Friday, November 30, 2007

30 Rock

You should all be watching it. Seriously funny stuff.

And lucky you, here's this week's full-length episode for free! Enjoy the glorious genius that is Cougars.

Jump the Shark transcribed some of the best lines, though really by that standard you should just watch the whole show. Here's a few, and more in my Comments section.

Jenna: (seeing the young, hot Jamie) Ooh, who ordered the veal?

Liz: Give it up Jenna; you're talking to an ultrasound. Jamie: Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over there. Liz: Sexy? You're sexy. Shut up!

Jenna to Liz: We're cougars: Hot older ladies that pounce on their younger prey. There was a whole article on it in Vanity Fair— the one with the crisis in Africa on the cover. God, it makes me so sad that more people don't know about cougars.

Liz: Wow, we just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Laturno and Billy Palau. Jamie: Are those friends of yours? Liz: (as Jack shows up) Oh when will death come.

Beauty secrets

Here's what I'm glowing from, so the ladies know what to ask for and the blokes know what to buy. Seriously, I feeeeeeel soooooo gooooooooooooooooood...

Seacret
The Manicure set is spectacular. But even more startling? I've used the facial mud bar, eye cream, and face serum for a week...and my hand to Thor, my skin wasn't this amazing when I was twenty. And I'm allergic to everything, so consider it safe for sensitive skin. Don't buy it at the mall; you'll get ripped off. Order online.

Perfume by Thierry Mugler

Holy moly. Sorry kids, you haven't lived until you've made love with this perfume on you or the woman you're in. Nothing on earth smells like it. This is the reknowned French parfumer chosen to do the movie tie-in for Tykwar's brilliant Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, which if you've seen it...you'll be in the car right now on your way to the finest department store to buy Mugler. Ecstasy in a bottle. Unfortunately, the movie tie-in is 550 Euros and available only at Herrod's. Mugler's the number one parfumer of French women, and of Kid Sis.


I'm wearing:
Alien

Angel Violet




Eau de Star


Also wearing his beautiful shiny lip gloss. Tasting it right now. Yum. I feel expensive and...cherished.

Hitachi Magic Wand
It will change your lives and bring about world peace. My dream is to start a non-profit to buy one for every woman in the world! The attachments can be boiled/sterilized, and are made out of medical grade material so they won't cause allergic reactions or cancer (!) like the Rabbit.

Just buy it already. I named mine Jay, and I blush just thinking about him. In fact, I've woken up smiling several times with my arm wrapped around him next to my cheek. No joke.



Betsey Johnson's Lanica heels
Hot and comfortable. Love the happy guy in the Overstock comment section bragging about his woman showing her appreciation for the gift...so cute!



Linea Paolo's Adella sandal

The arch this heel gives my foot is in-sane. Soooo chic. Feels like a million bucks.

Yeah. Mmmmmnnnnnnnnn. I have to personally recommend wearing them and nothing else but Mugler perfume. Wow... Goddess, if only men in this town had higher sex drives (see Magic Wand above...what do they put in the LA water that makes men's appetites shrivel?). I could do that once or twice a day. Seeeeeeriously.

Yeah, for that special glow EVERYONE asks about, I also recommend getting a scrumptious Luvaaaah a decade younger...but they're on back-order. I took the last one.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Manometer

How do I know if a guy is worthy of my womanly thoughts?


a) If he reads my blog
b) If he reads Pistoleras in less than a week of receiving it

Easiest gauge in the world. If a guy isn't interested in my online diary or my freaking award-winning calling card, he ain't interested in

a) Talking with me
b) Working with me

Which happen to be my two favorite things in the world. Next to his favorite thing, which I ain't interested in without forging a connection through the first two first.

He gets a walk to first base if he reads Pistoleras on a plane while saving the world a la Pitt/Jolie. Oh, and a foul ball if he reads it and calls it "kooky" or "exploitation". Really.

So there. Couldn't be simpler to choose who to spend my limited time with.

Prowling Sunset


Went to the Kit Cat Club to hear Penelope play her lovely songs (Go to her Myspace page and listen to "Winter's Day"). Ubiquitous Penelope of the Mastercard commercial "Favorite Things", which I'd memorized even before I met her because A) Its theme is startlingly feminist B)She has a lovely presence C)I'd go gay for her. Under the right circumstances. Hey, it has to happen one of these days.

Danny B. Harvey (composer for Pistoleras and The Commune) was brilliant as always, backing her up on roomie James Trussart's famous crazy-ass custom steel guitar. I don't think I ever posted the photos of James's oubliette-esque guitar-making garage or of us all lounging around the living room during a jam, but I think the pix are on my last Myspace album page if you're interested. Heidi's doing a mean air guitar, and Vlad's there, too.

