Frak it!

F*ck you all, with your creative thoughts and disposable income and your clothes that fit on non-water-retaining bellies...

I'm going as a voyeur. In my regular clothes that are warm and comfortable and have shoes with arch support.

I fart in your general direction.

Call it, Norma Rae

Holy fuacamole. Hold on to your hats, kids.

Booyah!

Nip/Tuck.

Nip/Tuck!


Nip/Tuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Yes.

Networking 101

Dude. It wasn't meant as an exclusive Hollywood shindig, but I've got the coolest friends in the world...So by no design of mine, I'm now hosting an amazing Halloween mixer. Already confirmed are a film producer, a punk rocker, a director, a casting director, a journalist/screenwriter, a new showrunner, and two Emmy winners. Yeah, I have to buy more wine and cheese!

So come start your Halloween at Cinespia with us watching The Shining at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary, then go on to your respective plans (but may I suggest Mini Kiss at Carnivale in Boys' Town).

go flip through Fade In Magazine

This issue has my second place action category win in it! Page 38!

More from the Commune

Directing Josie (our Jenny age 6)

Hero the star!

Leslie doing script sup work

Cindy Baer as Esmeralda

Jenny (Chauntal Lewis) receiving bad news

Post Secret Sunday

This one made me go hmmn...possible I've done the equivalent to someone recently...

But sometimes a woman needs ten minutes to decipher what the hell you mean, eh? If only men were as clear in their communications as "I love you." Can't have us in control of our emotions and spontaneously emotional at the same time, guys. Make up your minds!

Love scene

Had a lot of questions about how it went...it went great. Rewrote the scene for a man instead of a boy and cast my friend Trevor Murphy from Conventioneers, who is beyond rad. He was a total pro, oodles of fun, handled me great, and the scenes are so hot. Good deal.



Yes, I'm nude in the film. Once you see my whole backside getting out of a pool, and then when I seduce Trevor's character you see my double d's for five seconds for the foreign markets. Doing my part to sell the film, and show average-sized women are goddesses of love, too.




And now I must play the Hollywood selling game and drop 25 pounds. I'm going to try my 4 Hour Work Weekdude's two plans if you want to join me. Be done in time for Thanksgiving!

Wilhelm

Great article.

From The Commune

That's a Wrap!

Woke up late from the mega fun wrap party last night for the feature film THE COMMUNE, which I wrote/directed and Heidi Hornbacher produced to find more good news:

Heidi and I both won the top 20 out of 3000 entries for the Creative Screenwriting Expo contest for our next producing projects "Fixing Emma" and "Pistoleras"!!!!!
http://www.screenwritingexpo.com/2007Winners.html


We're still eligible for money and genre title wins, so SECRET the shit out of this:

FOUR GENRE CATEGORY PRIZES
$2,500 cash, a trip to Los Angeles to attend The 2007 Screenwriting Expo,
plus $1,000 in semifinalist prizes for the winners of the following genre categories:

• Action-Adventure • Thriller • Sci-Fi
• Comedy • Family • Animation
• New Visions
(Low Budget Indie) •Horror
• Fantasy

What we HAVE won:

All 20 semifinalists will receive John Truby's Blockbuster (the official story development software of Expo 6), Movie Magic Screenwriter 6 (its newest version), notes from The Script Whisperer, admittance to Expo 6, and a subscription to Creative Screenwriting magazine. Over $10,000 in prizes to semifinalists.
ACCESS TO 350+ PRODUCTION
COMPANIES, AGENTS & MANAGERS

Synopses for all 20 semifinalists will be submitted to more than 350 production companies, agents, and managers who have requested them.

Thanks for all your support and love! Team Hornbacher and Fies is EN FUEGO!!!!!

The Shoot

is going great. Halfway through the last week. Footage looks amazing. Marc Shap is a golden god, so are the actors, and everyone involved darnit!

Had fun today. Good day. We put Hero in it yesterday and today. everyone loved him; such a star.

So effing tired. Sleep is for the weak. Tomorrow is my love scene, and I look sooooo haggard. Good times.

Goodnight.

Volunteering

Brenda (Nurse Sis) is in charge of the first anual "Free to Breathe Lung Cancer 5K" event in LA on November 11th. It's at 8:30 am at Lake Balboa Park in Encino.

Chauntal Lewis, star of The Commune, will be there and so will we!

If you're intrested in volunteering, walking, donating, sponsoring, spreading the word, go to FreeToBreathe.org

"Lung Cancer is the #1 cancer killer of both men and women in the US. You can help change this."


