NEW GIRL spec - first five pages

NEW GIRL is the number one new show for 18-34 year olds, and I absolutely adore it. The series has great heart, unconditionally loves its socially retarded characters, and has the lofty goal of gently teaching tolerance lessons as it demonstrates partnership between men and women. I'm thrilled to hear it has won the hearts of many teen girls who have adopted the Jess lead character as a role model.

I've watched all 21 episodes at least three times, and studied the crap out of Zooey, show creator Liz Merriwether, and their Paley panel. I think this spec is the funniest thing I've ever written.  So far I've received great feedback from working screenwriters I trust. I made the three storylines topics I really care about: woman on woman violence, the vintage fur debate, and the hilarious narcissism of fashion/lifestyle bloggers. As per my writing signature, this spec is funny, emotionally raw, informative, and has something to say.

I'm adding this NEW GIRL spec to my portfolio: feature action/thriller PISTOLERAS (Winner of Creative Screenwriting Magazine's Best Thriller Award); my filmmaking resume (Associate Producer of Indie Spirit Winner CONVENTIONEERS, writer/director/producer of THE COMMUNE, first ultra-low budget female filmmaker invited to The Masters of Horror dinners); and a new comedy pilot script based on my feature THE COMMUNE that will be ready to read by the end of May 2012. Fingers crossed this portfolio will do the trick for getting an agent and going out for staffing season. If you want to help, providing a referral to your agent/manager would save me mucho stress! 

You can see this version of the script performed live Sunday night at 8:30pm at the famous iO West in Hollywood. Here is the preview of my current first five pages which will be revised Monday after the reading. What do you think?


NEW GIRL
EP #21.5: "Female"
Written by Elisabeth Fies

ACT ONE

INT. LOFT. DAY.

NICK’S LATEST ONE NIGHT STAND sneaks out the door, running into WINSTON waving the morning mail.

WINSTON
I got my test results!

The girl grimaces and cuts him a wide birth.

WINSTON (CONT’D)
Not that kind of test--

REVEAL NICK AND JESS on the couch, eating cereal.

NICK
Cool. Now I don’t have to call her.

Winston stares at his test results envelope, frozen.

JESS
Standardized tests can’t measure the real you. It’s not about what’s here...
(pointing to her brain)
...but what’s in here.
Jess grabs her heart. SCHMIDT runs in like a human labrador.

SCHMIDT
(pointing to his crotch)
--Or what’s in here! Boom!

JESS
Besides, we really needs substitute teachers.

WINSTON
That’s what’s so horrible. If I’m not better than those people--

INT. GARFIELD ELEMENTARY. CLASSROOM. FLASHBACK.
Winston finishes and triumphantly slams his pencil down.

WINSTON
First!

REVEAL his competition: like Mos Eisley Cantina rejects. Winston reinforces his pencil marks on the Scantron form.

BACK TO PRESENT:

WINSTON (CONT’D)
That room smelled like fear. Sweat. And Maker’s Mark.

JESS
Fancy. In Oregon subs can only afford Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Winston tears open the envelope.

JESS (CONT’D)
Oh my god. Winston, you scored 99%!
Winston “Cruises” on the couch, the afghan flying. Nick mimics him with a surprisingly sexy lack of skill.

SCHMIDT
(joining in)
And 5, 6, 7, 8!
--And they start the routine from the New Girl music video.

SMASH TO MAIN TITLES.

INT. LOFT. CONTINUOUS.

CECE walks into the kitchen carrying a ritzy coat bag.

CECE
What’s going on?

JESS
Winston passed the C-Best.
(in Cagney voice)
Say, what do we have here, see?

Cece pulls out a vintage floor length mink coat.

JESS (CONT’D)
Yowza.

CECE
(touching the stitching)

It was Nanna’s. Her name’s sewn in.

JESS
I wonder how many animals died to make this fur coat.

