October Herror Fest: Directress #3

It's October, which of course means there are no women who make horror films. So here's a feature by another director who doesn't exist:

Jackie Kong

Writer/director/producer of 80s exploitation/horror features THE BEING, NIGHT PATROL, and BLOOD DINER.

"I try never to insult my audience. That's my number one goal. I try to treat my audience as though they're very smart and will know my next move unless I'm clever enough to surprise them."- Jackie Kong

Rental Suggestion: BLOOD DINER

Here is a clip from BLOOD DINER:


Thank you to Hart Fisher, the mastermind behind TV show AMERICAN HORRORS for the suggestion of Jackie Kong! Readers, keep those suggestions coming to me...

Our screenings this Fall/Winter

UPCOMING SCREENINGS OF "THE COMMUNE"

Bram Stoker Film Festival (Whitby, England)
October 14th-17th http://www.bramstokerfilmfestival.com/

Dark Imaginings (San Diego, CA)
November 6th http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=152092514816271&ref=mf

Valley Film Festival (Sherman Oaks, CA)
November 12th http://www.valleyfilmfest.com

SCREENINGS OF "DISTRAUGHT" and "CONSUMED"

Dark Imaginings (San Diego, CA)
November 6th http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=152092514816271&ref=mf

24 Hour Horror Festival (Rochester, NY)
October 30th https://www.thelittle.org/filmfest.php

All Things Horror (Boston, MA)
December TBA

SCREENINGS OF "SCREAM QUEEN"
Carnival of Darkness (Los Angeles)
October 28th http://carnivalofdarkness.net/

24 Hour Horror Festival (Rochester, NY)
October 30th https://www.thelittle.org/filmfest.php

Texas Blood Bath Film Festival (Dallas, Texas)
November 13th, 14th http://www.texasbloodbath.com/

All Things Horror (Boston, MA)
December TBA

My IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2383130/

October Herror Fest: Directress #2

It's October, which of course means there are no women who make horror films. So here's a feature by another director who doesn't exist:

Rachel Talalay

Writer/Director of the funny and gross FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE.

After Freddy, Rachel directed GHOST IN THE MACHINE and TANK GIRL. Now she works in TV and has directed episodes of THE DEAD ZONE, WITHOUT A TRACE, and MASTERPIECE THEATRE. She also has writing and producing credits on many of these projects.

"The other day I was discussing with my man whether it was a mistake to go the humorous, tongue-in-cheek route with Freddy. I wondered if we should have gone full-on horror. He reminded me that at the time it was the right decision. We were burned out on ideas, on scripts, and horror was predictable. We were looking for something to make it different."

- Rachel Talalay

Here's a terrific interview with Rachel.

Rental Suggestion: FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE



Thank you to Hart Fisher, the mastermind behind TV show AMERICAN HORRORS for the suggestion of Rachel Talalay!

October Herror Fest: Directress #1

It's October, which of course means there are no women who make horror films. So here's a fabulous, scary two minute short by a director/producer who doesn't exist:

Marichelle Daywalt

Marichelle Daywalt worked for years in the studio system on feature films classics like FIGHT CLUB and CAST AWAY. After a decade of watching and producing her husband Drew Daywalt's successful horror movies seen through outlets like Fewdio and the Daywalt Feat Factory's Youtube channel, she listened to his encouragement and gave horror writing/directing a shot. The tyro's result is the Viscera-winning short you can see in full here on Youtube:

MOCKINGBIRD short film

Drop Marichelle some encouragement on Facebook; she's got another horror short ready to shoot.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/axwoundradio "Radio Interview With Marichelle "AxWound Radio #3: Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter"

My latest movie reviews

My newest movie reviews are up on Netflix (where I'm still reviewer #6 out of millions!). DEADLINE, SIMON SAYS, ADVENTURELAND, METHOD, HAUNTING IN CONNETICUT. You don't have to be a member to check out my thoughts.

Hot Rod

I'm not usually one for cars...it seems foolish to me as most could be the budget of my next movie, and I'd much rather make a movie than impress people with my transportation. But this fuschia Dodge Charger is pretty sweet. I like my cars with a lil personality.

