Fancy a serenade by Joseph Gordon-Levitt? En Francais?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6Gap479VrT0#!

Hey men, want to get polled?

Who of you awesome married men knew on the first date or within the first month-ish that she was the woman for you? I need to hear your opinions...providing your experience will save me energy and heartbreak in the dating world and help me understand you magical XYs.

Thank you! Appreciate your sharing, you love heroes!


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Jeebus

My friend Julia Gogosha (talented eyewear guru to the true stars) has a fantastic array of yummy yummy men up on her site. Check out her amazing handiwork on these hunks.

Facebook fun

Ohhhh I'm being teased by an Italian boy from last fall...is he 24 yet?

Hrumph. I AM going to be in London in three weeks; is it really THAT much harder to get back to Florence?

Or is it just wrong to visit one European city three times in less than 8 months...

Amazing Fellatio

Did you know that if you google "Amazing Fellatio" I am result number 30? In the world?

I mean, it's true. Obviously. Look at my smile!

But I don't need the word out there. I've already got stalker exes.

THE COMMUNE on LA Talk Radio

Check out our hour-long interview on LA Talk Radio with Kip Brown IN THE CAN!!! And he wants us back in a month, or to be one of the first guests when they move to the TV show format on Time Warner. Yea, team!!!

April 4th, 2009
Listen or Download.

A cult classic. Writer/director/producer Elisabeth Fies gives a fun and twisted interview about her new psychological thriller feature THE COMMUNE. She is joined by Emmy-winning star and heart-throb David Lago, and brilliant editor/producer Todd Miro for rollicking banter about cutting edge techniques indie filmmakers should be using. Don't miss this irreverent and bold episode; even Kip said he learned a lot! "THE COMMUNE is what THE WICKER MAN remake would have been if it had any balls at all." - Pretty/Scary www.TheCommuneMovie.com

So I know I'm dumb at dating and all...

But if the handsome sweet actor guy in his 30s who delivers your food remembers you every time and keeps repeating "If there's anything you need help with, any HELP"...and introduces himself and shakes your hand and is happy you have fierce dogs to protect you...that puts him in the "he's into you" zone, right?

Charmed and enchanted by me? Wants to protect me, wants to save me...not your average LA male actor, right?

Maybe he can help me finish my taxes.

Maybe he can help me eat all this food.

Maybe he can help me be less retarded at dating (and I mean retarded in the dictionary sense...I'm quite behind the rest of my schoolmates).

I might have to be ordering more takeout.

I just learned a life lesson from One Tree Hill

That's such a fucking wrong sentence. Nonetheless:

"Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt. We gave it everything we could, but it just didn’t work out."

Oh, and they had ANOTHER truth we already know:

HALEY: What’s the first thing I taught you about writing?
SAM: Tell the truth.



And yes I'm still drunk. Shut up. You with your happy happy life, and your frequent sex. Fuck off.


Now I'm watching HOUSE. And thinking about how I used to happily poledance to the themesong.

WILSON to House: I don't want you to be fine, I want you to be happy.


Happy. Everyone's bloody happy.

Seriously, where is MY happy life? Where, I ask ye...And how is it fair that I've had sex in my LIFETIME less times than Dr. Oz recommends IN A YEAR?*

I had a psychic tell me five years ago I was going to get cancer if I didn't start having sex, and I've STILL only had sex seven times since then.

I am soooo going to die of cancer. And tearful masturbation.

Sigh.


Did anyone else watch the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA series finale and think that the guy who played Sean Ellison should be my husband? Smitten, adoring puppy-dog eyes and all?


* The answer: 200 times a year.

"If you have more than 200 orgasms a year, you can reduce your physiologic age by six years," Dr. Oz says, basing this number on a study from researchers at Duke University who surveyed people about the amount and quality of sex they had. "They looked at what happened to folks that are having a lot of intercourse over time, and the fact is, it correlated." Frequent sex helps prove that your body is functioning as it is supposed to. "But in addition, having sex with someone that you care for deeply is one of the ways we achieve that Zen experience that we all crave as human beings," says Dr. Oz. "It's really a spiritual event for folks when they're with someone they love and they can consummate it with sexual activity...seems to offer some survival benefit."

