Pssst!! Hey Kids! Want to know who wins Crash the Super Bowl VIII?!

• 

  These two are so happy because they already know...

  The Doritos Crash the Super Bowl contest is in year eight of its groundbreaking search for the best amateur 30 second Doritos commercial. The winner airs during the Super Bowl to an audience of 110 million people, and receives 1 million dollars, and the chance to work on the set of "Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron"!

  The 24 semi-finalists have been announced, and voting is open. You don't need a time machine to know who is going to win February 2, 2014. My early pick for the winning entry is now in first place with a 4.2 rating from viewers around the world!

  

  
  

  "Time Machine" is a clever short story about a naive man with a bag of Doritos who stumbles upon a cute little kid's time machine and...well here, you've got 30 seconds to be entertained and laugh out loud:  
  Time Machine - Watch, then click the red stars at the bottom left to rate it a 5! 
  This entry is by far my favorite of the 24 semi-finalists, some of which are mediocre, and some of which are hateful (see Dan L.'s terrific article here). I always root for the underdog, but this year the underdog also happens to be the clear, deserving winner.

  I also think this entry is the one that has the spirit of the Marvel brand, and don't forget Stan Lee himself will be one of the judges!
  Filmmaker Ryan Thomas Andersen read my articles analyzing the semifinalists and tracked me down to say hello. Luckily for us all, he graciously agreed to an interview!  
  Ryan is a self-made filmmaker, but a family man first. As you'll see, family is an integral part of this All-American's filmmaking process...
  

  

  This year's forerunner is an unstoppable One-Man Production House!

  Lis: Tell us about yourself and your filmmaking beginnings. Where do you live, where did you study?
  Ryan: My name is Ryan Thomas Andersen. I am a single dad, and my filmmaking beginnings started in my 2nd semester (2004) of community college. I was going for architecture then thought..."never-mind I want to make films instead!" I joined a class and ever since have been in love with it! I live in Scottsdale Az, and I am a film student DropOut from Scottsdale Community College.
• Lis: And now you'll be on the cover of their brochures as their latest success story, haha...You are the CEO of AndersenCrine Productions and have already directed commercials for big names like Netflix, Tide, Dannon, and WalMart. What made you decide to enter Crash the Super Bowl? Who is Crine, and was he/she a part of Time Machine?
  Ryan: I have always entered this contest as something fun to do and a chance to win some serious money to fund my feature film! Of course the exposure would be amazing as well. "Crine" is my mothers maiden name. I took my dad's last name "Andersen". When I created my company I wanted to cary on my moms last name somehow, and also as a child My name "crine" was used to make fun of me daily..."cryin' Ryan" They would say! hahahah So I wanted to wear it proudly!

  

  Cryin' Ryan Redux is a millionaire...

  Lis: That's so cool. I love that you took back your name, and I'm sure your mom is proud! Plus you know some of those schoolyard bullies are going to send friend requests now. 

  Is this your first year entering Crash the Super Bowl? If not, which other entries have you made?

  Ryan: This is my 4th year entering. here they are: Year 1: "Par For the Crunch" http://youtu.be/x_ASo084U78 Year 2: "Oh man oh man oh man" http://youtu.be/j3Fzy9vJZJM Year 3: "There Goes Brutus Again" http://youtu.be/52AY91REZqw

  Lis: Wow, those entries are all really strong! I particularly like Year 1's setup, delivery, and punchline with the older woman. It's refreshing to hear that you've entered many times and grown as a contestant. I think people like seeing skill mastery rewarded, and you've clearly worked hard.

  How did you develop the script for Time Machine? Did you spend all year thinking about it, have a brainstorm session and picked this idea? What's your creative process, and how important is the teleplay to you?

  Ryan: I was actually thinking of ideas for another company that had hired me, and I came up with this spot randomly within seconds... I wish I could explain it better but that's how my mind works (VERY RANDOMLY) it all just poured into my head. I held onto the idea for 8 Months and thought I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR DORITOS. I immediately thought "This is the winning idea." Got together with my producer Raj Suri and told him the idea. He loved it, and then we collaborated and made it into what you see now! My creative process is pretty "by the seat of my pants". I'm not proud of that but its true. I have self diagnosed myself with ADHD and I feed myself that excuse daily hahahha! This is a very important script to me because It was the most thought out and most original idea I have ever had. Plus it allowed me to cast my adorable son in it!
  

  

  The All-Americans

  Lis: What was the production like? What camera, how many crew members? Did your main character improv, or stick to the script?