Lovely Lynda Kay of another Danny band Lonesome Spurs was there with the Coffin Purse she designed, talking all about her hubby's new tri-whatever motorcycle with three wheels that's being customized by the old dude who built the Batmobile.

Felt right at home walking into the club, as there were four large photos of Catwoman as played be the real actresses, and well, not by Halle Berry. Club Owner/Stray CatSlim Jim was very cool to me and amused by my Catwoman graduate thesis. He's going to play the drums on Danny's Pistoleras theme for us. Slim Jim wants to host the wrap party, so that's just perfect! Slim Jim's the second member of Danny's band Head Cat, with Lemmy of Motor Head completing the trio.

Afterwards we all hung at Swingers diner where I was pretty much the only person not to order the Jamaican Jerk Chicken other than Brenda. Oh well, next time. And there I got to dish with another Penelope, but one who has known Danny for twenty years. This one does continuity for Family Guy and American Dad, and is going to take me to a table read! Seth McFarlane better look out. My feelings may have waned a little in light of his alleged drinking and tomcat ways, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And me still want to lick the pretty funny man's face. Hot piece of smart-ass.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Bad Mother Fucker



Yet another reader has joined Kid Sis Land by googling "How to buy Bad Mother Fucker wallet".

People. It's not that hard. Go to badmotherfuckerwallet.com

The end.

I've been a proud owner for years, and really should get a commission.

It's quite the conversation starter for a woman who doesn't need icebreakers. Especially with unsuspecting nuns and kids waiting in line next to me.

Fav recent story:


FADE IN:

After hours after Michael Hayes's movie premier. Empty Beverly Hills street.

LIS FIES, slighly toasted, belly full of garlic naan and goat meat. Kidding around with impossibly handsome smart wealthy witty RYAN, BRIAN, and ENTOURAGE.

BEHIND THEM

In the closed Indian Restauarant, a panicked INDIAN WAITRESS raps from the behind the window. Gestures frantically to the men, holding a cell phone and Bad Mother Fucker wallet carelessly left behind in the restaurant. The men look around at each other. Lis Fies steps forward like Spartacus didn't.

LIS FIES
Oops! Um, they're mine.

Slinks in her sweet 1950s dress and cardigan to claim the tawdry items.

The waitress unlocks the restuarant door and hands them to Lis with a perfect mix of condemnation and confusion as the industry men chortle in that "I'm in love with her" fashion.

LIS FIES
What? You think Dorothy Parker didn't own one of these babies?

END.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fantastic week

What a great holiday. Spent a Lynchian Thanksgiving with Nurse Sis at our fav restaurant Lawrys, where the prime rib is to die for. Got there at 1 pm and left at 6 pm, hitting some kind of wormhole/tear in the space/time continuum. Still managed to eat an amazing amount of food considering how drunk we were by the time morsels were served and that we were able to chow shamelessly seated just one table away from diet guru Richard Simmons...This is how much food was leftover!

Went with Michael to Little Tokyo to try to get into the Moca's Muarakami (Japanese cartoonist), but didn't like the line. So we saw the Japanese Internment, Landscaping, and Giant Robot shows at the Japanese American National Museum (yea Cate Park! Go GR!)
Had waaaay too much sushi at Frying Fish, then headed to Chung King Road in Chinatown for dirty gay manga shopping, small museums, video and installation art.

Got our pictures taken in a Hello Kitty booth and in general behaved like teenage Japanese girls. Fuuuuun!

Had a good blind date with a producer/writer/actor. Caught up with Lauren at the Grove. Worked on the 'Mune. Watched "Battlestar Galactica RAZOR" (Looooving!!!!). Watched "A Lot Like Love" which was surprisingly interesting. Must remember to stop underestimating Ashton Kutcher, and Amanda Peet is always stupendous. Caught up on all the TV shows I'd be spec-ing if there weren't a strike on.

Today Colleen thoughfully took me to a DGA screening of "The Golden Compass", which was enthralling in the moment (I loves me my Christopher Lee and Ian McKellen), but quickly forgotten afterwards. We had a witty tete a tete lunch with impressive producers/actors Sam and Assef (whose name I'm surely not spelling correctly...and quit calling him Shirley!). This pic from inside the theatre in no way does anyone justice, as they are all beautiful, intriguing, driven to change-the-world artists inside and out.