Also along the lines of volunteering/getting involved, it's time for me to pick my next cause. Once the shoot is wrapped, I'm hoping to get a job in activism (perhaps at Hollywood Hill...) or join a non-profit Board again. If you have any thoughts, let me know.

New 'do

Here's the hair for my scenes next week. And the lovely lass with me is buddy Riawna Capri, hairstylist to the stars.

Got my eyebrows done after this, and will of course have makeup on for my 20-something onscreen luvah. Sadly, the eyeglasses met an untimely demise shortly after the creation of this picture, so I will mostly likely be having a naked-face party the world is invited to. Raw deal. I is my glasses.

Craptastic

Lost my right sidebar again, presumably for posting something too big in this section. Drat. What was it? One of the photos? The Myspace video of Leto Atraides perhaps? Dammit Blogger, don't you know it's against the laws of the universe to take down Mcavoy once he's been posted?

UPDATE: got it. Stupid Myspace video. Alright, I compromised and made Mcavoy a teensy bit smaller. Urgh.

More Commune

Embarassing

Oh lord. Just had to send a notice to everyone that I'm a casting a 20 year old luvah. You know...for a love scene with MY character.

*!*

UPDATE: Whoa. Getting some unexpected responses to the ad I sent out into the webiverse.

Really unexpected. I'll put it here under comments for you to read. I was just being my normal jackhole self, and somehow it became a very effective personal ad.

Huh. Cool.

Needing a little Atreides, a little Mcavoy

I'm sure he's not little. I'm sure he's...argh. Must stop now, find vibrator...
Fear is the Mind Killer

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Aargh

Broke my favorite pair of glasses today, and can't find a replacement pair online. So I'm off to a date in a much more expensive yet far inferior pair. Drat, I hate that. Feel off like I'm wearing a broken heel or something...

If I can ever find my USB cord, I'll upload the photo of the new haircut/color today for the shoot next week. Good timing, boy oh boy. It's shagelicious, and my favorite datee loves brunettes. Hopefully I can wrap the shoot and see him before the color fades.

Ohhhh such a glamorous life, guerilla filmmaker...

More from The Commune

Pix from the movie set

From The Commune, here's me directing and touching my chin a lot:

Quarterfinalists

Fixing Emma by Heidi Hornbacher and Pistoleras by me were both just awarded Quarterfinalist status in Creative Screenwriting Magazine's Expo 6 Competition. Sweet!

And even better, these two screenplays are next up on our producing docket! Whoo-hoo!

Hollywood Reporter, bitch!

"The Commune" was listed in the Hollywood Reporter here on Tuesday, and should be on IMDB in the next two weeks. Whoo-hoo!!!!

Heidi and I are on location now, working away...our DP, gaffer and script sup join us this afternoon.

Hot diggity dog.

The shoot

Everything's going great. Staying balanced and zen. Wish I had more sleep, and a man to rub my feet and say "It's alright Janet."

Other than that, game effing on!

We leave Wednesday for the location.

heeeeheeeeheeee.....Whee!

Progress

Exchanged numbers yesterday with two men. Not bad.

Check out our new lead actress. She was just in "Entertainment Weekly" and "The Insider", and this spoof on YouTube got 5 million hits the first week:



Chauntal Lewis is recording her debut album with RCA this week, then coming straight to lucky us on The Commune!

Stupid

Okay, I apparently make friends with EVERYONE in elevators. The rest of you don't do this? I didn't realize that. Just had a lovely. hysterical conversation with a gentleman going down, and another one with a lady going up. See, my elevator rides always end up being laughfests with strangers.

So I get asked out by hot single men in elevators because statistically, some of the human beings I ride with are going to hot single men. Question below answered; moving on.

Why do I...

keep getting asked out in elevators?

That's not some zen koan...at this point I'm truly, sincerely, wondering what's *ahem* up.

I've been *ahem* elevated to this whole new dating world, in which it's such a candystore out there I now don't even have to leave my apartment building to meet totally quality menfolk. Or apparently even shower. Though that's not really news to me; it's always been a befuddling irritant that I get asked out more in no makeup and sweat pants.

I suppose it's like my dating strategy of keeping a little extra weight on: it sorts out the riff raff.

You wouldn't even believe me if I described the last elevator encounter. Okay, I'll try. Vaguely, to protect the innocent and smoking hot.

I was sweaty from being in the basement storage area getting props for the film, and Mr. foreign-accent-my-age-writer-producer-at-glamorous-Hollywood-company is quizzing me about who I am, making sure I know he lives in my building, stooping over to pick up the photographs I dropped everywhere... Huh?