  Ryan: The production was very minimal hahahah. There was our sound guy (Tommy shaeffer), me, our 3 actors (Daved Wilkins, Jim Coates, Gavin Andersen), a good friend that acted as a PA (Steve Gresser), and our producer (Raj Suri) and my mom ( Brenda Andersen )....and of course Hogan the dog! I set designed/shot/directed/edited/sound designed/colored. lol I'm kind of a one man Production House. We shot it all in about 7 hours, and it took about 80+ hours in the editing room! I shot on the Black Magic Cinema Camera with some Prime Cinema Lenses. Our main character Daved Wilkins Did a lot of improv but the final cut is almost EXACTLY what the script said!

  Lis: I love that it's a family affair, and a minimalist set. Yours is one of the rare semifinalist entries that doesn't use professional crews. Also, you may have just sold me on the Black Magic camera. I've been thinking of trading in my Canon 5D.
  You have the key ingredients to be the 2014 Doritos Winner (Can we skip past the pretense and just hand you the crown already?). You have an arresting and funny idea, told with precise set up/delivery/punchline, set in a domestic location, starring a white man who is the butt of the joke, co-starring an adorable kid and a dog. That's the very definition of the Doritos Crash the Super Bowl brand. We already know the kid is your handiwork...so now we want to know: is that your dog?
  

  

  Gavin and Hogan Andersen

  Ryan: Yes it is my son...my dog...and my parents house hahahaha. I found the refrigerator box on the side of the road...painted it brown with my producer and poked christmas lights into it and decorated it with my sons markers and toys!!! lol I did this all in their front yard while the whole neighborhood drove by and looked at me like I was a nut job. My mom was the "dog wrangler". Haha he's not even a trained dog. My son's first commercial with dialogue, too. I think he did great. I wanted my son to be as natural as possible and he loves his dog "Hogan" so i knew they would have good chemistry on screen...so it was a no brainer.
  
  

  

  AndersenCrine Productions!

  Lis: Your son was awesome; methinks he'll start his acting resume with winning Crash the Super Bowl. And way to make your mom earn "Crine" Productions!
  What is the craziest thing that's happened since making the Semi-Finalists out of over 4,000 entires?

  Ryan: The craziest thing isn't really that crazy but My Facebook friend requests SKY ROCKETED... lol. My phone has been non-stop with notifications, and messages, phone calls etc.

  Lis: I'm picturing Malcolm McDowell and James Earl Jones narrating your phone notifications. Actually, I know you're being modest. The coolest thing I've seen happen to you is you've already booked your next commercial directorial gig, and for a major corporation. Congrats!

  You have some terrific award-winning shorts up at RyanThomasAndersen.com, including "The Fall," which won Best Picture at IFP's prestigious Masterpiece Film Challenge. Is directing commercials your goal, or is your endgame making feature films?
  

  

  The big check! Okay, maybe not so big. But IFP!!

  Ryan:  I do short films from time to time to stay fresh and to practice my craft. And that is honestly why I did commercials as well..to practice! But then someone said hey you're good at this, you should get paid for it! SOOO now that has pretty much become my full time job! I haven't "clocked in" anywhere in a very long time and have been running my own show since 2008. I am very grateful as well because it allows me to spend enormous amounts of time with my son! But my endgame is feature films.

  I'm making my first feature film at the end of 2014, and it's a visceral drama about second chances in life. We all do things or have things done to us that we cannot take back, and should not be the things that define us. ("Eyes Wide Shut" meets "Love Me If You Dare.") I also have two more feature screenplays I'm currently writing. The first one I acquired life rights to. It is based on a true story and will make for a fantastic story! The other I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO DO. It is an idea that is the most realistic thing that has ever been done in film. I know that is saying a lot, but it is an idea that I have only told three other people! It will change the way people look at films, and will be talked about for years. I have never felt this cray strong about anything creatively I have ever done.

  Lis: Can't wait to see those feature films! Nothing Hollywood loves more than a confident under thirty filmmaker with a ton of ideas and drive! Thanks for the interview Ryan.

  Isn't he cool, folks? Since it's supposed to be an amateur contest, it's so refreshing to see a semi-finalist who doesn't already work in Hollywood, didn't spend thousands of dollars, or have a suspicious advantage. 

  Considering last year's finalists got CAA agents and select meetings around town, sounds like some lucky Hollywood executives will soon be hearing this top secret idea! Count me on the record as saying someone is going to credit for starting this young filmmaker's Hollywood career! 'Nuff said!
                          