CECE
I wonder how many animals she had to sleep with to get this fur coat.
(then)
I want to wear it.

JESS
(judgy)
Cece. You should hide it in your closet- Or get rid of it- before someone throws paint on you.

CECE
That’s crazy. Nobody throws paint in this century. Glitter bombs maybe, and I look fabulous in glitter.
(then)
Besides, the animal died fifty years ago. I don’t understand how hiding it in my closet or dumping it in the landfill honors its memory more than me proudly wearing it.
(petting the fur)
I remember being a little girl and hugging Nanna in it. Wearing it makes me feel close to her still.

JESS
Awww... put it on.
Cece dips her arms in. Nuzzles her nose and inhales.

CECE
Nanna.

JESS
You should do what makes you happy.

CECE
You’ll still be seen with me?

JESS
Always!

CECE
Cool. Be my Plus One for this red carpet charity event I’m working.

JESS
Proudly.
(then)
Can I wear my flannel?

Schmidt lopes up and throws a casual arm around Cece.

SCHMIDT
Sweet coat. Red mink, N’est ce pas?

CECE
You’re such a chick.

SCHMIDT
Give me a snap of it for “Cardi’s and Chutney”.

CECE
No, Schmidt. I told you I’m not going to be on your lifestyle blog.

SCHMIDT
Emily, Kimberley, and all the fashion blogging gang will love it! Having a real model will skyrocket my hits. I won’t tell anyone you’re my Pillow Pal- My Toe Tickler- My Indian Samosa of Sexy Time-

CECE
Jess, The limo will be here at 7.

Cece leaves. Schmidt thrusts a camera into Jess’ hands.

SCHMIDT
Snap today’s outfit. My new Espadrilles are right on trend.

Jess takes a few photos as Schmidt poses.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)
Now a close up of the Espadrilles.

JESS
I have a thing about men’s feet...

SCHMIDT
Come on, Jess! Snap my ‘drilles!

JESS
(clicking without looking)
All set.

Winston shakes his head disapprovingly at Schmidt.

SCHMIDT
My blog is douche-jar exempt. It’s the anti-douche.

WINSTON
(gives Schmidt a “whatever look. Then:)
Jess, I’m not the type to wait for the school to call me in. I want to introduce myself to Tanya now.

JESS
Ohhh I think she remembers you.

INT. SCHMIDT’S PARTY BUS. NIGHT. FLASHBACK.

TANYA LAMONTAGNE, Jess party-hungry Vice Principal, slaps Winston’s ass and shoves dollar bills down his jeans.

WINSTON
Lady, the stripper is over there!

Points to MARTIN FULLER, the straight middle-aged man sadly dancing for other dudes. Tanya slaps Winston ass again.

TANYA
Nah. Shake it, black thunder!

BACK TO LOFT:
Winston grabs his briefcase. Clips on a tie.

WINSTON
That’s why I’m reintroducing myself as Business Winston.

JESS
I’m leaving if you want a ride.
(hands Schmidt his camera back as if it’s infected)
Uggh.

Winston and Jess leave. Schmidt reviews Jess' photos.

SCHMIDT
Amateur. Light is all wrong. You can’t see the texture of my V-neck.

NICK
Nobody cares what you’re wearing.

Schmidt flips open the laptop on the coffee table to pull up his blog.

SCHMIDT
Wrong! Cotton is the fabric of our lives.

There's a NEW GIRL in town...

I've finished my fourth draft of my spec screenplay of FOX's hit sitcom NEW GIRL, starring The Zooey Deschanel. I'm super proud of it. It's the funniest thing I've ever written, and it's a very personal story about women judging each other and committing women on women violence.

I'll be having a live reading of it this Sunday April 22nd at 8:30pm at the world famous iO West Theatre in Hollywood. The fun, food, and funny are FREE!

Please join me if you can - I need to get your feedback on making it the best script possible to send out to agents to go out for staffing season.

