I already believe in X-Files, I'm fine with the sequel title. That poster of Mulder's was iconic, and anyone who's bitching about it is just lame.
Okay, I want to believe in love and partnership. I really really do. Remember that FEELING I described here? That thing of watching Jeremy wipe the drool off my arm and feeling the fluttering of a thousand birds' wings in my heart? (I know, it doesn't sound romantic, but the feeling in my heart was SO TRUE).
I got a LITTLE tiny flutter tonight. First time since July. Maybe, like...20 birds? But it was soooo good!
I was watching "The Office", and Jim said he'd bought an engagment ring for Pam a week after they started dating. And he was so happy.
Oh my god. That was great.
Okay. I'm officially not dead inside. My feelings are still hurt on top of my chest, a little ashy and shriveled up like an alien, but there's a tiny little heartlight inside. E.T. might just make it if someone could reach out and touch him...
So okay, I'm still hurt and feeling unconfident and what feelings of mine to trust and whether Jeremy's awful-feeling actions in the morning and thereafter really nullify the things he said and his actions the night before. I know what the conventional wisdom is for judging men (actions not words), but I know what I have to believe to ever have self-esteem again. If I have to lie to myself about him being a good man and things between us being authentic the night before and not just about him getting laid and tossing me out, well, you know what? People have lied to themselves about worse. And who knows, maybe it's true. I'll never know regardless. Might as well pick whatever can make me feel less terrible and powerless for not sticking up for myself or defining better boundaries that wouldn't lead to me being treated poorly afterwards while I trusted him and believed he'd do better by me eventually.
And I deserve to have one nice memory god dammit. I mean, I'm not lying to myself about killing Jews in WW2 or making children work in a factory, so eff off critical voice inside my head. Besides, next time I meet someone I fancy, even if it does take another five years, I will be ready with healthy boundaries in place and great communication skills and knowing what I need to be happy. And maybe he'll buy an engagement ring to carry around with him a week after he meets me...
Like Michael said on The Office tonight: "I'm ready to get hurt again."
Also, started another blog, specifically about PAX and Trusting Men. Because I find a reason to appreciate men everyday, and I don't want to be warbling about it here all the time.