I'd met Assef last year through ex-roomie Tara (whom we also ran into). Sam Feuer smells great, is whip-smart, listens, split two different Baja Fresh burritos with me so we could taste-test flavors, AND told me when I had something in my teeth. Which means he had the Lis Fies thumbs up waaaay before he had to go talking about the amazing political films he's producing and flying around the world doing cool/smart stuff for. You know, like meeting with the presidents of countries...this Thursday. Had Colleen and me at "political movie about a cancer cure squashed in the 50s by pharmaceutical companies" Oh yeah, with Michael Radford attached.

Also doing awesome: Colleen's "Criminal Minds" episode from two weeks ago is still available online, so go check it out and see her in "There Will Be Blood" this December. Oh, and she gave me "The Fountain" graphic novel back, so remind me if you were the one who wanted to borrow it next.

Up next: quick nap and then more sushi with more friends. Wow, what a lovely, memorable Thanksgiving.

A tip for the dating sistahs

Remember your Evolutionary Psychology when you're interacting with your menfolk. Men and women's brains are not wired the same, for very specific, wonderful reasons. Women connect and emote, men break through to freedom and purpose...alone.

What does this mean in your life? Well, the more intense a connection you make to a man, the harder he's going to boomerang back to focusing singularly on his life purpose, and may even be irritated by the time he's wasted bonding with you.

Women can connect all day and feel wonderful because it's their biological destiny. We were wired that way to keep tribes together, and give our warriors a soft space to land when they came home from protecting and providing. Men need and value what emotion and solace women provide, but if they are men and not boys, they can't have it all the time. Even most of the time. The more of a man you're with, the more intimate he'll be able to be sometimes, and the harder he's going to shove you out of bed the next morning.

So if you have an awesome night with a guy, don't wake up thinking everything's going to be changed and the best it's ever been between you two and that you're going to lay in bed together all day.

Unless you're going for round 2 or 3 or 4, which then...lucky girl! Smile! And THEN expect everything to turn into him being gruff, singularly focused on his life mission, and resentful you're not gone already.

The challenge as a woman with a sleep deficit is to step out of emotion and look at the situation logically as what it is: awesome. You did your job spectacularly. In fact, the more of an ahole he is, the better a job you did. You guided him to connection, to himself and to you and to scary male emotions. Now get the hell out of the way and let him be emotionless so he can go bag a lion. He'll be able to be strong physically and mentally for you now and do HIS awesome job, because you were strong and mature enough for him to trust you with his emotions last night.

In fact, the more he gripes about the lack of sleep and dirty sheets and getting back to his job, the more of a bid he's making for your appreciation and respect for his manliness...he has an important job to do!! Love it about him. Give him a few strokes for being a strong man, fart in his bed (okay, that was an accident), then get out of his way and go live your life with a smile on your face, because you're dating men instead of boys. Lucky girl!

It's a challenge...you have to be a cool woman. A woman who's in control of her emotions and is emotionally intelligent. And you'll eff up and take it personally sometimes, and misinterpret, and snap back because you haven't had your coffee yet. It's okay to be a fallible human female. But you'll be a lot happier and bring more meaning to the world if you can figure out your truest purpose and gift as a woman, and practice it every day. That's unconditional love for yourself, which you have to have first if you're going to bring any light and joy and happiness and beautiful magical womanliness to the world.

Our natures are biological. Don't be the feminist who fights our true selves by trying to be a man, or trying to make a man into a woman. We need each other's differences, and to get each other's differences and make safe spaces for them to thrive. That's being actualized. That's building a world where men and women empower each other to be their best selves. (which by the way, women can have life purposes too...and demonstrating the above through films is mine.)




You Have Your PhD in Men



You understand men almost better than anyone.

You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.


Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Commune...

is sooooooo good. Editing is coming along great. Wow.

The game is afoot

Received my first Christmas card today.

Oh, it's on.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The Life of Riley

Man, so proud of Big Bro. He's back from his east coast trip seeing Mom's Cancer adorn the Norman Rockwell Museum walls (til Februaryish), and met an AMAZING slew of brilliant cartoonists. So worth reading his post to be jealous

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Show thanks today

"There is more hunger for
love and appreciation in
this world than for bread."

-Mother Teresa

Paul Reubens's Journey to Banana Land

Which in Kid Sis speak means "Happy Thanksgiving."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday thoughts

Oh! Just got Heidi's vote for The Dress: Fab.

Interesting.

So the votes are:

Girl: Fab
Guy: Hot

Me: Whore



Hmmmmnnn....Minor discrepancy there. Looks like it's back to therapy for me.