A Must-Read by a Female TV Writer

Amazing, important post about the realities of sexism in Hollywood by a woman who lived it firsthand while making history.

Dire stats show terrible truth behind women on/making TV

I'm constantly trying to convince women outside of Hollywood or looking to break into Hollywood how difficult it is and how the numbers are going backwards. Here's proof: "Women Lose Ground as TV Writers"

Seriously, don't move to L.A. Stay where you are and make media there. If you're in a different country, odds are fantastic you'll get government funding. And even if you live in what you think is a backwards town in the U.S., I promise you it's less sexist and sleazy than Hollywood. You don't need Hollywood anymore to make and distribute your voice. Don't believe the B.S. tinseltown dream of getting famous or making riches...barely anyone here even makes a living. If you're in it for the right reason of expressing yourself, nothing can stop you...IF you stay where you a re and stop asking Hollywood for acceptance and permission.

Another douchey contest to rip off screenwriters

I didn't say it. Reading between the lines of Script Mag's review of the new Amazon Studios contest. I would NOT submit my material to it.

How do I get someone to read/buy my script/logline/great idea?

I'm often contacted by people outside of LA in other fields who have read some of those pipedream screenwriting books (written by out of work screenwriters) and are now confused as to WHY they can't get anyone in Hollywood to read or buy their script, logline, great idea that only needs to be fleshed out into a screenplay.

This is, of course, the equivalent of me walking into a surgeon's office and asking to scrub in on their next surgery: frustrating, insulting, and people get angry when you take the scalpel out their hand and tell them they haven't done any of the schooling and work they need to be qualified.

I hope the following honest answer helps explain the REALITY of the film industry today so that y'all stop emailing me and my friends. Because dealing with this BS has gotten beyond old.


Dear "New Screenwriter" Working in Another Field Not Even Living in LA,

If you read the trade magazines like Variety and Hollywood Reporter you'll see that A-list screenwriters are not able to sell a script in this economy.

(And if you aren't reading those trades daily you've already failed the first daily chore you need to do to call yourself a "screenwriter".)

Studios are closing, they are all making less pictures, and the people who used to be able to make money in this town are packing up and leaving. It's turned into a game of Survivor out here the last two years since the Writer's Strike and the recession.

Nothing is better in LA than it is in the rest of the country. And it's certainly WORSE than whatever chosen career you are currently practicing, but trying to escape through writing.

I can't name one person I know who knows someone who has sold ANYTHING in over two years. We are not getting read or getting meetings either, and our agents and managers are dropping us.

These are friends, classmates and former co-workers of mine with Academy awards and Emmys, a rolodex of contacts, several film school degrees. We have all joined the union, paid off 50-100k of film school student loans, and put in our fifteen to twenty years of Hollywood shit work "paying our dues". We've all also actually committed to living in expensive and soul-sucking LA; often at the expense of having a normal life with marriage and kids.

We are all astronomically more deserving of being read than YOU.

And all of us are going bankrupt.

I would suggest putting your screenplay in a drawer and waiting out the economy several more years like ALL OF US living in LA.

Or make your movie yourself where you are. There are many websites and books out there that can steer you towards how to raise the money and produce and distribute it yourself! But be warned...you will lose your life savings and possibly your marriage. Just like the rest of us.

And for gods' sake, STOP buying screenwriting books, going to bogus expos, pitch sessions, and entering screenplay contests. When there is that much information and "opportunity" out there to join the Gold Rush, it's because THERE'S NO GOLD LEFT.

Entrepreneurs got rich selling shovels to prospectors. THE METAPHOR IS APT.

And if you don't like my advice and think I made it all up to spite your dream and your vision board...Go pay an out of work screenwriter-turned guru script consultant a lot of money to blow smoke up your ass. You'll find hundreds desperate to do it because it's how they afford their apartment rent and late-model Hundai payment. Or just check the Writer's Guild stats and see for yourself that the average screenwriter makes less money annually than a manager at McDonald's.