Wow. I wonder what would happen if I did a little experiment and ran around town one day riding in elevators. And I could try all sorts of different kinds of buildings to catalog the men, and see who comes up with the coolest date idea for us. How fun!

End of the world

If you could only take one more vacation ever, where would you want to be?

Michael and I were thriftshopping and eating sushi in Japantown yesterday, and we both instantly answered Paris. We just can't understand why anyone wouldn't love Paris. The best food in the world. Amazing art. The buildings are made out of gold for Chrissakes.

He says the best partying is in Berlin, but if there were a nuclear bomb or asteroid hitting the earth and I had a teleporter, I'd go out in Paris.

Heidi and I are manifesting some free, clever way to get to Glastonbury to renew after the shoot ends, or go stay at Master Cho's temple a little while to meditate and unwind in Asia...short of swallowing a drug-stuffed condom, we'll figure out a way.

Good news

Looks like two of my favorite directors and masters of horror are back in fine form again.
Stuart Gordon's Stuck
Dario Argento's Mother of Tears
Can't wait!

And the bad frakkin news? Oh my god BSGers, we are waiting a looong, Sopranoesque time to get to earth. Effin sci-fi network is on my last nerve.

Also, please rent the BBC series Shameless. Great semi-autobiographical series about the showrunner's low-class but loving upbringing. The acting and writing are flawless, and the subject matter is raunchy, warm, funny, real...an amazing mix of family life with uncensored sexuality in a humanist and sexy way that HBO and Showtime don't get because of their use of sex and swearing as shock value.

Good reminder, as is Dr. Who, that cheaper digital TV shows work just fine when you care about the subjects. And it gives auteurs the freedom to be real, uncensored, use male nudity, and elucidate the human experience...that little thing storytelling is all about, lest we forget.

Added bonus? You get to watch one of my favorite people on the planet fall in love with the woman he made his wife. They have an amazing relationship to emulate in reel and real life. Looking for a guy who looks at me like that, talks about me like that, thinks about me like that...

Movie magic

Okay, finished the starter version of the website about my feature film, blazing away in pre-production. Here's The Commune!

Les Poissons

Tres Fishies in less than 24 hours.

I lamented last night to my good friend Cindy that I hadn't had a Fishy or felt connected to mom in at least 6 months. (not counting the 2 Fishies that told me to have that hot-vacation-sacredsex last month, because, well, mom was kind of a tart in her day so I expect to still hear THAT message from time to time, since she disapproved that I'm such a goodie goodie...)

A couple minutes after telling Cindy I've not heard from Mom and feel disconnected, I asked her about the progress on our "Hollywood Reporter" listing. We go into production on the feature film "The Commune" in less than two weeks, and super-busy Cindy was taking care of that paperwork for Heidi and me. The last change had been to add Mom as the Executive Producer, since we're using my inheritance. Which still makes Heidi and me cry every time.

I said "Did you turn in the paperwork before I asked to make Mom the EP?" and Cindy started to answer, but was cut off by a weird EMF. So I asked again, and as she answered she was cut off AGAIN. And then I realized...We were both in our respective homes, not moving, and that was not a regular cell phone noise AT ALL. Nope. That was this.

Because I can say these things to Cindy, I did my infamous Don't Think I'm Crazy But... "I just got a Fishy from Mom."



And she said "Yes, you did. Because I'm sitting here eating Fishy crackers."


Those cheesy delectables Mom loved.



Awesome. And then we both got all teary and started laughing.


SECOND FISHY:

An hour later, I'm watching "What Not To Wear", which I always watched with Mom. And one of the clients on there (the one with the dog Peanut) says thank you to Clinton and Stacy for helping her to learn to dress as a woman, because her mom died when she was nineteen and wasn't able to teach her. Then she said something about still talking to her mom, and how proud her mom would be, and that she said thank you too. Which totally gave me another frisson.

THEN today I receive an email from Brian that his French publisher asked permission to use a picture from Brian's blog for their blog. He said yes, not knowing which one. Then they published an absolutely lovely modeling photo of Mom, and an even lovelier blurb about how getting to know her through Brian's blog made the book even better.

As Brian said, Mom's finally getting to be a fashion model in France -- half a century too late.

That woman is still full of miracles.


My rough translation of the French article:

August 31, 2007
"Brian's Mother"

In the very beautiful "Mom's Cancer", which we published in March, Brian Fies recounts the illness of his mother who died before it was published in the United States. Brian came across figure photos and put them on his website for her 68th birthday. Those of you who own and appreciate the book, read and look at the post.