God, got this email with George Carlin's jokes in it:

New Rule #8 : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Fine, whatever. I resemble that joke, minus the worried about pregnancy and above my ass. Why do you think I've been trying to figure out what to cover it up with for fifteen years? Which, by the way, fifteen years ago I was CUTTING EDGE.

Christ, fifteen years is almost older than one of the guys I'm dating...My tattoo is more mature than...yup, looks, like it's back to therapy for me.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Make your lungs healthy



Got your attention? Good. Now put down the cancer sticks.

It takes just minutes for your body to start healing after you quit smoking. Learn what you can look forward to when you kick the habit TODAY.

Great American Smokeout. November 15th, 2007.

Click for more quitting tools.

If Mom did it after 50 years, so can you. Pussy. I double dog dare you. Be a quitter.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Inside Elisabeth Fies

How can a woman spend 25 minutes in a Nordstrom dressing room staring at one dress?

Simple:

Hmmmn. I really can't tell if I like it.

Is this what it looked like online? I can't remember...

Maybe if I take my bra off...Oh Jesus Christ no. What the hell?!

This is couture, right? Diane Von Fursterwhatever...Berger.

$350.

Holy hell. I look like I'm presenting at the AVN's...

I don't understand. I must be wrong.

Maybe it looks okay. Maybe it's just the mirror.

I know! Take a picture!



No. That looks terrible.

Try a different angle. Act confident. Posture!

Oh good god.




I can't wear this on my date! He'd be horrified. I can't imagine watching his face as he sat across from me at a fancy dinner...Well. Maybe that French restaurant. Ha ha.

What does it look like sitting down?

Oh, not as bad as I thought. Nothing flopped out.

Good lord, am I sagging like a National Geographic tribeswoman? What is wrong with this goddamn dress? I have awesome breasts!

What did that doctor 90210 say about the woman with the perfect breasts? Measure 23 cm from here...do I have that? Of course, then he gave her implants anyway. Hollywood phony freak.

What if I pinned it...no, there's not enough material. Freaking Diane Whatserbutt and her A cup models.

I miss my perky A cups sometimes. Nah, life is much better curvier...Ha ha, wonder what would happen if I made this photo my Myspace profile? Oh, that's so common Lis. Eff off. You're better than that. Don't be like all the other LA trash.

My head hurts. Why did that bitch squirt perfume on me? Nasty.

What does this dress SAY about me? Besides paw at my boobs? God I don't want him to paw at my boobs. Yuck.

I must be wrong. Even the saleslady said this was her favorite dress, totally classy.

How do I look like a whore in it? I never look like a whore. Even when they dressed me like a whore on that tv show, they were all, "Ah, she's cute as a button..."

I'm so confused. I've got to get out of here. Is it the mirror?

Wait, did I tie the bow the wrong way?



Maybe if went up one more size, the top would close...

I don't want to buy one of those sticky bras. They hurt to peel off. And what if I decide to have sex with him? He has to peel it off? Ew. There's no way I'm wearing this dress and not having sex. But not the right kind of sex. I don't like this one bit.

Am I being a pussy? Maybe it's sensational, and I just don't know fashion. Take a chance!

Buy it. It's the only one left. Buy it before someone else does! You can always take it back...

No, don't buy it! You'll never wear it! Not for Him, or hIm, or that other hiM...

Christ, if you wore it out to the Grove parking lot, you'd be raped before you got to the car. And not only that, there's not a liberal judge in the land who wouldn't say you were asking for it.

I'm so confused.

I wonder what the security guard watching thinks. Do they erase the dressing room tapes? This'll probably end up on Youtube. Don't cry. Don't cry. Defintely don't pick your nose.

Just take it off.

Go home, look it up online again.

It's obviously not meant for you.

*Sigh.*

What a freaking disappointment.

Step out of the pretty thing, Lis. Back away.

Later, At home:

Oh. Yeah, it didn't look like that at all on me. Huh.


Screw it, I'll just wear the dress he liked last time and curl my hair. And...I'm ordering the lobster. For pain and suffering.

When I was a kid...

we had REAL movies and trailers...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Gift of beauty, just to make them happy

"The human soul needs actual beauty more than bread."
- David Herbert Lawrence


I've been making a concerted effort lately to give men the gift of my woman king power...not just to the men I'm dating, but taking a few extra minutes in the morning to put on makeup and perfume, and wear dresses and heels.

Embracing being soft and cuddly.

It's been profound.

Cool, healing results for me. I mean, I hoped it would please some men I love, which is great...but I didn't expect to find a way of being admired by strangers that wouldn't equate to being devoured. Too often as a teen and in my twenties, when I had way too hot of a bod for my own good, I was aggressively hit on by innappropriate men in a threatening way. And had no tools or boundary examples to utilize to defend myself...