  Don't forget to go to Doritos to watch and rate "Time Machine." Best we can tell, you are allowed to rate it every day! The five finalists will be announced in 27 days, and we're Team Ryan! You can also "like" the official Facebook page here, and Tweet about it: @DoritosTimeMach #VoteTimeMachine '
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

Doritos' Top 20 Semi-Finalists - Crash the Super Bowl VIII

The 20 semi-finalist commercials were announced this morning. It must be true that scores and views didn't matter to the judges; many of these semifinalists have dismal ratings (one currently has 1 out of 5 stars!).

I hadn't seen most of these and feel disappointed some of my favorite highly rated choices were left out. Perhaps the style and content choices are different because it's the first time the contest has been open outside of the U.S., or because it's the top 20 and not the top 5. Whatever the reason, there are several weak semi-finalist contenders that break past winners' patterns and don't accurately represent the Doritos brand. The contest results have been so consistent in the past that I can't help but hope the anomalies will wash out in thirty days when the five finalists are chosen.

*UPDATE 1: Holy Doritos! They picked more than 20 Semi-Finalists, a fact I missed in the middle of the night. I have updated to include all 24 entries.

*UPDATE 2: Well now I couldn't love Dan L. more. Over at his terrific Video Contest News.com, he's posted a great article about the weirdly anomalous inclusion of misogynistic and offensive semi-finalists. Since people seem to take these issues more seriously when they are presented by a man,  PLEASE check out his thoughts and picture me standing behind him nodding and mouthing "Preach!". And thanks again to Dan. L for all his terrific Crash the Superbowl coverage over the years.

Also I've had some emails and comments that indicate readers haven't seen my rather thorough analysis of the common elements of the twenty-six finalists since 2007. Please check it out. I'm not talking out of my ass here; I actually looked at the data and analyzed the patterns of what Doritos consistently tells us is their Crash the Super Bowl brand.

My predictions for the finalists (top 5) of Crash the Superbowl VIII:

5. Office Thief

Solid story that sells the brand, in the office location Doritos judges love to choose. **There was a similar entry this year with an ostrich being framed that was much funnier, but perhaps the ostrich was not enough of an other to avoid insult. Doritos judges prefer the joke victim to be a white male, and this commercial fits the bill. (**Actually the Breakroom Ostrich DID make the cut! He knocks my Office Thief pick out of the top 5 to join the other top 19). Goooo Ostrich!

4. Doritos Make Everything Better Cut 1 

It's absurdist, domestic, has a cute kid and Doritos magic, with a terrific ending where a white dad is the butt of the joke. Fits the finalist pattern. But you know which one I WISH would be here instead?...

*Sorry Karl
I probably love it too much for it to make the top five, but a feminist can dream.Written by and starring snarky women who finally get their own fantasy instead of being the objects of desire. It would be a huge departure for the brand, which hasn't gone in for big sets and fantasy numbers before, let alone female leads owning their sexuality for their own pleasure. I fear they threw women a bone with this entry so they could bone us below with a bunch of misogynist semi-finalists.  

3. Jim Figures it Out

Utterly original and buzzworthy, with a perfect funny ending that sells the chips.

2. Mants!

Wonderfully odd and arresting domestic humor. But Tori Spelling and the Gay Hoarder filmmakers may have a lawsuit.

1. Time Machine

I predicted it before and I'll say it again: here's your 2014 winner! Fresh, funny, clean middle American humor at the expense of a white man. That's the Doritos brand.

The remaining 19 entries:

Chips Before Chics 

With an abysmal rating of 1 out of 5, this loser has three features that break the Doritos finalist mould: women in bikinis, sexualized women passed over for Doritos, and an exploitation ending straight out of a WWE match. I'm shocked Doritos picked this one, except look at the next loser:

Mermaid

This one makes me feel livid! As you know from my previous analysis, only one finalist has featured a death in the storyline. This is sexual attraction with the joke being instead he murders her, and then displays the female corpse over the fireplace. Shame on you Doritos!!! Completely beneath you, and not funny given three American women a day are killed by their lovers. Not a joking matter, and this ad should be disqualified IMMEDIATELY. If this is what your brand is now, then you deserve to be boycotted!

Dive 

It looks great, is a well executed story with a beginning, middle, end, and a solid joke at the end. I predicted it for the top 20. But I don't love it. It's not funny or odd enough to be the Doritos brand.

