Friday, September 19, 2008

MATCH.com cognitive dissonance

For the record, let me just say...it's super flattering. However:

I'm in so much trouble now if they call to book me. They've been running the 15 second ads of CuteBritChick non-stop on TV, and I did a little research and LOOOOOOOK!!!! Online the ladies aren't anonymous!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The ads are beautiful and lovely, Match did a great job...

The Hilary Swank clone I told you about:


Oh crikey. This situation is so much potential trouble. I feel sick to my stomach again...I mean, it's exposure, but it's MASS EXPOSURE inviting freaks and stalkers and masturbators who make rude online comments like "I'm going to make you explode" and and and...

Ohhhhhhh noooooo. Avoiding this type of horrifying exposure is why I'm just a writer, pulling the puppet strings. Do you know how many freaks are out there? Oh god, me giggling in a commercial like this is an even worse idea than the former Playmate boss who wanted to get me into Playboy a decade ago...

Oh I have a headache now. God. The only good thing I can think of is...can I change my profile name? I promised the investors I'd do everything to get their money back...okay, if I can change my name to CommuneMovie.com I will do it. Otherwise HELL TO THE NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!

Ohhhhh Universe, when I asked and asked for help and support, I didn't mean exposing me to danger and ridicule and mean mean horny men tearing apart my looks and blogging about tearing apart my asshole...I just wanted a straightforward little distribution deal for my movie that paid back my investors...

I never thought I'd be sitting here crying about the possibility of being offered a national commercial. Shit. Okay. They're not going to ask me and I won't have to choose...


Double dammit. Remember when I said my lesson this fall was to get a thicker skin and not care about anyone's opinion?

What if this commercial could be how my guy finds me? Men are the ones who always know on first sight and move heaven and earth to be with their one, so I SHOULD put myself out there massively so he can track me down...

I mean, yes, I could also get tracked down by some inmate penpals and stalkers and need a PO Box for the rest of my life like my former boss (I'm not kidding...over the years her entire 10k for the spread went to protection from the freaks still stalking her twenty years later)...but if there's a chance this could be how the love of my life found me...

Thick skin. eLizardBreath Fleas, Get. a. thick. skin.

God look at these guys' ads...I've literally never seen them anywhere, and I had those women's ads etched in my subconcious...so they're definitely still putting all the money into enticing men to sign up. Ergo, they would run my ad/any female ad they paid money to shoot often, and make it as sexy sweet as they can to make it appeal to the most...uhhhhhhh...my head is buzzing with spidey sense again...


Oops. That one wasn't flattering. "I can't wait until my ex-girlfriend sees this." WOW. There's a whole other issue...My god, my exes already want to rain all fiery hellfire down on me for leaving them...one even went around for years telling people he put a black magic curse on me because I didn't marry him...(I'm not kidding...I don't need help meeting freaks.)

I wonder which hobby of mine piqued Match's interest? The comics? The movies? The sci-fi? The feminist poledancing? Full-contact self-defense? Eating anything in butter and garlic?

David Lynch?

I do get a lot of emails about my David Lynch love.

Maybe Match wants to go edgier. Have a red curtain and have me chase a dwarf.

I could giggle and chase a dwarf.

Yeah. I'm giggling right now. Actually, I like that. I think my soulmate would like that.

I should make a little internet short. Okay, this is good. Now I'm crying laughing. Back in control. Just need to run an ad on craigslist for a dwarf actor. Or make Lago do it, like Mike Myers in the SNL sketch. :) Dude. I'm texting Lago right now. He can carry his Emmy and be Dorf!


Oh wait, I've got their next commercial right here. Maybe not a national. It's for the internet Suicide Girls crowd:


FADE IN:

Softly lit black and white studio. CommuneMovie.com enters abruptly in her new eyeglasses and her S-Factor feminist stipper outfit, running in continuous circles flapping her arms like a nervous chicken.

COMMUNEMOVIE.COM
(retching and vomiting as she runs in six inch empowering stripper heels)
I don't know if this is a good idea...Could I just do a Herpes national commercial instead...? Please...?

ON CARD: Match.com. It's alright to look.
FADE OUT.


Man. They would sell soooo many memberships.

8 comments:

Marty Nozz said...

DO THE DWARF THING! THE PEOPLE DEMAND IT!

Well, maybe they don't demand it, but damn it all anyways that would be funny as hell.

Even better put it together and when they do call you tell them, 'Oh, don't worry. I already did one for you' and send it to them. 'What? That's not the type of commercial you were hoping for? Gosh, the folks on youtube seemed to like it.'

Of course then they might not want you on their site.

As for actually doing the ad, would it be possible for you to contact some of the other women that did ads and see how their experience was?

Kid Sis said...

Oh Marty, you always get me.

Capital suggestions, my good man! I shall begin searching for the fair lasses and construction on the dwarf commercial post hence! I do think it should be subtle...he should dart out from behind me at the end like the dude in rollergirl's ad. Who was that random guy, a cameraman?

And Gene Wilder DOES have dreamy eyes. I also adore that low anxious hum he makes when he's in trouble. If they do let me do the puking add, I shall add it to my repertoire.

Marty Nozz said...

Make it a Gene Wilder impersonating dwarf! He can hum at all the puking. All subtle like, and the ads will be in black and white so OF COURSE it will be tasteful.

I'm sure the world is ready for a self-consuming, deconstructionist advertisement for a dating website.

Kid Sis said...

Well, obviously!

Hugo Fuchs said...

I like the commercial idea, but you call it Smatch.com so that it's just a parody and protected by law and not slander.

If they call you up for the commercial, and you don't want to do it, tell them your fees for directing it. When they say they want you to act in it, just say you misinterpreted what they wanted. You thought they wanted you to direct the commercials.

Doubt they'd go for it, but you never know.
:)

Kid Sis said...

Wow Hugo. Thanks for the free consultation! Awesome idea!

Kid Sis said...

Advice requests are off to LaSirene and CuteBrit. Ginger is no longer on the site. Hope it's because she's happily dating!

Kid Sis said...

Found 3 more ladies I emailed. So out of seven ads, 6 of the ladies are still single. Yikes!

looks like this commercial probably wouldn't change my life one way or another!