Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Apropos of nothing

So do you hate watching me on webcam? Is that what the silence means? You know how I read into things.

Drew Barrymore just solved my cougar age dilemma for me by attacking Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl in public. Apparently a dozen years age difference is perfectly acceptable. She freaking rules. I'm sorry, I wore out my DVR watching him make out with Blair on Gossip Girl last week. There is nothing more sexually titilating to a woman in her O prime than a man who knows how to grab a woman and KISS HER. Ravage me, Chuck Bass. Want me. jeebus.

I love that they were making out to Sex on Fire. That is one hoooot song. By the way, dating this guy is going to last even less time than I predicted she'd be with Justin Long. Notice how her two arms are around him and he's holding back a little? Yup. Same with how she leaned all over Justin Long. Ladies, lean back and let the guy come to you if you want it to last. It's not in men's nature to enjoy being chased. Speaking of:

Just got my first marriage proposal on Match. From a conservative. He offered to write me a poem, a screenplay, and a song all in one evening if I just smiled and giggled at him. This email was his opener to me; first time I've ever heard from him. I told you; conservative men flat-out love me. Can't get a liberal guy to commit like that. He even offered to move from Ohio ANYWHERE. I am not fucking kidding. In case you wonder how I end up happy in Prague or Berlin having sex everyday and swearing dinosaur bones were planted, it started today.

In case you want to immigrate with me to Canada, be warned.

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada (a very underground paper):

A flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past weeks, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

More after the jump

1 comment:

Kid Sis said...

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border; pack them into Volvo station wagons; drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?