Friday, April 18, 2008

I Want to Believe

I already believe in X-Files, I'm fine with the sequel title. That poster of Mulder's was iconic, and anyone who's bitching about it is just lame.

Okay, I want to believe in love and partnership. I really really do. Remember that FEELING I described here? That thing of watching Jeremy wipe the drool off my arm and feeling the fluttering of a thousand birds' wings in my heart? (I know, it doesn't sound romantic, but the feeling in my heart was SO TRUE).

I got a LITTLE tiny flutter tonight. First time since July. Maybe, like...20 birds? But it was soooo good!

I was watching "The Office", and Jim said he'd bought an engagment ring for Pam a week after they started dating. And he was so happy.

Oh my god. That was great.

Okay. I'm officially not dead inside. My feelings are still hurt on top of my chest, a little ashy and shriveled up like an alien, but there's a tiny little heartlight inside. E.T. might just make it if someone could reach out and touch him...

So okay, I'm still hurt and feeling unconfident and what feelings of mine to trust and whether Jeremy's awful-feeling actions in the morning and thereafter really nullify the things he said and his actions the night before. I know what the conventional wisdom is for judging men (actions not words), but I know what I have to believe to ever have self-esteem again. If I have to lie to myself about him being a good man and things between us being authentic the night before and not just about him getting laid and tossing me out, well, you know what? People have lied to themselves about worse. And who knows, maybe it's true. I'll never know regardless. Might as well pick whatever can make me feel less terrible and powerless for not sticking up for myself or defining better boundaries that wouldn't lead to me being treated poorly afterwards while I trusted him and believed he'd do better by me eventually.

And I deserve to have one nice memory god dammit. I mean, I'm not lying to myself about killing Jews in WW2 or making children work in a factory, so eff off critical voice inside my head. Besides, next time I meet someone I fancy, even if it does take another five years, I will be ready with healthy boundaries in place and great communication skills and knowing what I need to be happy. And maybe he'll buy an engagement ring to carry around with him a week after he meets me...

Like Michael said on The Office tonight: "I'm ready to get hurt again."

Also, started another blog, specifically about PAX and Trusting Men. Because I find a reason to appreciate men everyday, and I don't want to be warbling about it here all the time.


Michael said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep your head up. I love reading the honesty that is in your blog. In this dishonest world that can become a liability, but I think it can be an awesome stength. Hey, if you get to the point that you feel your not writing enough I voluteer to be a writing partner, just to keep you working. :>)

Kid Sis said...

Ha ha, a musical, right? What a challenge!!

Anonymous said...

"lying to myself about killing Jews" Dude, wait, what? You don't blog about your dad a lot, but are you inferring you feel guilt about being German? As a people, the most drama-filled, stubborn, screwed in the head types you'll ever run into are Deutsch(I can say that) but to infer baggage over WW2 is silly. You need to sit down & read up on Carl Schurz, if that don't work look up the White Rose Faction. auf wiedersehen

Anonymous said...

It is natural to feel hurt after what happened. Focus on on all the good stuff in your life (your movies, your passion, good friends).

Did you see the Drew Barrymore movie "Ever After"? I cannot remember the exact quote. Drew told Angelica Huston and one or two stepsisters "You will remember me for the rest of your life but I will never give you another thought after today".

Say to yourself "Jeremy, you will remember me for the rest of your life, but I will not think of you".

Forget that loser. You are better off without him. You really know in your heart that you do not want him. You liked the idea of him.

I went through a similar experience about a year ago. I met this guy online. I thought he was the bee's knees. We had a 6 hour date. I thought we had a lot of chemistry. He kissed me passionately and awakened my sexual feelings. I had not felt this way for a long time. I am so mad because he and I never had sex. Less than 24 hours after our first and last date, he said "no sparks". I did not believe him. If that was true, why did we kiss passionately?

I sent him an email telling him that! He said he will not be a lame-o and invited me to dinner. He would cook Thai coconut soup. Guess what? After two weeks, he lied to me and said he found someone else.

I never had sex with him! Which is better? To have sex or to never have sex with this guy? Never saw him again. I had not thought of him since the last email from him until I read your post. Never had sex with him nor did I have any of his Thai soup :(

I have to remind myself that it is important to love myself first before I find a partner. It is too easy to depend on someone else to make me happy. No one can make me happy. I have to be happy first. I notice that I become attractive when I am happy.

Did you see 7th Heaven? It was a tv series about a preacher and his kids. When Lucy was mourning her break up, she was worried about not having a boyfriend. Her dad suggested that she find something that she really enjoys doing and have a fulfilling life.

A good friend and I had a conversation about meeting men. She said that when a woman is independent and busy, it is less threatening to the man. I agree with that.

You never know. You could meet a guy when you go out to get the newspaper or take your dog for a walk.

Ms. Still Looking for the One

Jake said...

Why all the despondency - let your hair down and live a little. Good luck

Kid Sis said...

A1, no...and I don't have a factory of underaged children either! I'm saying my self-lies don't compare badly to others' on the planet.

A2, you're so sweet. Thanks for writing. I appreciate it.

Jake, I don't know, I think this level of despondency is pretty normal for women when they get rejected after giving their hearts over like that. But thanks, I'll try to live more. But no point in doing the things that feel like death to me. Women and men are just always going to be biologically different that way.

Anonymous said...