Monday, November 28, 2005

I'm Not Dead Yet

Or am I? Feel like I got hit with a 2x4.

So as you all know by now, I disappear from the blogging world when things are going shitty and I'm overwhelmed. Thanksgiving Day was actually spent with a group of great new friends, and then the next morning Nurse Sis and I got up way too early to prepare for our cousins' arrival...they left Sunday, and I've pretty much been asleep since then. I have a g-friend who lost her mom recently who said I'd need a ridiculous amount of sleep the first year to process all the emotional turmoil. She wasn't kidding. As delightful as the company was, it's harder than ever to be social...AND then there's guilt during the moments when I'm not missing Mom.

I'm thinking it's TIME...time I take ahold of the low-lying depression and really get into it. Get some therapy, get some massages, address the whole "don't touch me or cause any large emotions in me" aversion I'm having. Do some screaming on the beach. The past two months I've mostly felt numb and in denial. Now I guess it's time to start feeling again. Jump in. Get my anti-anxiety dosage handled, stop medicating through food and alcohol, stop avoiding writing that puts me in an emotional tizzy, address the lack of a sex drive and the whole headache/nausea/vertigo side effects I've had. There's just so much to do; so many outstanding projects and commitments in my life that I don't want to wrap up that have to get done so I don't go insane from avoiding them. Time to grow up and take responsibility for the shambles of my life. Bring it on, bitches!

8 comments:

LeMorse said...

PLEASE...come over to my blog and read today's POST. It means the world to me.

Lynne said...

you're not a mess, you are doing extremely well.

I've been through a lot of losses myself, and when I am overwhelmed by loss or sadness, my body's defenses protect me with the blanket of denial, until I'm ready to start processing the pain. I think you're coming out for a bit of fresh air, but don't be surprised if you hide under the covers again.

do what you need to do
take care of yourself
scream and cry if you need to
and whatever else you need to help you heal

It's a process.

Anonymous said...

No advice from me, since I will be the first to admit I know NOTHING in my own life like what you're going through.

Just love and friendship from the usual spot... and an fofer to read any scripts-in-progress and fofer a completely unsophisticated opinion thereon.

MIM

Anonymous said...

You will, of course, understand that my invitation to you to provide me with scripts-in-progress does NOT include proofreading services.

MIM

Kid Sis said...

:)

Anonymous said...

I know my first xmas w/out my step-dad was weird at best. Just remember it's not supposed to look any certain way right now. You're right to scream and you're right to smile. It's OK to be the strong one and it's OK to ask for help. It's one of those major experiences that i think are part of the overall human experience and going through it makes us more complete humans in the end. How interesting or capable would we be if we never had any heartbreak? Here if you need a shoulder or a primal scream partner. Call me Yoko. ;)

Heidi

Meg said...

You know that scene in Garden State where they stand at the top of the gorge and scream into its depths, and that scream encompasses so much rage, fear, pain, grief, anticipation, release, uncertainty, etcetera?

Let's find a good gorge...or maybe on top of the Hollywood sign? ;)

Kid Sis said...

Heidi, I love Yoko. Yoko it is.

Meg, Hollywood Sign. Definitely. And then we'll write ourselves million dollar checks to visualize success like Jim Carrey did.