Which is why I wrote Pistoleras.

But now that I have self defense tools, and a quick tongue and wit, and am an empowered self-actualized woman...I've often avoided standing out in a crowd anyway.
It seemed materialistic, and too akin to the horribly narcissistic actors LA is populated with...The antithesis of what I stand for, including empowering men and women to relate to each other for a better world. So often a woman's beauty is used for manipulation, as a pawn by either sex. Couldn't I just be seen for my inner beauty, and just by one man of my choosing? God forbid I overdue it and be seen as "asking for it".

Ah, cognitive dissonance.

So lately I've tried to set all that garbage aside and just dress pretty as I go about my day or to my dates.

And last weekend, I was at a juice shack waaaaay too early and dressed in a pretty 1950s dress and cardigan and heels and my trademark sloppy bun...truth be told I needed a shower and to brush my teeth and had no makeup on...

And my worst fear came to pass...

I realized I was being stared at by an older man.


My heart jumped in that flight or fight adrenalized rush felt by every gazelle trapped on a tundra with a lion...

Then the most unexpected thing happened.

I looked in his eyes.

And they weren't gleaming and bugging out Ahoooooga like a cartoon wolf.

Instead he shook his head like he was trying to come out of a daze, and let out this incredible soul-felt sigh.

I'm incredibly shy and embarrassed by male attention (yes, I'm a blusher), so I turned my back to him and sat at a table to wait for my fruit shake.

I heard the waitress (who had already admired my "Bad Motherfucker" wallet") try to take his order. He said he couldn't think straight, and walked over to me instead.

Again, my spidey sense tingled and I prepared to bolt to the safety of my car, shake be damned.

But he approached and said, "I just have to tell you. I've come from a music studio full of dirty smelly men, and seeing you is overwhelming...you are BEAUTIFUL."

...!

That was it. A little more respectful chit chat filled with awe and thanks, and a heartfelt offer that if I ever needed to hear more compliments, he would drop what he was doing and devote himself to the task, as many as I wanted to hear.

He left with his drink first, and as I walked to my Star Wars SUV, I saw him standing in the street waiting to get one more glimpse of me. I left him space to stare without acknowleding it, and out of the corner of my eye saw him shake his head in wonder again.



The gift of beauty, just to make them happy. No strings attached, no agenda. Making a little difference in the world by putting a small smile on their faces. Just be a soft, accepting woman. Be yourself, and give them something to love, adore, cherish, aspire to. Inspire them to become actualized men.



"The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action."
- David Herbert Lawrence

"Having achieved and accomplished love... man... has become himself, his tale is told."
- David Herbert Lawrence

"How beautiful maleness is, if it finds its right expression."
- David Herbert Lawrence

"I am in love - and, my God, it is the greatest thing that can happen to a man. I tell you, find a woman you can fall in love with. Do it. Let yourself fall in love. If you have not done so already, you are wasting your life."
- David Herbert Lawrence

"My whole working philosophy is that the only stable happiness for mankind is that it shall live married in blessed union to woman-kind - intimacy, physical and psychical between a man and his wife. I wish to add that my state of bliss is by no means perfect."
- David Herbert Lawrence

Lung cancer is the #1 cancer killer



Thanks to all of my friends who came out Sunday to support the Free to Breathe Lung Cancer awareness race. It was amazing! My Sister Brenda did a great job of organizing. It's always hard to start a new fundraiser, and this one was extremely successful. Even made it onto the news! Next year will be even bigger!

It was a very emotional day. Seeing all the caretakers and survivors, hearing the stories, wondering why mom wasn't a survivor there in a green shirt...

And it was very nice to meet those of you who recognized me as Kid Sis. I feel like I know you, too.

The website is accepting donations until November 15th, so forego a Starbucks or two and support medical research for the tragically taboo, #1 cancer killer of men and women...1 in 12 will get it in their lifetimes. :(

http://www.active.com/donate/freetobreathela








Thanks to Team Commune for representing! It meant the world to me.

And a special shout-out to my brave friends who have been caretakers...I'm blessed to have you in my life, as are your loved ones. Valencia, Dave, Dave, Melinda, Melissa, Charlie, Amanda, Joe, Andrew, so many more...

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cinesexplosion

Oh. My. God.

Kathryn effin' Bigelow. Directed. Ralph Fiennes. And. Guy. Pearce.

Why am I not watching this film right now? Right now, right now!!!

GENIUS.