EDIT: I guess you're really supposed to count the ACTUAL number of times you've had intercourse, which means I could double my number. Still nowhere near 200 times a year. Though then it seems the important thing is that you've had an ORGASM, which is dumb of Dr. Oz to equate with penetration for women....cut my number in half again...but then add on oral sex...and that Jeremy gave me two dozen orgasms in one night with his amazing hands...and I guess masturbation doesn't count as orgasm becuase I don't get the "zen experience we all crave as human beings".

This math is WAY too confusing and depressing, and still adds up to me dying from not having enough soul-connected sex. Fuck you all and your happy zen sex. Fuckers.

This sex is on fire

Being a trained musician makes you a better listener, more sensitive lover. Good news for my datees.

A Wrinkle in Time

I've been really really good about not sharing details about my love life, oui? Yes, I've noticed the steady decline in readership, you jackals, but none the less...preserving sanity and having a good life are paramount.

But I just HAVE to share this itty bitty tiny kernal.

I received an intriguing-feeling, smile-inducing email today through a matchmaking site from a handsome man just a couple years older than me who lives about 5 miles away and...get this...is a 100% compatibility match.

I'm pretty sure on this site I've never had above, like 94%. Pretty sure.

So if a wormhole opens up and disrupts the space-time continuum in the next week, it may just be us getting within ten feet of each other. Even if it's just close enough to lob our address books at each other, exchanging friends' phone numbers. Or exchanging clothes and deciding to play Freaky Friday on our loved ones.

Barbara with the lazy eye

Can't I just have both of them? I've been a really really good girl. I deserve them. Polygeny has a really high success rate.



Canine Epilepsy. It's serious, folks.

Ça c'est quoi?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to remember."
- Shawn Spencer, "An Evening With Mr. Yang" - PSYCH

Okay, so the way my life works is if I hear something repetitively through the week I consider it a sign to pay attention to.

So WHY WHY WHY have I now heard the phrase amuse bouche around five times this week?

Strange things are afoot...


Oh, and how can this already be PSYCH's season finale? Curses.

Flight of the Conchords - Too Many Dicks

Back in fine form tonight, after two shaky episodes.

Great compliment

Someone told me last week my grin reminded him of Steve McQueen. How cool is that? Pretty smart thing to say to me.


So next time you Hollywood types are bitchin you can't find a Steve McQueen to cast, think of me.

I've got hurt feelings

Love scene

Had a lot of questions about how it went...it went great. Rewrote the scene for a man instead of a boy and cast my friend Trevor Murphy from Conventioneers, who is beyond rad. He was a total pro, oodles of fun, handled me great, and the scenes are so hot. Good deal.



Yes, I'm nude in the film. Once you see my whole backside getting out of a pool, and then when I seduce Trevor's character you see my double d's for five seconds for the foreign markets. Doing my part to sell the film, and show average-sized women are goddesses of love, too.




And now I must play the Hollywood selling game and drop 25 pounds. I'm going to try my 4 Hour Work Weekdude's two plans if you want to join me. Be done in time for Thanksgiving!

Progress

Exchanged numbers yesterday with two men. Not bad.

Check out our new lead actress. She was just in "Entertainment Weekly" and "The Insider", and this spoof on YouTube got 5 million hits the first week:



Chauntal Lewis is recording her debut album with RCA this week, then coming straight to lucky us on The Commune!

Stupid

Okay, I apparently make friends with EVERYONE in elevators. The rest of you don't do this? I didn't realize that. Just had a lovely. hysterical conversation with a gentleman going down, and another one with a lady going up. See, my elevator rides always end up being laughfests with strangers.

So I get asked out by hot single men in elevators because statistically, some of the human beings I ride with are going to hot single men. Question below answered; moving on.

Manifestation 101

I'm 8.5 pounds down. Sweet.

Through a date I had a few weeks ago, I realized some important things and have made some big changes in my life. I'm totally clear on what I want to manifest:

To share my life with a partner. I want to meet that person I'll love for a lifetime.

What I'm looking for?

Top three? Social, happy, sweet.

Monogamous. Has chemistry with me. He's actively pursuing some avocation he loves - even if not making money at it yet. Supportive. We spur each other on in our respective creative ventures. Kind. Proximity, at least part of the year. Fun and quick to laugh. Genuine. Not hung up on materialism, popularity, surface. Strong and secure. Turned on by a dame with brains. Feminist. A foodie. Romantic and gentle in bed. Always kissing me, and likes to hold hands. Wants to leave the world a better place. Not sure he wants kids. Loves to travel. Cherishes me. Is open and authentic with me. Believes in himself and gets pleasure from being a good man.

