needy depressed artist types who are never happy with me. Not a good match.

Kid Sis said...

Christina, yes, we're definitely lowering our standards. But if that's what it takes to be with someone amazing...

NN, Gotcha! And very relieved. Soooo you think guys with girlfriends are just as likely to try to have two birds as once. Ech.

Thank you for the kind words about being alone. You're right. But I am a woman in her thirties with "needs", and I wonder at what point suppressing that will manifest in ME as disease. What I'm attempting to do isn't natural or healthy...if I were a priest I'd be molesting choir boys by now.

Ah, The Wedding Date. Must rent so as not to copy. Though I'm thinking more like a cross between 9 1/2 Weeks and that amazing indie movie about the emotionally unavailable guy who hires a hooker in Vegas and doesn't leave the room until he hits her...it's about five years old, and sooooo good...what the hell was that called? Some fabulous director, like but not Ang Lee, bravely experimenting with the real emotions behind sex. God I loved that. Anyway, mine would be about a woman who has always played by the rules and because of all the modern complications, hires some hunk to give her oral sex every Thursday night... and how that devolves.

Kid Sis said...

God, what was the fracking name of that movie? He was a programmer from San Fran during the Net Boom, so he had lots of money and no social skills/life. She fell for him and thought he was sweet until the hitting incident showed this other bizarre control freak side of him. And there was one other character, an ex g-f or friend or someone they visited in Vegas who sort of warned the hooker....that's all I can remember, other than him lying on the hotel ground after the violence. Oh yeah, and it was one of the first films shot on digital. Helen, are you out there? do you know what I'm talking about?

MoDigli said...

I agree that it's pointless to "log asshole time" so to speak. (been there, done that. More than once or twice! LOL) You and I both are holding out for the good stuff. Hang in there, sister, cause I'm hanging right next to you! :)