Finger Cleaner 

When someone explains to the Doritos Judges what a glory hole is, heads are going to roll. They've never even featured PG-13 humor, let alone this offensive XXX commercial. Enjoy the top 20 and the million hits; you should never have made it this far on a filthy visual joke people can't let their kids see during halftime.

Body Cast

Not an idea we haven't seen before, and the ending drifts off.

Inertia 

Pretty cool. Out of the twenty-six past finalists, there weren't any that felt this cinematic. Content/story is king, and this one relies a lot on cool shots and lenses instead of nailing the third act. The ending burns out without a great joke, but the idea is arresting and well executed until then. If it makes it into the finalists it would become the third finalist to star an older actor.

Cowboy Kid

Hey, I was right about Cowboy Kid getting semi-finalist status! I still think it's a well-executed concept with a weak/weird ending. Why is the mom cheering?

Who's Your Daddy 

What a shame that the last line trails off to an implied swear word. They had a real shot here if they'd just written a great ending joke.

Most Generous Man

This one is bizarre. But I don't know if people really want to see a grandma getting kissed during the Super Bowl.

Bold Moves 

Male nudity as a joke is a frequent American subject, but it's never been finalist-worthy before. I don't think Bold Moves will be the exception.

Luchadoritos

As much as I would love to see us finally get a second finalist starring no white actors, and the first commercial to star Latinos, this one feels like an underdog. But boy do I root for an underdog...

A Snack Worth Saving 

Every year there are dozens upon dozens of entries where the joke is that men choose Doritos over a beautiful woman who is crushed and hurt by the decision. Doubt the Asian feel and acrobatics is enough to propel this mean one into the top five, though it would finally be our second Asian lead actor.

Imaginary Friend 

A little shocked this one made it in, as that sure looks like simulated sex grinding to me. The past twenty-six finalists have never even featured a kiss. Again, the woman is discarded in favor of the Doritos. I don't see this one happening. That joke trope has always been tired and beneath the Doritos brand.

Kickball Cowboy

This one is nice and bizarre, with some cool wish fulfillment. But I wish the ending was stronger and had a joke. Also, the editing is more fancy than any past finalist. Doritos likes their storytelling nice and simple, with the illusion any consumer could have made it.

Doritos Peacekeeper

I have no idea how this one made it in. Nothing like any past finalist, and the beeped "fuck" gives it slim to no chance of making the top five. Never had a finalist with even a hint of mouthed swearing, let alone an actual bleep.

*Valet
Cute but not fresh or funny enough. Always happy to see another non-white lead actor. Is it the only semi-finalist that chose rap music?

*Amish Paradise
There are always dozens of hateful entries every year about trading in your female significant other for a younger hotter model. This is the first time that story trope has been rewarded by Doritos, and it's another huge disappointment. Add on to it they're slagging a noble religion based on values that don't include objectifying women, and the "Amish! They're sexist just like us!" premise becomes even more offensive and unfunny.


The big question:

Is Doritos consciously changing their brand to be like all the other Super Bowl ads? That makes no sense, since they always won the Nielson and Ad Meter ratings, and stood out precisely because they were different?!

We Saw Your Hate

Jokes are an important tool of those in power for reinforcing the status quo. The Oscar telecast was viewed by 1 billion people around the world, and the complete disrespect of anyone who wasn't a straight white male MATTERS. It showed the world Hollywood is in control of its women, people of color, gays, and other nationalities. It said "You don't belong and aren't welcome." When naive online commenters say the Oscar telecast doesn't matter or that feminists are taking the jokes out of context, they are lacking the context of daily life for industry women and minorities in Hollywood...and the fact that Hollywood's largest export is its view of the world. 

What is extra infuriating about this telecast is that three months ago Kathryn Bigelow was a shoe-in for another directing nomination and her movie was the front runner for Best Picture. "They" run a public campaign against ZERO DARK THIRTY for its torture portrayals, and a private campaign in Hollywood Oscar Screenings spreading the rumor that Bigelow wasn't capable of directing the film and her younger boyfriend screenwriter Mark Boal had to take over onset because he was the brains and talent. Next thing you know, we have the most sexist telecast I've seen in twenty-five years of watching the Oscars, and Kathryn Bigelow is erased from it. Did you see a red carpet interview with her? A close-up during the 3 1/2 hour telecast? Any mention of her or her 2013 directing nomination snub? As a woman working in Hollywood, I can tell you that all of my fellow female friends got the message loud and clear: "One win was enough, little ladies. Now lay down and squeal like a pig or you're a poor sport who will get even less next time. And DON'T GET FAT."