Added to my birthday list

 http://www.amazon.com/Thrillo-Inflatable-Love-Making-Pillow/dp/B001RYZ0X0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1267440475&sr=8-2

One of the many reasons I heart Maude Michaud

From her FATALLY YOURS interview for February's WOMEN IN HORROR RECOGNITION MONTH:

"A lot of people also see horror as a misogynist genre because of its representation of women, which I think is a shame because I can think of other genres that are way more demeaning! Romantic comedies for example! (laughs) If we stop and think about it, defeating a psycho killer is way more empowering than finding the perfect pair of shoes or the perfect boyfriend, no?"

Oui!

And she namechecks yours truly and my upcoming anthology I HATE LA. It's a good read; check it out.

Deep Thoughts with Lis Fies

Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind an abusive controlling lover if he would do things like you know, dye my gray hair, insert my tampons, do my taxes.

Celebrating All The Women Nominated for Academy Awards

Celebrating All The Women Nominated for Academy Awards

Blerg! Even the dogs are divas...

You know how some actors have famously tanked shoots by getting haircuts or plastic surgery in the middle of shooting and ruining the continuity?

Well you'd think when you only have two stars and a five minute short you wouldn't have that problem. Especially when one of those actors is four-legged and utterly dependent on you for food, shelter, and said haircuts.

Try to suspend your disbelief when adorable Hero's do morphs from shot to shot...depending on the week, he's either teddy bear coiffed or Shaft afroed. You can overlook that, right?

Balls. Guess I ruined my own movie.

Women in Horror Recognition Month

Don't forget to donate blood in honor of Women in Horror Recognition Month!

My sister Brenda Fies and I have been working hard the last two months on our shorts; DISTRAUGHT and CONSUMED. They will both World Premier in two locations February 27th: Texas at the PRETTY SCARY BLOOD BATH Festival, Atlanta at the WOMEN IN HORROR FILM FESTIVAL.

Our LA debut will be in April at the VISCERA FILM FESTIVAL.


GHOULS ON FILM in the UK will be showing THE COMMUNE trailer, and we have upcoming screenings of THE COMMUNE in Washington April 10th, in Tahoe and in Ohio this spring.
Feeling so happy and accomplished! Too much fun :) Thanks for all the support!

More evidence I'm a douchebag

The problem with me being the one who fulfills THE COMMUNE DVD orders is that though I enjoy putting together the packages and writing a personal note, I DREAD going to the post office. I don't know why. It's not like a postman killed my dog or anything. But there is a very strong aversion there that is NOT working well for me, or my customers who are personal friends. Because the more I value your friendship, the more I think you might be okay if I put off sending your DVD just one more day.

Yet another case of needing an assistant, clone, or zombie minion.

Fifth Anniversary

I've been blogging for five years now...thanks to everyone for following my adventures through cancer, Hollywood, and dating. It's been great to meet you.

My daily shot of terror

My Google Alerts, more often then not, are filled with bad news. Here's one I got today. Nothing like being quoted out of context...in another language...of a highly sexualized yet repressed partriarchal society.

Elisabeth Fies (kidsis)님의 트위터
트위터메뉴. 홈 · 검색 · 동네 · 사람찾기 · 도구 · 도움말 · 로그인. kidsis. Elisabeth Fies. 내글들. Peppy little spooge vacuum. Better Off Ted uncensored. ...

That WAS a really funny link to an uncensored bit from TV show Better Off Ted. Sigh. Now it's an advertisement for me to be a mail order bride.

The Cheesiest movie lines

That's my friend Carlos Carrasco at 5:09. Blood In, Blood Out baby! He's in Pistoleras...

Your LIS FIES ACTION HERO

So lifelike...

Daytime TV's First Gay Sex Scene

Daytime TV's First Gay Sex Scene

Twin Peaks 12 Days of Christmas

The Next Greatest Thing to watching the show itself (my favorite anything of all time).

Social Media 2.0 Faux Pas

I've committed some doozies in the last five years of blogging for y'all. But it would appear my most egregious error was committed today, on the deceptively innocuous Facebook.

I was in the comments feed, which have been updated to a stream to more closely resemble Twitter. A diabolical layout, it turns out.

Thought I was on my buddy, longtime Kid Sis reader and fellow screenwriting funny person Josh Greenberg's feed. He left a disgusting update joke about Miggs in Silence of the Lambs throwing snot at Clarice...