(Take that, Madame Sikora!

I can honestly say, if that woman hadn't hated me and made my Sophomore year hell, I'd be fluent in French today. Damn High school teachers.)

Bad programmer!

You can see why I'm an EX- computer worker. Posted the wrong link to the They Live South Park satire on YouTube. THIS is the one my awesome brother showed us.

Not sure how to feel about there being two versions. Regardless, Carpenter, Matt, and Trey are all geniuses.

For you daters

Was taken to Campanile on Third and Fairfax. Thoroughly enjoyed the company, marathon of wit, delectable European-style dining (slow and teasing), and sitting two feet from the director of "LA Confidential" as I discussed pre-production on my directorial debut.

Reminded me of the great winery eats from my hometown, minus the genius auteur clientelle. Well, that's not true. NoCal has a few roaming genius auteurs, but they shuffle around in Birkenstocks and don't have the rest of the patronage stopping by their table to brown-nose for three hours. It must be a chore to be beloved.

Ewwwwww

Is there anything grosser than going to a guy's website and seeing all his friends are women? It's like a diagram of everyone you'd be kissing if you kissed him. Blech!

Do they really think we don't notice? Or think the attention makes them more attractive, maybe? Right, because the way to a woman's vagina is by making sure she knows she's in a deli line. Everybody loooves feeling unspecial...

They Live while you sleep

Just back now from location scouting and line producing for the shoot in northern California. Less than two weeks before my feature directorial debut!

Had a blast revisiting "They Live" with Brian and my nineteen-year-old nieces. Then Brian showed us the infamous South Park satire:

Brie & onion tart, Bean & onion saute

Bean & Onion Saute
from Family Circle magazine

Cook 2 pounds mixed green, yellow and purple beans, trimmed, in boilling water 4 minutes or until crisp-tender. Drain. Heat large skillet over medium-high heat; add 1/4 pound prosciutto, chopped; saute 3 minutes. Remove, set aside. Reduce heat to medium-low; heat 1 tablespoon olive oil. Add 2 medium-size onions, halved and thinly sliced. Cook 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until light golden. Add beans, prosciutto and 1/4 teaspoon black pepper to pan. Heat through. Makes 8 servings.

Brie & Onion Tart
from About.com

five medium onions, sliced in wedges
A puff pastry (buy them pre-rolled.)
Butter
a few slices of bacon cut in thin strips
Fresh thyme or rosemary
brie - a triangle 3-4 inches wide at the base with the rind still on.

Sauté onions in butter until they start to go soft. Add the bacon. Add a handful of fresh thyme or rosemary. Grind some pepper into the pan. When it's all soft and buttery, roll out your pastry. Use a blunt knife to trace an crust half an inch from the edge of the pastry. Slice the brie in long thin strips and spread half of them on the pastry in a radiating circle. Tip the onion and bacon mixture onto the pastry (you can drain them first if you like) and spread it over the pastry to the edge you traced. Spread the rest of the cheese on top of the onion mixture. Put in a hot oven (375 fahrenheit) for 20-30 minutes or until the pastry is brown, the onions have just started to brown and the cheese is bubbling. Let it cool for a few minutes before serving.

Nanking

Nanking the documentary.

Saw it at the Arclight as part of the IDA (International Documentary Association) festival this week. My friend Hugo is in it. Heidi and Sarah and I were blown away. Jenine saw it as well at a different screening. So far it looks like only smart activist female producers are viewing it. Surely there are more humanists out there?

Go support the film, and spread the word. It deserves the Academy Award nomination. And then get some therapy to get over the atrocious images of the bayoneted kids, raped women, beheaded men, the United States and the world let suffer only 70 years ago.

Effing eff eff

Cinespia is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. I look forward to it all blasted year.

This season has been particularly bad in the film choices. Huge disappointment. As yet, I've only been to "Holy Mountain." Which was a SPECTACULAR experience, in movie and in friends and in gourmet picnic.

But woh ho ho, what do we have hear? My eighth favorite film playing this Saturday? But of course!


And I will be out of town location scouting.

Merde.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been Mom's 68th birthday.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my best friend and mentor.

Brian has a lovely post and photos of her.

Meanwhile, I spent the day yesterday being tutored one on one by an amazing Polish cinematographer who almost shot Martin Scorcese's daughter's first feature and wants to shoot mine...pretty cool. It was already crazy day, because we just officially went into preproduction on The Commune on Monday, for a start date in September.

Why bring this up on Mom's Birthday?

It's why she busted her ass to get us back down here.