If you love writing more than your current job and know in your heart it's your calling and it's easy to get paid for it...Might I suggest the flourishing career of journalism? I hear they're opening fancy newspapers every day and lobbing Pulitzers at anyone. The NY publishing industry too, if you have a great novel inside you. The best place to find a Full-time Writer to ask for career advice is at the unemployment office.

Good luck,

Elisabeth

P.S.

Oh, but it's different advice in one case: if you're downloading movies and books for free off the internet. In that case, great ideas and first drafts are all Hollywood is looking for! Sell your car and cash in your retirement and pay thousands for a script consultant. Immediately. And start buying lottery tickets.


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Great screenwriting resource

Everyone needs to research beat sheets when they're tackling a new show or genre...check out this site to contribute your "homework" or borrow someone else's.

Beat Sheet Central.

48 Hour Film Fest script

Well, that sucked. Read on Facebook that a friend needed a script tonight for the contest, got to writing it, and just as I finished and tried to email it my internet connection went down.

Spent the next hour and a half restarting my computer and texting him. Never heard back. Got online and he didn't want the script anymore; his team got an idea and started writing their own.

Sigh.

He says he's going to shoot it anyway; we'll see. They have a RED camera, so I gave him lots of room to do cool camera angles and lenses, spaghetti western shots, Bruckheimer/Harlin stuff...all in the required genre of comedy.

Because I'm Lis Fucking Fies.

The parameters were 4-7 minutes, comedy, the prop was a plate, and there had to be a character that was James Switzer the electrician. The required dialogue line was "Just remember, you didn't hear it from me."

My friend's team had two comedic white dude actors, 23-27, and permits to shoot in a bar, the desert, and a 40x40 studio with greenscreen.

Here's what I wrote in an hour. You get to actually read some of my screenwriting, since, you know, why not. Theft not a big concern of mine here. Not that I wouldn't hunt a plagiarist down and kill them for sport.

MAGIC WANDS FOR ALL

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT – DAY

The Vegas wasteland. Still.

A car vrooms past, dust spewing in the air.

INT. CAR - DAY

The DRIVER (23) is a handsome white dude, fingers clinching the steering wheel. Barely keeping his shit together.

Glances at the clock and slams his foot down harder on the accelerator.

EXT. BAR – DAY

The car skids into three parking spots: a perfect job if it were Stevie Wonder driving.

From outside the car we see the driver fumbling furiously with something mysterious in the front seat. Bigger than a bread box. He shoves it under his shirt and falls out of the car. Races to the bar door.

INT. BAR – DAY

Deserted. Looks like there was one hell of a party there last night. If your idea of a party is FROM DUSK TIL DAWN.

The BARTENDER, 28, hot white dude (really, Matt??), looks up from a plate of fries he's munching on.

Blanches at the sweaty out-of-breath figure lurching towards him.

BARTENDER
The fuck?

DRIVER
Dude...

Zoom to the Bartender, pulling out a shotgun. Aims it right at him.

BARTENDER
This is MY bar.

The Driver stops.

DRIVER
Dude...

BARTENDER
You and your pasty white guy ass are NOT bringing trouble here today.

The Driver takes a step forward. He is desperate and determined.

The Bartender narrows his eyes.

BARTENDER
You got the mob on you? Again?

Cocks the shotgun.

The noise echoes in the emptiness.

BARTENDER
Because you are not my problem anymore.

DRIVER
Dude...please...

He raises his hands beseechingly.

IN SLO - MO
The mysterious object slides out of his shirt. He tries to catch it, but it fumbles and clanks to the ground as he yells nooooo.

SMASH CUT:

The floor of the bar. The hugest, most confusing contraption you've ever seen is lying there. Frightening to all mankind...

The Bartender recoils out of instinct, the gun forgotten.

BARTENDER
The fuck?