But see it turns out, hahaha, and THIS is where things get funny, kids...I WASN'T leaving follow up jokes under Josh's disgusting comment.


So how things looked:

JOSH:

"In Silence of the Lambs, isn't it gross when Miggs throws his snot at Clarice? I can't think of anything more disgusting than throwing snot."

After a friend coincidentally named Liz told him that wasn't snot, volley-eth JOSH:

"that doesn't make any sense - if it's such a maximum security prison, then why would Dr. Chilton let Miggs play with Silly Putty?"

Then I wittily piped in with
LIS FIES:

"I wish someone would explain to me why men have so much more snot than women, and how it keeps ending up on my breasts. Seems like every man I date always has a cold. And I thought gentleman carried monogrammed hankies! I should write Miss Manners..."

And sat back and waited for the hilarity to ensue.

Only it didn't. Twenty minutes later, miffed Josh hadn't responded in kind, I went back to the comments feed page and found my comment WASN'T THERE under Josh's. Que?

So I wrote an equally disgusting follow up accusing him of deleting my previous post (which I've now deduced isn't actually possible to do on Facebook) and telling him that Freud was right, all women really wanted their own free silly putty dispenser like men had. To rub on their breasts.

Ten minutes later, impatient for my volley to be returned, I GO to Josh's homepage. Nothing! Wow, what an ahole! How DARE he delete me???

Somehow by the grace of Zeus, I go looking through the Friendfeed comments again. And find my comments have indeed posted. To the Facebook friend Directly. Underneath. Josh.

This MAY be one of the more effed up things I've ever done.

Let me set the scene, Gentle Reader.

Imagine, if you will, you're an innocent revered acting coach in her fifties who has posted this encouragement to your clients/readers:

DALLAS TRAVERS:

We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. -Charles Swindoll

And underneath it apropos of nothing appears:
LIS FIES:

"I wish someone would explain to me why men have so much more snot than women, and how it keeps ending up on my breasts. Seems like every man I date always has a cold. And I thought gentleman carried monogrammed hankies! I should write Miss Manners..."

And then a follow up accusing her of deleting my previous funny post that mentions silly putty and Freud and my 36D breasts.

OOPS.


Juuuust waiting for the esteemed Ms. Dallas Travers to do what she must, and delete me from her Facebook friends.

Though Dallas DOES say on her info page that she believes in "fun and fulfillment," so maybe my faux pas will just eek by with the proper apology. Apologizing is exhausting. Imagine how Tiger Woods feels!

(Though, in my defense, Dallas DID have three "likes" from her readers...one of them MIGHT have been for me, The Innapropriate Poster (soon to be a Ten Till One sketch on Saturday Night Live))

I blame you, Josh Greenberg.

Okay, so...Not really ladylike behavior on my part. I can take responsibility for my fallout. See, I thought comedian Steve Harvey's love advice to women on Oprah was to Act like a Man and Think Like a Woman. Guess it was Act like a woman...

But what's funny about being ladylike? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Chelsea Handler isn't classy & she's dating head honcho at E. Maybe I should keep being myself: lewd, swearmonkey, Inapropriate Poster.

Oddly, this whole apologue translated perfectly in the 140 character world of Twitter. Here's what some of my Twitter virtual friends said:

@djallg00d @kidsis LOL she'll forgive you cuz it's friday and you're hilarious

@JoshGorfain @kidsis I wouldn't ask for anything different!

@Hello_Kuma @kidsis I love you to pieces for all those reasons.

@lovelylynda @kidsis You can delete your comment. :)

Lynda's an oooold Blogger friend from the beginning whom I finally met in person this last summer in our hometown Santa Rosa. But the other gentlemen don't know me and have no reason to be nice just cuz...so maybe I'm still doing okay as me.

What say ye, Blogger world?

-Lis "classy and chic like Coco Chanel" Fies


RETRO BLOGGER WAY BACK MACHINE: Oh, and what was I posting about almost exactly a year ago? Another hi-larious Larry David's Sister moment. Worth reading. Happy effin' Holidays.

Police Find Boy, 4, Wandering Streets Drunk Wearing A Dress

Oh thank Zeus, someone's found my child! I donated an egg a few years back, and I've been walking the earth drunk like Caine ever since to find him...