Do you love movies?

Then this post is for you.

Hollywood Reporter's Uncensored Directors Interview. These are the guys they're banking on to be Academy Award nominees. Yes, just guys.  :(

If you know me well in real life, you might be getting one of these in the coming weeks: Popcorn Christmas Ornaments

Hollyweird

No matter what they say, truly almost all of them have had one: 10 Great Celebrity Nose Jobs

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults

As one does... Keisha Says She Had Sex With a Ghost

The Claire Danes Cryface Project

Je t'aime HOMELAND, so

this clever Pinterest site made my day.

And for my friend who missed it, here is SNL's brilliant parody:

NEW GIRL spec - first five pages

NEW GIRL is the number one new show for 18-34 year olds, and I absolutely adore it. The series has great heart, unconditionally loves its socially retarded characters, and has the lofty goal of gently teaching tolerance lessons as it demonstrates partnership between men and women. I'm thrilled to hear it has won the hearts of many teen girls who have adopted the Jess lead character as a role model.

I've watched all 21 episodes at least three times, and studied the crap out of Zooey, show creator Liz Merriwether, and their Paley panel. I think this spec is the funniest thing I've ever written.  So far I've received great feedback from working screenwriters I trust. I made the three storylines topics I really care about: woman on woman violence, the vintage fur debate, and the hilarious narcissism of fashion/lifestyle bloggers. As per my writing signature, this spec is funny, emotionally raw, informative, and has something to say.

I'm adding this NEW GIRL spec to my portfolio: feature action/thriller PISTOLERAS (Winner of Creative Screenwriting Magazine's Best Thriller Award); my filmmaking resume (Associate Producer of Indie Spirit Winner CONVENTIONEERS, writer/director/producer of THE COMMUNE, first ultra-low budget female filmmaker invited to The Masters of Horror dinners); and a new comedy pilot script based on my feature THE COMMUNE that will be ready to read by the end of May 2012. Fingers crossed this portfolio will do the trick for getting an agent and going out for staffing season. If you want to help, providing a referral to your agent/manager would save me mucho stress! 

You can see this version of the script performed live Sunday night at 8:30pm at the famous iO West in Hollywood. Here is the preview of my current first five pages which will be revised Monday after the reading. What do you think?


NEW GIRL
EP #21.5: "Female"
Written by Elisabeth Fies

ACT ONE

INT. LOFT. DAY.

NICK’S LATEST ONE NIGHT STAND sneaks out the door, running into WINSTON waving the morning mail.

WINSTON
I got my test results!

The girl grimaces and cuts him a wide birth.

WINSTON (CONT’D)
Not that kind of test--

REVEAL NICK AND JESS on the couch, eating cereal.

NICK
Cool. Now I don’t have to call her.

Winston stares at his test results envelope, frozen.

JESS
Standardized tests can’t measure the real you. It’s not about what’s here...
(pointing to her brain)
...but what’s in here.
Jess grabs her heart. SCHMIDT runs in like a human labrador.

SCHMIDT
(pointing to his crotch)
--Or what’s in here! Boom!

JESS
Besides, we really needs substitute teachers.

WINSTON
That’s what’s so horrible. If I’m not better than those people--

INT. GARFIELD ELEMENTARY. CLASSROOM. FLASHBACK.
Winston finishes and triumphantly slams his pencil down.

WINSTON
First!

REVEAL his competition: like Mos Eisley Cantina rejects. Winston reinforces his pencil marks on the Scantron form.

BACK TO PRESENT:

WINSTON (CONT’D)
That room smelled like fear. Sweat. And Maker’s Mark.

JESS
Fancy. In Oregon subs can only afford Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Winston tears open the envelope.

JESS (CONT’D)
Oh my god. Winston, you scored 99%!
Winston “Cruises” on the couch, the afghan flying. Nick mimics him with a surprisingly sexy lack of skill.

SCHMIDT
(joining in)
And 5, 6, 7, 8!
--And they start the routine from the New Girl music video.

SMASH TO MAIN TITLES.

INT. LOFT. CONTINUOUS.

CECE walks into the kitchen carrying a ritzy coat bag.

CECE
What’s going on?

JESS
Winston passed the C-Best.
(in Cagney voice)
Say, what do we have here, see?

Cece pulls out a vintage floor length mink coat.

JESS (CONT’D)
Yowza.