Rebel alliance

"I can't bear art that you can walk round and admire. A book should be either a bandit or a rebel or a man in the crowd."
- D H Lawrence

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Hypothetical Atonement

A friend got me into an Academy screening of Atonement on the Universal lot. Very sweet of him, as the invitation was specific to my public obsession for the James McAvoy.

I do always like the DGA screening crowds best because the audience is filled with such bitter, knowledgable blow-hards. Highly entertaining eavesdropping.

Enjoyed the movie too much. It was absolute torture to see the Mac in another ragingly passionate tete a tete, and to have the inciting incident be his love note:

“In my dreams I kiss your c*nt, your sweet wet c*nt. In my thoughts I make love to you all day long.”


...!

Bloody hell. Well that didn't help matters at all, now did it. For gods' sake, don't the filmmakers know I'm already in my sexual prime, and already head over heels for the Mac? That was completely unnecessary. Cruel, really.

What?

What did I think of the movie itself? Well, let me put my Magic Wand down...

The acting and score were impecable. I want that music. The World War I beach footage was one of the craziest cinematic achievements I've ever seen.

Of course it won't get Oscars because the actors showed the appropriate amount of restraint (We prefer to lob statues at over-the-hill scenery chewers). And the subject matter itself is understated yet devastatingly astute about human character, foibles, cruelty, memory...way too complicated for a town that celebrated "Crash".

Where does the movie go wrong? The same freaking overused device I've been deriding for years now...story out of order as a gimmick.

People. I don't care what worked in the novel. It is hard enough to tell an engaging story that impinges. Stop effing everything up with your cloying film school crutches. All it does is distance your audience and make us remember we're in a movie. And frankly, it's taxing on the brain. I want to get lost in the characters, not write a term paper when the lights go down. Knock it off. Tell the story from start to finish. UNLESS you're using a bookend...that's usually not an irritant and engages us to ask "What happens next?" instead of "What the deuce is going on, and why don't I give a fig anymore?" Story, story, story! That's all it is! All it is. All we want. Tell us a story we haven't seen before. Tell it WELL. And shove your fanciful lighting and editing up your arse.

Urgh. I'm sorry. It's just, it's really really played out. Stop. You too, Nolan.

Oh, if you see Atonement (you should), don't miss Anthony Minghella's cameo role. Rather clever, really. And no, English Patient doesn't count because it didn't jump around until I thought I was going to seize...There was a present and a past that intersected in theme and characters, and once both stories started they moved forward in an orderly fashion. Brilliantly.


Okay, so the HYPOTHETICAL...

Apparently my James McAvoy obsession is not unnoticed by heroic gentleman readers. To the point that they are taking actions to relieve me of my affliction.

You can always tell a mature man by the solutions he procures to relieve a lady of conflict and distress. First there was the Atonement screening invitation. Perfectly innocent.

Hypothetically, less innocent would be if I had received a reminder from someone from a long time ago that he is in fact more McAvoy than McAvoy, and amenable to wearing a "Last King of Scotland" t-shirt.

Rather kind and self-sacrificing, really. A stand-up bloke. Not a git at all.

I think for the sake of the blogosphere, nay, verily, for the sake of the free world, if nothing more then to never be predictable and boring to my readers again...

It is my hypothetical duty to accept friendly help laying my Mac fever to bed.

Putting Mac behind me. Good to know a friend has my back. In Imaginationland.

We shall speak no more of the matter, or the man, or the Mac.


My heartfelt, loinfelt, Black Snake Moanin' apologies to you all.

.
.
.


I wonder if Hypothetical read enough here about The Commune to know I possess a pair of Puck's horns that could easily double for Mr. Tumnus. If one were to be squinting. Can't imagine why one would be. Silly, really.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Now That She's Gone


My friend, sister feminist and "Pistoleras" mentor Ellen Snortland is putting on her one woman play this Saturday November 10th in Beverly Hills. If you're in town, you must go! Details are in this post's Comments section.

“Ellen says I’m the “grandmother” of this play, but I’m not crazy enough to think that it was my planting of a seed when in fact it is her enormous talent… She has a gift for being serious and funny, making you laugh and understand at the same time."
- Gloria Steinem

Advance footage of The Commune!

Here it is!

You can see how much we spent on production value.





UPDATE:
Not that I think any of my gentle readers would be so obtuse as to throw themselves out windows thinking martians are coming because Orson Welles says so, but...the martians ain't coming.



Crap, really? I have to ruin the whole joke? It's such a good joke.




That ain't The Commune.

That is all.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

No deal

Ohhhhhhhhh dammit.

