Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I just learned a life lesson from One Tree Hill

That's such a fucking wrong sentence. Nonetheless:

"Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt. We gave it everything we could, but it just didn’t work out."

Oh, and they had ANOTHER truth we already know:

HALEY: What’s the first thing I taught you about writing?
SAM: Tell the truth.

And yes I'm still drunk. Shut up. You with your happy happy life, and your frequent sex. Fuck off.

Now I'm watching HOUSE. And thinking about how I used to happily poledance to the themesong.

WILSON to House: I don't want you to be fine, I want you to be happy.

Happy. Everyone's bloody happy.

Seriously, where is MY happy life? Where, I ask ye...And how is it fair that I've had sex in my LIFETIME less times than Dr. Oz recommends IN A YEAR?*

I had a psychic tell me five years ago I was going to get cancer if I didn't start having sex, and I've STILL only had sex seven times since then.

I am soooo going to die of cancer. And tearful masturbation.


Did anyone else watch the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA series finale and think that the guy who played Sean Ellison should be my husband? Smitten, adoring puppy-dog eyes and all?

* The answer: 200 times a year.

"If you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiologic age by six years," Dr. Oz says, basing this number on a study from researchers at Duke University who surveyed people about the amount and quality of sex they had. "They looked at what happened to folks that are having a lot of intercourse over time, and the fact is, it correlated." Frequent sex helps prove that your body is functioning as it is supposed to. "But in addition, having sex with someone that you care for deeply is one of the ways we achieve that Zen experience that we all crave as human beings," says Dr. Oz. "It's really a spiritual event for folks when they're with someone they love and they can consummate it with sexual activity...seems to offer some survival benefit."

EDIT: I guess you're really supposed to count the ACTUAL number of times you've had intercourse, which means I could double my number. Still nowhere near 200 times a year. Though then it seems the important thing is that you've had an ORGASM, which is dumb of Dr. Oz to equate with penetration for women....cut my number in half again...but then add on oral sex...and that Jeremy gave me two dozen orgasms in one night with his amazing hands...and I guess masturbation doesn't count as orgasm becuase I don't get the "zen experience we all crave as human beings".

This math is WAY too confusing and depressing, and still adds up to me dying from not having enough soul-connected sex. Fuck you all and your happy zen sex. Fuckers.

1 comment:

Hugo Fuchs said...

If you're having sex 200 times a year, you'd better be F*****g happy about that. I'd say that it should be higher, but life puts a damper on things too often.

I get way more orgasms than that a year... unfortunately also partner free.
I miss having that Zen sex connection.