CECE
(touching the stitching)

It was Nanna’s. Her name’s sewn in.

JESS
I wonder how many animals died to make this fur coat.

CECE
I wonder how many animals she had to sleep with to get this fur coat.
(then)
I want to wear it.

JESS
(judgy)
Cece. You should hide it in your closet- Or get rid of it- before someone throws paint on you.

CECE
That’s crazy. Nobody throws paint in this century. Glitter bombs maybe, and I look fabulous in glitter.
(then)
Besides, the animal died fifty years ago. I don’t understand how hiding it in my closet or dumping it in the landfill honors its memory more than me proudly wearing it.
(petting the fur)
I remember being a little girl and hugging Nanna in it. Wearing it makes me feel close to her still.

JESS
Awww... put it on.
Cece dips her arms in. Nuzzles her nose and inhales.

CECE
Nanna.

JESS
You should do what makes you happy.

CECE
You’ll still be seen with me?

JESS
Always!

CECE
Cool. Be my Plus One for this red carpet charity event I’m working.

JESS
Proudly.
(then)
Can I wear my flannel?

Schmidt lopes up and throws a casual arm around Cece.

SCHMIDT
Sweet coat. Red mink, N’est ce pas?

CECE
You’re such a chick.

SCHMIDT
Give me a snap of it for “Cardi’s and Chutney”.

CECE
No, Schmidt. I told you I’m not going to be on your lifestyle blog.

SCHMIDT
Emily, Kimberley, and all the fashion blogging gang will love it! Having a real model will skyrocket my hits. I won’t tell anyone you’re my Pillow Pal- My Toe Tickler- My Indian Samosa of Sexy Time-

CECE
Jess, The limo will be here at 7.

Cece leaves. Schmidt thrusts a camera into Jess’ hands.

SCHMIDT
Snap today’s outfit. My new Espadrilles are right on trend.

Jess takes a few photos as Schmidt poses.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)
Now a close up of the Espadrilles.

JESS
I have a thing about men’s feet...

SCHMIDT
Come on, Jess! Snap my ‘drilles!

JESS
(clicking without looking)
All set.

Winston shakes his head disapprovingly at Schmidt.

SCHMIDT
My blog is douche-jar exempt. It’s the anti-douche.

WINSTON
(gives Schmidt a “whatever look. Then:)
Jess, I’m not the type to wait for the school to call me in. I want to introduce myself to Tanya now.

JESS
Ohhh I think she remembers you.

INT. SCHMIDT’S PARTY BUS. NIGHT. FLASHBACK.

TANYA LAMONTAGNE, Jess party-hungry Vice Principal, slaps Winston’s ass and shoves dollar bills down his jeans.

WINSTON
Lady, the stripper is over there!

Points to MARTIN FULLER, the straight middle-aged man sadly dancing for other dudes. Tanya slaps Winston ass again.

TANYA
Nah. Shake it, black thunder!

BACK TO LOFT:
Winston grabs his briefcase. Clips on a tie.

WINSTON
That’s why I’m reintroducing myself as Business Winston.

JESS
I’m leaving if you want a ride.
(hands Schmidt his camera back as if it’s infected)
Uggh.

Winston and Jess leave. Schmidt reviews Jess' photos.

SCHMIDT
Amateur. Light is all wrong. You can’t see the texture of my V-neck.

NICK
Nobody cares what you’re wearing.

Schmidt flips open the laptop on the coffee table to pull up his blog.

SCHMIDT
Wrong! Cotton is the fabric of our lives.

There's a NEW GIRL in town...

I've finished my fourth draft of my spec screenplay of FOX's hit sitcom NEW GIRL, starring The Zooey Deschanel. I'm super proud of it. It's the funniest thing I've ever written, and it's a very personal story about women judging each other and committing women on women violence.

I'll be having a live reading of it this Sunday April 22nd at 8:30pm at the world famous iO West Theatre in Hollywood. The fun, food, and funny are FREE!

Please join me if you can - I need to get your feedback on making it the best script possible to send out to agents to go out for staffing season.

Miracle Mile

I'm off to go have dinner with one of my best friends, a filmmaker hero of mine, and someone new I'm stoked to meet who made some of my favorite TV shows as a kid. And I'm late, as always. Sigh.

Afterwards we're going to one of my favorite theatres to celebrate the career of Steve DeJarnatt. Here's an old blog post on why I want you to rent Miracle Mile (and Cherry 2000...if the title appeals to you, you're the right audience for it):

Connections

Sometime soon I'll tell you one of the most humiliating things that's ever happened to me. It involves two of the people above, my feces, and a broken camera.

To blog or not to blog

I started this blog February 4th, 2005 when my awesome Mom started hers. She wrote poetically about her daily struggles recovering from cancer, and I wrote about blundering through caregiving, dating, film school, and my own recovery post head injury from a car accident with a drunk driver in 1995. 

You'll notice there are years of daily posts here. Then an attempt at being less confessional. Then a reincarnation as a lifestyle blog that points out impersonal trinkets. Followed by a sprawling capitalist mess shilling for you and the bizarro world of horror-lovers to view my poor misunderstood feature film that very few people grok. Outside of 70s-cinema lovin' Hollywood intellectual bohemians, the actual Masters of Horror, and some really nice fundamental Christians (When I go niche, I go DEEP NICHE baby. Oh wait, you're NOT supposed to go that niche? You're supposed to find 1000 True Fans, not 100 True Fans? Well fuck me with a chainsaw!).

No no, I swear I'm not doing one of those narcissistic posts where I say I'm never going to blog again as a Tinkerbell clap trap to make you all dance like monkeys to bring me back to life (Though *if* I were a Narcissist (which Dr. Olcese says I can't be since I'm capable of asking that question), you all know I came by it naturally through half my designer genes, n'est-ce pas?).

See??? THAT is why I need to start blogging again. The above paragraphs? CRAPTASTIC writing. I was the most productive and gooder at ze ol' clackety ckack when I was putting in my WGA-prescribed Stream of Consciousness Hour a Day right here at my stupid lil blog. And that discipline naturally overflowed into writing the (unproduced) feature screenplay PISTOLERAS that I still think could save thousands of kids from sex slavery. So that cause and effect alone is cause enough to pause and think deep thoughts with Jack Handey on a daily basis.

But the negatives are like whoa. Violent soul-ripping out of your body junk. Some of it from innocuous stuff that exposes your friends' neuroses. Some of it so deserved that I'll be coming back reincarnated as a snail next life (the first year of true confessional blogging has a steep learning curve that will cost you family members and lifetime friends).

Dealing with feeling the petty envy of watching blogging friends get book deals and paying jobs and Hollywood careers and big blog audiences that financially sustained them. Getting to a Taoist point of not caring about not having that and just focusing on the joy of creating. Wondering then if I'm talking to myself, why exactly am I bothering? The tree is still falling. For whom am I recording the fall? Alien ancestors? And why did I have so many pictures of myself up on my own blog? Ewwww. How desperate am I? You guys are right. I hate me, too.

Getting a readership and having that first high of validation and communication with peers. The fall when they turned. Followed by driving most of the readers away when the snarky wannabe screenwriters kept attacking the underdog, exhausted caregivers. Zeus I can't abide bullies.

Then there's the really evil stuff. My close friends would snort at me typing "I try to focus on the positive", but unfortunately guess what? When you open up a vein and publish your fucking diary on the web, your close friends aren't the ones who come daily to lap up the blood. Nope. It's the two stalkers with autoerotomania escalating towards violence. That cunt hiding behind the mask of feminism who actually has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and IS going to die alone and broke.

Meeting heroes in the film industry as colleagues and learning they really think women are only good for putting their dicks in. Not finding a place as a writer in the boys club of the comic world. Losing boyfriends by not writing or writing about them.

Or the biggest kick in the gut: discovering the pervasive Female on Female Violence that is the real reason women don't have equality in Hollywood, and by extension the world. My close friends REALLY want me to make a documentary about my interesting thoughts about mean girls and the Cavewoman inside us all and how we're the problem not the solution. To which I say, fuck you, YOU go make a documentary. I want to get PAID to do the Wild Thing. Grumble. I've got at least $250,000 I've invested in this hobby over the past 25 years. It would be nice to get ONE PAYCHECK. Just one. So my dead grandparents can stop thinking I'm an indulgent asshat.

Have I told you about how I stopped looking at the search words for how strangers found my blog because it made me want to throw up my spirit? Or how friends of mine have had their photos downloaded, then uploaded to the internet with cum on them? Or how my attempt to raise money for my lead actresses' prosthetic hand after a horrible accident turned into thousands of perverts coming HERE to jack off, then stealing her photos and posting them to a porn fetish website? I tried to buy her a hand and I broke her heart.

Like, what can I ever do to make up for any of that? Or forget it? And this is the nonpersonal stuff that's been going on in my life, not even getting into the "how'd I get so old and fat and yeah, I'm really really old and why am I still attracted to twenty-five year olds what's wrong with me" bullshit. No, this is the stuff I brought upon myself by trying to make a difference.

So yeah, I've been in a man-cave minus the man. There's definitely a feeling of "If I never TAKE a step, then I have a small carbon footprint...right??? It's not my childhood ambition of Avengers Assembling to save the world, but it also means I can't accidentally be on the VILLAINS' side, right??? I'm not fucking ULTRON'S pawn, at least. Right, universe? Hello? Universe, are you there...?

I didn't know what to do. So I threw down the gauntlet last week. I yelled at my mom. I'm not proud. The natural course of losing your way spiritually means I haven't been feeling her or talking to her. Ruminating on all the ways I could have been a better daughter. So last Friday I gave her the ol' "HEY. I know you're there. Why aren't you DOING anything? And what the fuck am I supposed to be doing, because I'm so far below the poverty line hitting it is my vision board GOAL for the year. And I don't know what the hell I'M supposed to be doing, and I think the universe is screaming give up and go live in the desert away from humans and stream Netflix movies all day. (Which is ALSO now evil and corporate; What The FUCK, Netflix??? Where's your indie street cred NOW, after you've singlehandedly brought down the film industry???).

So Barbara...Bitch TELL ME SOMETHING!" And she did. I got a Big Fishie. A big juicy undeniable one that involved my sister, my gradeschool best friend Jen, and some closeted activist Deep Throat old school Hollywood insiders. Barbara laid this Fishie in deep. There's personal nods going back twenty-seven years ago with Jen, twenty years ago with Brenda, and twelve years ago with Mom. A trio of ladies I couldn't love more, all of whom share a deep passion for the underdog. Each one of whom I shared memorable affinity moments with while watching the amazing film work by one person. A Hollywood figurehead who is the Fishie and may or may not have even been the fishmonger with the help of his awesome fishwife. Doesn't actually matter if I ever know how it went down or who delivered the fishie. I know there's someone out there trying to do good in this fucked up world who thinks I'm doing some good work and found me and my family because of this blog.

That is good enough for me. I got the message. "BLOG, BITCH." As you wish, mom.

Oh mom? I got your other message, too. The one that meant "Don't accept yesterday's high bid even though it could buy you groceries. You're keeping your last piece of Avengers art."

Vi veri universum vivus vici

Watching my favorite blogger Enty at Crazy Days and Nights and his Hollywood Justice League expose some horrible Hollywood pedophiles under the laws of celebrity gossip. It will be interesting to see how this chess match goes down. Soooo proud of those involved in bringing these crimes to light.

We are all V.

Bzzzline.com interviews Drew Daywalt and Marichelle Daywalt at BleedFest

Bzzzline.com comes through for BleedFest Film Festival Group filmmakers yet again with this wonderful article on BleedFest Award Winners Drew Daywalt (April 2011 Partnership Award)and Marichelle Daywalt (MOCKINGBIRD, THE MANY DOORS OF ALBERT WHALE).

Great interviews with the unstoppable husband/wife team on our red carpet, and it's all just in time to celebrate Drew's amazing directorial debut on MTV comedy-horror series sensation DEATH VALLEY!

Thanks so much Alisha Rayne and Bzzzline Team! We love you and all you do for our Bleeders! Congrats Daywalts!

A Must-Read by a Female TV Writer

Amazing, important post about the realities of sexism in Hollywood by a woman who lived it firsthand while making history.

Dire stats show terrible truth behind women on/making TV

I'm constantly trying to convince women outside of Hollywood or looking to break into Hollywood how difficult it is and how the numbers are going backwards. Here's proof: "Women Lose Ground as TV Writers"

Seriously, don't move to L.A. Stay where you are and make media there. If you're in a different country, odds are fantastic you'll get government funding. And even if you live in what you think is a backwards town in the U.S., I promise you it's less sexist and sleazy than Hollywood. You don't need Hollywood anymore to make and distribute your voice. Don't believe the B.S. tinseltown dream of getting famous or making riches...barely anyone here even makes a living. If you're in it for the right reason of expressing yourself, nothing can stop you...IF you stay where you a re and stop asking Hollywood for acceptance and permission.

Another douchey contest to rip off screenwriters

I didn't say it. Reading between the lines of Script Mag's review of the new Amazon Studios contest. I would NOT submit my material to it.