Police Find Boy, 4, Wandering Streets Drunk Wearing A Dress

Mark Stolaroff on Paramount's new microbudget division

Great article.


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The Financial Consequences Of Safe Sex

The Financial Consequences Of Safe Sex

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Poll: Over Half of Ex-LATers Say Print Newspapers Are Doomed

Poll: Over Half of Ex-LATers Say Print Newspapers Are Doomed

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Jazz-Hands Kitty

Jazz-Hands Kitty

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Fugne

Fugne

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Turkey Day Horror Stories

To make you extra grateful.

I'm thankful for caller ID.


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20 Male Poses of Facebook

An instant classic. Sooo funny. I hope she takes on Match.com next.


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Help my friend!

Rent my good friend and (Emmy Winner!) Barbara Stepansky's feature debut HURT...available everywhere and a new release last week!

And check out this amazing blog entry to get a glimpse into the mind of a film director as works on her second movie.


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Our friend is in the news!

Blake is one of the people behind the Atlanta Horror Fest, and a big supporter of THE COMMUNE. Yea, Blake! Congrats on the cool profile article!


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Holiday Gift Guide

For rich partners with communication issues. NSFW


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Hey men, want to get polled?

Who of you awesome married men knew on the first date or within the first month-ish that she was the woman for you? I need to hear your opinions...providing your experience will save me energy and heartbreak in the dating world and help me understand you magical XYs.

Thank you! Appreciate your sharing, you love heroes!


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How do I get someone to read/buy my script/logline/great idea?

I'm often contacted by people outside of LA in other fields who have read some of those pipedream screenwriting books (written by out of work screenwriters) and are now confused as to WHY they can't get anyone in Hollywood to read or buy their script, logline, great idea that only needs to be fleshed out into a screenplay.

This is, of course, the equivalent of me walking into a surgeon's office and asking to scrub in on their next surgery: frustrating, insulting, and people get angry when you take the scalpel out their hand and tell them they haven't done any of the schooling and work they need to be qualified.

I hope the following honest answer helps explain the REALITY of the film industry today so that y'all stop emailing me and my friends. Because dealing with this BS has gotten beyond old.


Dear "New Screenwriter" Working in Another Field Not Even Living in LA,

If you read the trade magazines like Variety and Hollywood Reporter you'll see that A-list screenwriters are not able to sell a script in this economy.

(And if you aren't reading those trades daily you've already failed the first daily chore you need to do to call yourself a "screenwriter".)

Studios are closing, they are all making less pictures, and the people who used to be able to make money in this town are packing up and leaving. It's turned into a game of Survivor out here the last two years since the Writer's Strike and the recession.

Nothing is better in LA than it is in the rest of the country. And it's certainly WORSE than whatever chosen career you are currently practicing, but trying to escape through writing.

I can't name one person I know who knows someone who has sold ANYTHING in over two years. We are not getting read or getting meetings either, and our agents and managers are dropping us.

These are friends, classmates and former co-workers of mine with Academy awards and Emmys, a rolodex of contacts, several film school degrees. We have all joined the union, paid off 50-100k of film school student loans, and put in our fifteen to twenty years of Hollywood shit work "paying our dues". We've all also actually committed to living in expensive and soul-sucking LA; often at the expense of having a normal life with marriage and kids.

We are all astronomically more deserving of being read than YOU.

And all of us are going bankrupt.

I would suggest putting your screenplay in a drawer and waiting out the economy several more years like ALL OF US living in LA.

Or make your movie yourself where you are. There are many websites and books out there that can steer you towards how to raise the money and produce and distribute it yourself! But be warned...you will lose your life savings and possibly your marriage. Just like the rest of us.

And for gods' sake, STOP buying screenwriting books, going to bogus expos, pitch sessions, and entering screenplay contests. When there is that much information and "opportunity" out there to join the Gold Rush, it's because THERE'S NO GOLD LEFT.

Entrepreneurs got rich selling shovels to prospectors. THE METAPHOR IS APT.

And if you don't like my advice and think I made it all up to spite your dream and your vision board...Go pay an out of work screenwriter-turned guru script consultant a lot of money to blow smoke up your ass. You'll find hundreds desperate to do it because it's how they afford their apartment rent and late-model Hundai payment. Or just check the Writer's Guild stats and see for yourself that the average screenwriter makes less money annually than a manager at McDonald's.