I've been on this kick lately of not liking my glasses. My favorite pair broke and I can't replace them, and I'm just feeling...sexier without them.

No No NO!!!

Not okay. I need to wear them for feminist reasons, and I need to wear them to attract men who aren't scared of all of me, and I need to wear them because I'm allergic to contacts and I can't see without them...and...I...need...

Laser surgery!!!!

No no no Elisabeth, no no no!

Awwwwwwwww fuuuuuuuu...dge.

Seriously. I know someone who WENT BLIND from laser surgery, and if that happened to me I actually would kill myself. Honestly. There's hardly a more visual woman in the world. All my pleasure and meaning is derived from seeing.

I can't do this. I can't do this for vanity. I can't risk it no matter how much I want to be my best me.

Arrrgh.

One pole for sale

Argh. Eff it. I'm tired of the pressure of selecting a fun boyfriend to pole dance for.

It was fun for a while to dance for myself and make up all these beautiful lyrical routines imagining his happy face looking into mine. But I'm bored and no one worthy's grabbed me and made me his woman and wanted to actually have me dance for him.

How sad is that? You know, the majority of S Factor girls, even the teachers, have never danced for a man. We've only danced for each other. And I really wanted the first time to be amazing and special and...geez, I'm such a girl. Such a hopeless romantic.

The problem is, LA guys are a whole other breed of short attention span. Romance and seduction and fun and whimsy and infatuation and just doing something special to light up the other person's imagination and say you care about them enjoying their life and thank them for spending their valuable time with you...are dead.

Such a disappointment when people don't want to receive what you have to give. It's a core rejection, isn't it? Must be to feel so lousy.

I have to stop trying to give the other person a good time and just become one of those selfish takers guys drool all over. Just be a total, critical, unsatisfied bitch.

Seriously

How good is sushi? Has anything better ever been invented?

No sir, ociffer sir.

Monday, November 05, 2007

En fuego

Here's my friend Colleen Foy's first producing project.

Yup Bri, that Colleen...I know you love Colleen. Hopefully she'll be Casey in Pistoleras, we'll see.

For now, y'all can check her out in this century's Citizen Kane: There Will Be Blood with Daniel Day Lewis.

Hello, integrity

Seriously. How can you not help but fall head over heels in love with this man? He's soooo lucky I believe in the sanctimony of marriage, and need a happy couple to look up to, or I'd be a proper stalker, methinks.

James McAvoy - who has just been nominated for a BAFTA Scotland Award for Best Actor- is in touch with the British Red Cross to construct "his house" in northern Uganda as "a reward for the fame that The Last King of Scotland brought him."

A source at the Red Cross offices in Kampala told a local paper that McAvoy, who had an emotional trip with British Red Cross to northern Uganda early this year, feels he owes a lot to Uganda, a country he says made his career.

Oh, and here's from The Independent in 2005. The crazy thing is, he's so in integrity that this is soooo easy to read all over him, I already said this about him and his wife Anne:

What painting or work of art most corresponds with your vision of yourself?
My favourite painting is of a couple under a patchwork quilt and the woman is snuggling up to the man. It's painted from up high, where the mirror would be if you had one on your ceiling. There's something about the companionship of those two - they're just melting into each other.


So one of these days when I'm feeling vulnerable, I'm going to tell you all a little story about me and dating and my heart getting ripped out by someone who looks exactly like Mr. Tumnus in July...it's also in my movie The Commune, and the actors were very sensitive to me and how they portrayed it knowing it was verbatim and was my soul onscreen...but look, you guys would appreciate the whole enchilada story, misleading fishies from mom and all.

All I can really say now is, well, I learned that I can still love. Which is huge. I learned what great sex is. Which is huge. I learned what it's like to have a man never stop kissing you or holding your hand or staring in your eyes all night. Which makes me want to sob just thinking about him.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

What Star Wars horoscope are you?




Star Wars Horoscope for Cancer



You may whine at times, but you've developed a thick hard shell (like that of a crab).

You are strong willed and persistent - until you get what you want.

You never shy away from a fight, even when things get dangerous.

Mentally sharp, you are starting to master the elements of mind manipulation.



Star wars character you are most like: Luke Skywalker

Jealousy Part Deux

Ohhhhh just finished "The Lookout", written and directed by the writer of two of my other favs: the sublime "Out of Sight" and the ridiculous "Dead Again."

*Sigh.*

Spot on film. So well-constructed. Tight tight tight. Surprising. Head injury done brilliantly.

Dammit. I mean, great! Good for them! There's room for all of us!