Slowly he walks across the bar. Stops in front of the driver, the THING right between them. (I would do a reverse reverse on this...keep the tension going and do NOT reveal what they're looking at)

Kicks it with his toe like a dead animal.

It whirs a little and the two men jump back from it.

BARTENDER
Jesus!

DRIVER
I know.

BARTENDER
It's hideous.

DRIVER
It's not that bad.

BARTENDER
You let your woman use that?

DRIVER
She says she only uses it when I'm out of town.

NOW REVEAL:

CU: A magic wand vibrator with a dildo attachment. (If you don't have one, um...BUY ONE.)

The Bartender kneels down in front of it.

BARTENDER
You're not bringing this girl home to mom, are you? Because she is NOT going to approve.

The driver kneels down with him, gingerly picks up the monstrosity.

DRIVER
Dude. I need your help. And I'm out of time.

The Bartender stands. Walks back to the bar.

BARTENDER
Busy. I gotta clean. And then the books--

DRIVER
She's going to be home any minute. I need you. The real you. Not this alcohol-slinging bullshit.

BARTENDER
I want no part of this. I put that life behind me.

The Driver approaches the bar.

DRIVER
Why? Over one stupid mistake? Everyone makes mistakes.

FLASHBACK

The Bartender, dressed then as an ELECTRICIAN, working on wires in a wall. In the background we hear but don't see a group of children playing. The electrcian wipes his brow and walks aways. Flips on a light switch. A spark goes up and we hear children screaming, see the horror on his face (think CLIFFHANGER)

END FLASHBACK

The Bartender is shaking like a war vet. Grabs his plate of french fries and smashes the plate, spraying potato and ceramic everywhere. Lunges at the Driver with a sharp end of the plate.

The driver blocks him and they fight, rolling to the ground. Insert fun fight choreography here.

The Driver wins, beating down the Bartender.

DRIVER
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

He slaps the Bartender, who comes out of his vet-like daze.

DRIVER
It wasn't your fault. I don't really get how it happened, but obviously those kids' numbers were up.

BARTENDER
(mumbling to himself)
The screams. The tiny screams...

DRIVER
Even mom says you were set up. Never should have served time for that. It was bogus. Just remember, you didn't hear it from me.

The Bartender calms himself, PTSD episode over. The Driver gives him a hand up.

DRIVER
Now put on your supercape, brother. I need you. I need James Switzer. The best god damn electrician Vegas has ever seen.

The Bartender puffs up, renewed. A glint in his eye.

BARTENDER
How much time have we got?

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – LATER

A table in the corner is covered with the vibrator's guts.

The two men sweat over it, intensely single-focused.

The Bartender, who we now know is JAMES SWITZER, works furiously crossing wires.

DRIVER
Cut the blue wire.

James shoots him a death glare.

JAMES
I don't understand, Jeremy. What were you trying to do to it?

Aha! Now we know the Driver's name is...

JEREMY
It sounds like a lawnmower. She was always embarrassed the neighbors on both sides could hear it, and you know I can't afford to move us. She looks so cute when she uses it. Like
(making the face)
ah!Ahhhhhhaaaawww!!!!!!!!!

JAMES
Don't do that. And I thought she only used it when you were out of town?

JEREMY
I just want to make her happy.

JAMES
So take Viagra.

JEREMY
No man, she's multi-orgasmic. I get tired around the 20th orgrasm. My hands start cramping.

FLASHBACK:

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE

Jeremy is handed a stack of paperwork, but his hands are cramped like claws and he drops them all to the ground, fluttering through the air.

END FLASHBACK

JEREMY
I couldn't talk to clients the next day.

FLASHBACK:

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE

Jeremy on the phone, his tongue swollen and not pronouncing words intelligibly. He takes an ice cube from his coffee mug and applies it to his tongue.

END FLASHBACK

JEREMY
She needs the magic wand. Dude. Hugh Hefner swears by it.