Dealbreakers? Smoker. Drugs. In debt and not working on it. Doesn't want me as much as I want him. Lack of courtesy. Doesn't get along with my friends.

Have to think about it more. I'm not a big believer in lists. The only things my exes had in common was their uniqueness and passion for me.

But I met someone great I would have had a second date with, and his dealbreaker was living two hours apart. Important to know. See, I would love having one great date a week and sending a romantic letter or a couple emails in between. It would help keep me from falling for him too fast, and at the same time I tend to fall in love in men's absences. If things worked out and we were exclusive? His city was already on my list of places I'm looking at moving to. If I thought it was a soulmate thing, two hours is childsplay. A fun challenge to make me creative. I can be reallllly creative. And fun.

What seems totally doable and a goofy excuse to one person is death to another. You can rationalize it all you want, but you can't convince someone out of their dealbreaker. You just walk away and go meet someone else. I'm learning. Learning not to be a romantic.

What are your preferred qualities and dealbreakers?

Happiness diet

Okay, I've tried to explain this biochemistry weirdness to my male friends before and they never believe that women can do everything right with diet and exercise and still not change their bodies. But it's absolute when I'm stressed and in mourning, and for a lot of you caretakers out there this will ring true.

Now that I'm happy and don't give a fig about my weight, I'm losing it. No diet, no exercise, but I'm five pounds down and an entire size since last week. It's both a "yea!" and a "harumph". I'm a big believer in energy and chakras, so it's probably more about me being happy enough again to operate out of my normal state of excitement and joy and openess about life. Regardless, things are working and I need some weight off just to be able to captain a film shoot, so I'm going to ride this train and diet and do Pilates so I can be another ten pounds of grief down by September. I just hope I don't lose too much too quickly, because I'd like to still be a "real woman" size to play my character in this film. It's really important to me to get on camera that earthy and curvy can be totally sexy, before I lose my double Ds and sucumb to the Hollywood twig mentality to be able to sell the film this winter in meetings.

I also joined a high calibre matchmaking group. I highly recommend it. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this now when I'm so busy, because when I joined Match while Mom was sick I was completely overwhelmed by men. But I have to learn how to date properly somehow so that I don't pick someone by default and I get a better feel for men romantically in general. I always liked being Marion Dashwood and liked that I only let maybe one great guy have a shot a year, but that hasn't worked for me now, has it? So it's time to grow and let go of who I was. Time to learn to be authentic and in integrity with men while they're pitching themselves to me, and how to be so compassionate and kind when I say no that it's a good experience for both of us, and not to give my heart away for free to the Willoughby scoundrel who makes it flutter. How exciting! I think I'm about to meet some really quality people who get that love is what makes life worth living.

Ah god, enough enough enough about me. Here is my friend David Lago's supersexy celebrity slimdown diet. He regularly adds or drops ten pounds in a week for Y & R and other movies (though I still maintain that's because he's a hunter/forager and that women's childbearing bodies don't allow it):

Eat six small meals a day so you're never hungry, never full. Mostly eat low fat protein. If you normally have a tuna fish sandwich for lunch, eat half at one meal and half at the next. Drink lots of water before and after each meal. Don't eat less than four hours before bedtime. If you're starved and have to, enjoy something easily digestible like a few egg whites or a protein shake with no carbs. An hour of cardio and and hour of weightlifting a day.

That's it! Not that easy, not that hard...sort of in the middle discipline area of things I've done in the past. Though honestly, he was more convincing when I was stoned. But at least you're eating more than the average starlet's tic tac diet, so that's pretty good. Let me know if you try it and it works. I'm starting this week.


I've personally seen Dave drop what, twenty pounds in two weeks? That was last spring for "Obsidere." And now that he's playing a main character in my film that we're shooting this October, he's got a bur up his butt to get cut like a Spartan for it. For the record, I am no nasty producer/director. I told him he looks great the way he is now. It's all him ladies, so you can thank him for the discipline when he takes off his shirt on camera.

Have you guys taken my advice and bought "300" yet? I'm telling you, you can toss out your porn and just wear out this DVD. In constant rotation at my place. Thigh trembling will ensue.