She told Brenda and me that she wanted to live in LA (translation: die in LA), which is the kind of trump card no child can say no to. So we all sold our houses and made a very scary journey down to LA while she was in a tentative remission. Bought her dream of a family compound minimansion and moved in together like the Brady Bunch.

The day we packed up the cars and drove down the I-5, they dropped me off half an hour late for my first screenwriting class in the Professional Program at UCLA.

On her deathbed, I found out Mom didn't want to live in LA. She didn't want to see me rot and die in Santa Rosa.

Thanks Mom. You're the Executive Producer of The Commune. And all my movies.

Sh*t Goddamn

You know, I just bought the big second season of Twin Peaks in June. No word of this super duper collection coming five months later.

I hate the DVD industry. This is just crap. Now I have to try to sell my other Twin Peaks DVDs, and buy this one?

I mean it's my favorite anything of all time, but COME ON! I have a busy life here people. I don't have time to get dicked around by this consumer game. I'll just rip the DVDs for free, aholes.

Empowered Filmmakers

Here are my rocking, talented friends at the prestigous DGA Visionfest Awards:

Cindy Baer, me, Marty Elcan, Leslie Lello.

We had such a blast. What an amazing night. Laura Dern and the Polish Brothers were so inspiring, and Marty Elcan's film "Crossing the Line" was great. Ran into a bunch of old friends and met some new ones afterwards at their awesome shindig in the lobby. We even got to dance!

NoCal Alert

Because you northbayers complain about my joyous spontaneity. Open your dayplanners. I'm coming for bidness: location scouting and auditions. Then some talking, laughing, and to exchange the piles of books and CDs you all loaned me for new ones.
I leave Thursday, but I only have free time Sunday night through Tuesdayish. Call/email.

Oui? À bientôt!

There is no spoon

The Beastie Boys were effing awesome tonight at the Greek! If you're in LA, get your butt to the Wiltern Tuesday night and buy a scalped ticket. So worth it, even without them playing all their hits. I do love going to concerts alone. You meet the coolest people to dance with. For a very sweaty hour and a half.

I'm down two pant sizes now in 20 days, firmed up my breasts but not lost a smidge of cupsize. Impossible? There is no spoon.

LA buddies: I'm planning another pirate CD exchange party and an 80s dance night for Labor Day week-ish. Email me. And does anyone west coast swing? I've got a hankering. I've got a date elsewhere, but David Lynch is available again this week to you...Barnes and Noble at the Grove Tuesday night; wristbands at 5:30 pm. My fascination with Lynch is well-documented here. You really must meet him.

So here's the single most important book you could ever read in your entire life:
The 4 Hour Work week.

The 4 Hour Work-week is the exact lifestyle I'm designing right now. Less work, less things, more happiness. World travel unlike anything Americans experience, though personally I'd be thrilled with hot ballooning in Croatia, theatre in Prague, looooong gourmet meals and laughing with friends while they play the guitar under a Buenos Aires sunset.

Utter freedom and no itinerary forever. Adventure. Experience.

I double dog dare you. If you have kids, I triple dog dare you. "Your horizons must be widened."

(Is it wrong that I've seen "Becoming Jane" enough that I can mimic James McAvoy? I've finally realized I don't want him, I want to be him. Oh my gods, what a fantastic insight...somebody good give me a blurb that says "Elisabeth Fies is the female James McAvoy" so that I can CONFOUND industry folk...Loooove!)

By the way, has anyone had any insight yet as to which orifice I stuffed my Rome Season 2 DVDs into? Because they're due back at Blockbuster, and I've looked everywhere thrice. Including my ass and the freezer.

Pistoleras news!!

WAIT until you see the blurb we got from A-list action director Paul W. S. Anderson about the Pistoleras script.

Oh. My. God.

Why I'll always love Roger

Yes, it's because of his ability to distinguish whether a film is good within its genre rather than based on its genre, and because of his feminist viewpoint...but also because of this:

This funeral has Peter Dinklage (as Peter), who is becoming my favorite go-to actor for any movie that needs someone to go to. Like Rosie Perez, Danny De Vito, Queen Latifah or Christopher Walken, he has that ability to make you brighten up and take notice, because with such a person on the screen something interesting is bound to happen. Dinklage can look handsome in that menacing way that suggests he's about to dine out on your fondest hopes and dreams. - excerpt from Death at a Funeral review

I always learn something about humanity when I read his reviews. Sadly, often more than I would from viewing the films themselves.

Stick around the planet, Mr. Ebert. With mom gone, you're the one I want to show the films I make.