If you love writing more than your current job and know in your heart it's your calling and it's easy to get paid for it...Might I suggest the flourishing career of journalism? I hear they're opening fancy newspapers every day and lobbing Pulitzers at anyone. The NY publishing industry too, if you have a great novel inside you. The best place to find a Full-time Writer to ask for career advice is at the unemployment office.

Good luck,

Elisabeth

P.S.

Oh, but it's different advice in one case: if you're downloading movies and books for free off the internet. In that case, great ideas and first drafts are all Hollywood is looking for! Sell your car and cash in your retirement and pay thousands for a script consultant. Immediately. And start buying lottery tickets.


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Moby's Fight To Fund Women's Shelters

Moby's Fight To Fund Women's Shelters

Good Clean Love TM

In some effort to be hip and female-centric, the gift bag from the La Femme Film Festival last weekend included a lubricant sample and brochure subtitled "Making Love Sustainable." Every girl's dream!

OF COURSE the inside is filled with enough information about all the other dangerous cancer-causing lubricants on the market to make my pubic hair curl. I only wish I could toss out my cancer-causing Rabbit vibrator AGAIN!

So Good Clean Love lubricant claims that most personal lubricants are made with the same ingredients found in hydraulic brake fluid.

That's just for starters. There's four pages of this stuff that concludes with "the vast majority of both OTC and Adult intimacy and topical sexual enhancement products are made with ingredients invented for industrial uses, not for the most sensitive tissue in the body. Many women have allergic responses to these chemicals that create itching, burning and pain with intimacy."

Don't know if any of their claims are true, but thought I'd pass it on for you to check out for yourselves. My gynecologist is a mensch, a friend, one of the worlds best obgyns, and has been giving me oil changes for twenty years...I'll ask him next month when I'm due for a pit stop.

Thank GOD I get to report I've had sex this year. I couldn't take another long unhappy stare from Dr. H. I do think he's come to terms with the prospect of not delivering any babies for me, but man he hates it when I haven't had sex in a year. He's even qualified to say stuff like "your mom wouldn't like you being unhappy." Between him and that psychic who told me I was going to give myself cancer if I didn't start having sex regularly...like a single gal needs more voices in her head!

By the way, a little tip a girlfriend told me last year: if you get too wet to feel your man, use a condom the first and/or second time you have sex and it will help absorb your natural lubricant and you'll be able to enjoy sex. Then the third time don't use a condom, and you'll be coming together.


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Fug or Fab: The Anti-Bay

Fug or Fab: Isabel Lucas

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My Parents Were Awesome

I love this site! Thanks to Fishbowl LA for pointing it out:

"Pictures of parents being young and amazing, before ungrateful children sucked the life out of them. Photos of your own parents being awesome can be submitted to myparentswereawesome@gmail.com - be sure to include names!"

My Parents Were Awesome

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I'm now a Pretty/Scary movie reviewer!

In addition to still being 6th ranked at Netflix! Out of zillions. ;)

My PARANORMAL ACTIVITY review, detailing how PA embodies both genders' greatest fear.

My TRICK 'R TREAT review. Rent it. Fun movie. And Michael Dougherty has been tweeting me back. Cool guy.

My HAGSTONE DEMON review. Mark Borchadt is back and he's sexy! Found this movie at the Atlanta Horror Fest, where it won the Buried Alive award.


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The Commune screening THIS SATURDAY, October 17th!

Really hope you can make it! Our last LA screening:

La Femme Film Festival

4 pm
Renberg Theatre
LA Gay & Lesbian Center
1125 N McCadden Place
Los Angeles 90038


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I like Cabel

Fun guy, cool blog.


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How to make a Press Kit - Film Snobbery on The Commmune

Film Snobbery Tutorials - Creating a Screener Press Kit from Nicholas Baisley on Vimeo.

Schmoo!!

Help out a good egg

Go vote for writer/director/Final-Girl-founder STACIE PONDER's zombie short.

Now THAT's some lingerie, folks

By Kiki de Montparnasse.

Cut from LA INK...

And on the fourth anniversary of Mom's death no less. Wah-wah.

Here's the pic Corey took of me: