The Claire Danes Cryface Project

Je t'aime HOMELAND, so

this clever Pinterest site made my day.

And for my friend who missed it, here is SNL's brilliant parody:

NEW GIRL spec - first five pages

NEW GIRL is the number one new show for 18-34 year olds, and I absolutely adore it. The series has great heart, unconditionally loves its socially retarded characters, and has the lofty goal of gently teaching tolerance lessons as it demonstrates partnership between men and women. I'm thrilled to hear it has won the hearts of many teen girls who have adopted the Jess lead character as a role model.

I've watched all 21 episodes at least three times, and studied the crap out of Zooey, show creator Liz Merriwether, and their Paley panel. I think this spec is the funniest thing I've ever written.  So far I've received great feedback from working screenwriters I trust. I made the three storylines topics I really care about: woman on woman violence, the vintage fur debate, and the hilarious narcissism of fashion/lifestyle bloggers. As per my writing signature, this spec is funny, emotionally raw, informative, and has something to say.

I'm adding this NEW GIRL spec to my portfolio: feature action/thriller PISTOLERAS (Winner of Creative Screenwriting Magazine's Best Thriller Award); my filmmaking resume (Associate Producer of Indie Spirit Winner CONVENTIONEERS, writer/director/producer of THE COMMUNE, first ultra-low budget female filmmaker invited to The Masters of Horror dinners); and a new comedy pilot script based on my feature THE COMMUNE that will be ready to read by the end of May 2012. Fingers crossed this portfolio will do the trick for getting an agent and going out for staffing season. If you want to help, providing a referral to your agent/manager would save me mucho stress! 

You can see this version of the script performed live Sunday night at 8:30pm at the famous iO West in Hollywood. Here is the preview of my current first five pages which will be revised Monday after the reading. What do you think?


NEW GIRL
EP #21.5: "Female"
Written by Elisabeth Fies

ACT ONE

INT. LOFT. DAY.

NICK’S LATEST ONE NIGHT STAND sneaks out the door, running into WINSTON waving the morning mail.

WINSTON
I got my test results!

The girl grimaces and cuts him a wide birth.

WINSTON (CONT’D)
Not that kind of test--

REVEAL NICK AND JESS on the couch, eating cereal.

NICK
Cool. Now I don’t have to call her.

Winston stares at his test results envelope, frozen.

JESS
Standardized tests can’t measure the real you. It’s not about what’s here...
(pointing to her brain)
...but what’s in here.
Jess grabs her heart. SCHMIDT runs in like a human labrador.

SCHMIDT
(pointing to his crotch)
--Or what’s in here! Boom!

JESS
Besides, we really needs substitute teachers.

WINSTON
That’s what’s so horrible. If I’m not better than those people--

INT. GARFIELD ELEMENTARY. CLASSROOM. FLASHBACK.
Winston finishes and triumphantly slams his pencil down.

WINSTON
First!

REVEAL his competition: like Mos Eisley Cantina rejects. Winston reinforces his pencil marks on the Scantron form.

BACK TO PRESENT:

WINSTON (CONT’D)
That room smelled like fear. Sweat. And Maker’s Mark.

JESS
Fancy. In Oregon subs can only afford Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Winston tears open the envelope.

JESS (CONT’D)
Oh my god. Winston, you scored 99%!
Winston “Cruises” on the couch, the afghan flying. Nick mimics him with a surprisingly sexy lack of skill.

SCHMIDT
(joining in)
And 5, 6, 7, 8!
--And they start the routine from the New Girl music video.

SMASH TO MAIN TITLES.

INT. LOFT. CONTINUOUS.

CECE walks into the kitchen carrying a ritzy coat bag.

CECE
What’s going on?

JESS
Winston passed the C-Best.
(in Cagney voice)
Say, what do we have here, see?

Cece pulls out a vintage floor length mink coat.

JESS (CONT’D)
Yowza.

CECE
(touching the stitching)

It was Nanna’s. Her name’s sewn in.

JESS
I wonder how many animals died to make this fur coat.

CECE
I wonder how many animals she had to sleep with to get this fur coat.
(then)
I want to wear it.

JESS
(judgy)
Cece. You should hide it in your closet- Or get rid of it- before someone throws paint on you.

CECE
That’s crazy. Nobody throws paint in this century. Glitter bombs maybe, and I look fabulous in glitter.
(then)
Besides, the animal died fifty years ago. I don’t understand how hiding it in my closet or dumping it in the landfill honors its memory more than me proudly wearing it.
(petting the fur)
I remember being a little girl and hugging Nanna in it. Wearing it makes me feel close to her still.

JESS
Awww... put it on.
Cece dips her arms in. Nuzzles her nose and inhales.

CECE
Nanna.

JESS
You should do what makes you happy.

CECE
You’ll still be seen with me?

JESS
Always!

CECE
Cool. Be my Plus One for this red carpet charity event I’m working.

JESS
Proudly.
(then)
Can I wear my flannel?

Schmidt lopes up and throws a casual arm around Cece.

SCHMIDT
Sweet coat. Red mink, N’est ce pas?

CECE
You’re such a chick.

SCHMIDT
Give me a snap of it for “Cardi’s and Chutney”.

CECE
No, Schmidt. I told you I’m not going to be on your lifestyle blog.

SCHMIDT
Emily, Kimberley, and all the fashion blogging gang will love it! Having a real model will skyrocket my hits. I won’t tell anyone you’re my Pillow Pal- My Toe Tickler- My Indian Samosa of Sexy Time-

CECE
Jess, The limo will be here at 7.

Cece leaves. Schmidt thrusts a camera into Jess’ hands.

SCHMIDT
Snap today’s outfit. My new Espadrilles are right on trend.

Jess takes a few photos as Schmidt poses.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)
Now a close up of the Espadrilles.

JESS
I have a thing about men’s feet...

SCHMIDT
Come on, Jess! Snap my ‘drilles!

JESS
(clicking without looking)
All set.

Winston shakes his head disapprovingly at Schmidt.

SCHMIDT
My blog is douche-jar exempt. It’s the anti-douche.

WINSTON
(gives Schmidt a “whatever look. Then:)
Jess, I’m not the type to wait for the school to call me in. I want to introduce myself to Tanya now.

JESS
Ohhh I think she remembers you.

INT. SCHMIDT’S PARTY BUS. NIGHT. FLASHBACK.

TANYA LAMONTAGNE, Jess party-hungry Vice Principal, slaps Winston’s ass and shoves dollar bills down his jeans.

WINSTON
Lady, the stripper is over there!

Points to MARTIN FULLER, the straight middle-aged man sadly dancing for other dudes. Tanya slaps Winston ass again.

TANYA
Nah. Shake it, black thunder!

BACK TO LOFT:
Winston grabs his briefcase. Clips on a tie.

WINSTON
That’s why I’m reintroducing myself as Business Winston.

JESS
I’m leaving if you want a ride.
(hands Schmidt his camera back as if it’s infected)
Uggh.

Winston and Jess leave. Schmidt reviews Jess' photos.

SCHMIDT
Amateur. Light is all wrong. You can’t see the texture of my V-neck.

NICK
Nobody cares what you’re wearing.

Schmidt flips open the laptop on the coffee table to pull up his blog.

SCHMIDT
Wrong! Cotton is the fabric of our lives.

There's a NEW GIRL in town...

I've finished my fourth draft of my spec screenplay of FOX's hit sitcom NEW GIRL, starring The Zooey Deschanel. I'm super proud of it. It's the funniest thing I've ever written, and it's a very personal story about women judging each other and committing women on women violence.

I'll be having a live reading of it this Sunday April 22nd at 8:30pm at the world famous iO West Theatre in Hollywood. The fun, food, and funny are FREE!

Please join me if you can - I need to get your feedback on making it the best script possible to send out to agents to go out for staffing season.

My daily shot of terror

My Google Alerts, more often then not, are filled with bad news. Here's one I got today. Nothing like being quoted out of context...in another language...of a highly sexualized yet repressed partriarchal society.

Elisabeth Fies (kidsis)님의 트위터
트위터메뉴. 홈 · 검색 · 동네 · 사람찾기 · 도구 · 도움말 · 로그인. kidsis. Elisabeth Fies. 내글들. Peppy little spooge vacuum. Better Off Ted uncensored. ...

That WAS a really funny link to an uncensored bit from TV show Better Off Ted. Sigh. Now it's an advertisement for me to be a mail order bride.

The Cheesiest movie lines

That's my friend Carlos Carrasco at 5:09. Blood In, Blood Out baby! He's in Pistoleras...

Your LIS FIES ACTION HERO

So lifelike...

Twin Peaks 12 Days of Christmas

The Next Greatest Thing to watching the show itself (my favorite anything of all time).

Social Media 2.0 Faux Pas

I've committed some doozies in the last five years of blogging for y'all. But it would appear my most egregious error was committed today, on the deceptively innocuous Facebook.

I was in the comments feed, which have been updated to a stream to more closely resemble Twitter. A diabolical layout, it turns out.

Thought I was on my buddy, longtime Kid Sis reader and fellow screenwriting funny person Josh Greenberg's feed. He left a disgusting update joke about Miggs in Silence of the Lambs throwing snot at Clarice...

But see it turns out, hahaha, and THIS is where things get funny, kids...I WASN'T leaving follow up jokes under Josh's disgusting comment.


So how things looked:

JOSH:

"In Silence of the Lambs, isn't it gross when Miggs throws his snot at Clarice? I can't think of anything more disgusting than throwing snot."

After a friend coincidentally named Liz told him that wasn't snot, volley-eth JOSH:

"that doesn't make any sense - if it's such a maximum security prison, then why would Dr. Chilton let Miggs play with Silly Putty?"

Then I wittily piped in with
LIS FIES:

"I wish someone would explain to me why men have so much more snot than women, and how it keeps ending up on my breasts. Seems like every man I date always has a cold. And I thought gentleman carried monogrammed hankies! I should write Miss Manners..."

And sat back and waited for the hilarity to ensue.

Only it didn't. Twenty minutes later, miffed Josh hadn't responded in kind, I went back to the comments feed page and found my comment WASN'T THERE under Josh's. Que?

So I wrote an equally disgusting follow up accusing him of deleting my previous post (which I've now deduced isn't actually possible to do on Facebook) and telling him that Freud was right, all women really wanted their own free silly putty dispenser like men had. To rub on their breasts.

Ten minutes later, impatient for my volley to be returned, I GO to Josh's homepage. Nothing! Wow, what an ahole! How DARE he delete me???

Somehow by the grace of Zeus, I go looking through the Friendfeed comments again. And find my comments have indeed posted. To the Facebook friend Directly. Underneath. Josh.

This MAY be one of the more effed up things I've ever done.

Let me set the scene, Gentle Reader.

Imagine, if you will, you're an innocent revered acting coach in her fifties who has posted this encouragement to your clients/readers:

DALLAS TRAVERS:

We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. -Charles Swindoll

And underneath it apropos of nothing appears:
LIS FIES:

"I wish someone would explain to me why men have so much more snot than women, and how it keeps ending up on my breasts. Seems like every man I date always has a cold. And I thought gentleman carried monogrammed hankies! I should write Miss Manners..."

And then a follow up accusing her of deleting my previous funny post that mentions silly putty and Freud and my 36D breasts.

OOPS.


Juuuust waiting for the esteemed Ms. Dallas Travers to do what she must, and delete me from her Facebook friends.

Though Dallas DOES say on her info page that she believes in "fun and fulfillment," so maybe my faux pas will just eek by with the proper apology. Apologizing is exhausting. Imagine how Tiger Woods feels!

(Though, in my defense, Dallas DID have three "likes" from her readers...one of them MIGHT have been for me, The Innapropriate Poster (soon to be a Ten Till One sketch on Saturday Night Live))

I blame you, Josh Greenberg.

Okay, so...Not really ladylike behavior on my part. I can take responsibility for my fallout. See, I thought comedian Steve Harvey's love advice to women on Oprah was to Act like a Man and Think Like a Woman. Guess it was Act like a woman...

But what's funny about being ladylike? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Chelsea Handler isn't classy & she's dating head honcho at E. Maybe I should keep being myself: lewd, swearmonkey, Inapropriate Poster.

Oddly, this whole apologue translated perfectly in the 140 character world of Twitter. Here's what some of my Twitter virtual friends said:

@djallg00d @kidsis LOL she'll forgive you cuz it's friday and you're hilarious

@JoshGorfain @kidsis I wouldn't ask for anything different!

@Hello_Kuma @kidsis I love you to pieces for all those reasons.

@lovelylynda @kidsis You can delete your comment. :)

Lynda's an oooold Blogger friend from the beginning whom I finally met in person this last summer in our hometown Santa Rosa. But the other gentlemen don't know me and have no reason to be nice just cuz...so maybe I'm still doing okay as me.

What say ye, Blogger world?

-Lis "classy and chic like Coco Chanel" Fies


RETRO BLOGGER WAY BACK MACHINE: Oh, and what was I posting about almost exactly a year ago? Another hi-larious Larry David's Sister moment. Worth reading. Happy effin' Holidays.

Turkey Day Horror Stories

To make you extra grateful.

I'm thankful for caller ID.


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20 Male Poses of Facebook

An instant classic. Sooo funny. I hope she takes on Match.com next.


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Holiday Gift Guide

For rich partners with communication issues. NSFW


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Insomnia, 90s style

Probably haven't seen an X-Files episode in 3 years, but in 3 seconds passing SyFy I can identify episode year & title.

Firewalker season 2.

On the plus side, my brain cells previously used to store crucial ST:TNG episode data have all been overwritten with healthcare facts.

Just typing the assinine moniker "SyFy" bumped me from a 3 to a 5 on the Kinsey scale. Hold on lesbians, I'm almost there!!

Actual Match.com message

"Hello georgeous,
Impressing is what i describe your captivating profile as a near perfect description of what i desire in a woman,I mean what any man would seek for in a woman..."


So here I'm thinking, "spelling and grammar of a serial killer...but how did he know my childhood nickname was George? Maybe he's a Russian spy?"


"...Well i am a native of American,Borne in American and Raised in the states..."

I'm feeling this statement is like starting off with "To tell the truth,..." Like if it's the truth, why do you have to POINT OUT that it's the truth??

"I will like you to get back to me and lets know each other very well..You can also IM me on yahoo messenger...I will love to read from you,my love to be..."

More establishing of false intimacy, lack of details indicating it's a form letter he's mass emailing, aand no picture = Fail.

Analysis:

This Nigerian guy totally wants my social security number.

SOCIAL MEDIA: unlocking the awesome potential of personality disorders

Oh look, my second fav Venn diagram. Via LA Fishbowl.

Someone videotaped my Q & A!!!

Here I am at 2 am in the Sunset Laemmle 5!

Ellen Degeneres commencement speech

It's that time of year again, and Ellen has outdone every speaker everywhere. A gorgeous must see via Fishbowl LA.

Things that don't go together...

Discovered this jewelry-maker slash poet of feathers and words...

...with the seller moniker Mountainman...

who uses whimsical titles and beautiful language to describe his gorgeous one-of-a-kind creations...

but his photo looks like the Unibomber...

yet he is totally sensitive to what women want in earrings, and even adds incredibly thoughtful touches like allowing you to upgrade to gold or silver for those of us with sensitive ears.

Either this man is the reincarnation of Don Juan and he's wasting his skills alone in the mountains...

Or he has an oubliette where he instructs women to lotion up and try on his creations for them as he dances around with his pencil dick betwixt his legs.


Either way, I'm buying those Go Fly a Kite earrings for my world premiere. Don't you buy them first bitches, or i will cut you!



Don't make the mistake of thinking I don't have an oubliette, just because I'm renting in the valley.

I love Richard Lawson

I could read his genius surrealist recaps of trash TV all. Night. Long.

And often do.

Ah, whimsy. Take me away, Calgon and Richard!

Human Giant

More free silliness.

Amazing Fellatio

Did you know that if you google "Amazing Fellatio" I am result number 30? In the world?

I mean, it's true. Obviously. Look at my smile!

But I don't need the word out there. I've already got stalker exes.