God I want to direct Joseph Gordon-Levitt in something. "Latter Days", "Mysterious Skin", "Brick", now this film? And he studied head injuries for 11 months? Heaven!

"Anytime you read a script that's well-written, it's shocking and glorious because there are few good scripts written. Then I start to notice that not only is it good writing, but the character it's coming out of is a complicated person, which is even more rare in American movies." He was so articulate and amazing in the behind the scenes extra. Really inspiring and compassionate.

What a lovely, talented man. I want to write something good for him.

I wonder if he's single. I wonder if he's straight.

Sorry. I'm really itching to make a movie with someone I'm mutually in love with. Something no-budget but an absolutely artistic heat-seeking nuke, like "Cavite". Love "Cavite."

Hrumph. Probably shouldn't try to love another actor. They're nutty. By Odin's Beard, the last director wasn't much better.

Maybe a producer, or a cameraman. Sound guy?

Can't get the idea out of my mind. My two favorite creatings combined. I want to be in love. I want to make another movie. Heaven, heaven, heaven. When can we start?

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Norman Rockwell Museum

It's not every day I receive a fancy vellum envelope in the mail. But today I was lucky enough to open a lovely invitation to the NRM's "World of Graphic Novels" exhibit, featuring Mom's Cancer.

It runs November 10-May 26, 2008. I doubt I'll make it to the east coast in the next six months, but if you go please send pictures! Fun to see my family in a little slice of illustrator history.

Smell the failure

Wow. Why don't I make movies like this?



I have to go curl up in a ball and rock myself now.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Awww...brotherly love

Big bro just wrote about my screenplay win. Very cool of him.

It's all true, too. He was the biggest influence on my personality. As he says, "Gosh, if I hadn't let her read my comics and taken her to see "Star Wars" 30 years ago, who knows where she'd be today? That's right, I'm taking the credit."

Of course, Mom was the biggest influence on my humor and integrity, and Sis taught me how to interact with other humans and maintain relationships...but none of those skills are relevant to the lone wolf breed that is a writer.

Yup, he's right. It's all him. :)



Oh and PS, love his logline for Pistoleras: "A feminist spaghetti Western set in a Mexican bordello." I might have to use that. Socialist Leone and Corbucci would've approved.

Mornin'

3 am, Friday morning. Not my favorite time. Grey grey grey, melancholy.

Why haven't the magical gnomes cleaned my kitchen for me yet? There ARE magical gnomes that take care of spectacularly smart and independent women so that we don't have to stoop to "women's work", yes?

Just left a political rant on my Mspace page. Talk about cognitive dissonance, right? I still don't get Myspace's use, beyond the boys who try to make their harem members jealous of each other. But that's so transparent I don't get how it works on any lady who has graduated college. Oh well, at least Myspace is issuing its death rattle. Soon I'll have one less password to remember.

South Park was on fire tonight. Really enjoyed Imaginationland Part 3. And The Sarah Silverman Program was interesting too.

Thoughts to think on, one to grow on, guess we all learned a lesson.



Blackbird singing in the dead of night...Take these broken wings and learn to fly...

Next up on the insomniac's TV?

I'm feeling some Leto Atreides. You know how I need my Leto. ...Fear is the mindkiller...I'm very bitter that everyone's discoving my James Mcavoy this awards season. He's been mine for a year now, dammit. He's going to blow up so big I won't be able to hire him on a movie for years. Frack. I wonder if he'll still be my go to fantasy man, or if I'll be one of those hypocrites who can't like someone when they're part of the mainstream.

Have to find some other cool smart gentle artistic soulful talented geeky guy to inspire my Magic Wand and breathe heavy in my ear while he has his imaginary way with me. Everything's real in Imaginationland...

God, being in my prime sucks. All I want to do is cuddle up with someone cozy and watch Adult Swim and eat pizza and drink wine and have lots and lots of sex. Why can't the world be like that every night? It's like I'm a 20-year-old dude. And if you saw my wrecked apartment with all my comic book art and Star Wars toys and graphic novels and DVDs you would not disagree.

My Star Wars comforter was a hit at The Shining last night. My friends dug picnicking on Luke's face. No one could believe I brought it out, but I usually keep it in my car. Life is for living.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Creative Screenwriting


It's official; I won first place in the thriller genre category of Creative Screenwriting's Expo Competition! Very, very cool.

Got a cash prize, to make a speech in front of a lot of people, and a frolicking dinner with the other winners and Jim Mercurio. When I can find my camera's charger, I'll post the videos! There might have been some strange things mentioned by or about me. Dildos, anal rape, Andrea Dworkin, Mexican wrestlers...