James finishes up one last wire. Closes the wand back up. Turns it on.

Sure enough, it sounds like a lawnmower.

JAMES
Jesus!

The Switzer Brothers stare at the ridiculously loud vibrator.

JEREMY
I told you. But the things it does to her...Come on, man. Just one more time. Use your powers for good!

James sighs. Opens the wand back up.

JEREMY
You're the best big brother ever.

CUT TO:

EXT. CRAPPY APARTMENT – NIGHT

We follow a hot pair of stripper shoes as they click down the sidewalk.

A key in the door, operated by a very sexy female hand.

The door swing open, and there's

JEREMY

butt naked on the couch, a wrapped gift box on his lap.

He grins into the camera.

JEREMY
Guess who is your hero!!!

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS

UNDER CREDITS

Lots of female moaning, screaming, “Baby you're the king, you make me so happy awwwwwhhhhhh”, Jeremy ad-libbing, and a now whisper-quiet vibrator.

THE COMMUNE on LA Talk Radio

Check out our hour-long interview on LA Talk Radio with Kip Brown IN THE CAN!!! And he wants us back in a month, or to be one of the first guests when they move to the TV show format on Time Warner. Yea, team!!!

April 4th, 2009
Listen or Download.

A cult classic. Writer/director/producer Elisabeth Fies gives a fun and twisted interview about her new psychological thriller feature THE COMMUNE. She is joined by Emmy-winning star and heart-throb David Lago, and brilliant editor/producer Todd Miro for rollicking banter about cutting edge techniques indie filmmakers should be using. Don't miss this irreverent and bold episode; even Kip said he learned a lot! "THE COMMUNE is what THE WICKER MAN remake would have been if it had any balls at all." - Pretty/Scary www.TheCommuneMovie.com

Don't know what to do...

...with all this vitriol aimed against women. Read the comments to the article.


This whole subject is soooo loaded and complex.

The facts are that only 1 out of 10 films made feature a female protagonist, and that only 5% of the Writer's Guild is female.

For whatever reason, Hollywood does not want to tell women's stories, and does not want women telling any stories. Period.

No, there are not less female screenwriters. No, there are not less women consuming entertainment. That's all simplistic bullshit said by simplistic people who want things to stay the way they are. Like that UCLA professor who once dressed me down in class for an hour because it was such an unimportant topic that didn't matter to the heartland ticket buyers...

Should we blame these female screenwriters for promoting their sexuality and coming up with a PR angle that Hollywood and people want? Blame the female reporter who spun them like the vacuous Sex and the City girls? The NYT editor who chose to run the article in the style section instead of the arts? The anonymous internet commenters who call anyone with an opinion a feminazi?

Should empowered men and women circumscribe Hollywood and go build their own internet distribution empires, eliminating the barrier between artist and audience and the need to play Hollywood's reindeer games?

I don't know. I feel tired. I've tried to focus on partnering with men, empowering everyone, ignoring the negative, simply deleting the comments I get here from misogynists.

I don't know. My soul is tired.

You all take over for a day. This Watchman wants to retire.

On the 75th birthday of Gloria Steinem. How apropos.

Is your soul tired?

TERMINATOR: SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES
Episode "Last Voyage of the Jimmy Carter"
Available for free on Hulu.

A gorgeous feat of storytelling from last Friday's episode. Bravura writing, directing, acting. The teleplay is credited to Ashley Edward Miller & Zach Stentz, directing to Guy Norman Bee.


THE SCENE: A sleepy, fed-up human handler tries to wrap things up for the night with the Terminator robot he is in charge of who is giddily engrossed in painting miniatures.

TERMINATOR: The eyes for example, the window to the soul. They're the window to the soul. I read that.
HUMAN: That's what they say.
TERMINATOR: Then I should choose my paint more carefully.
HUMAN: It doesn't matter, John Henry. It's a statue. It's an object. It doesn't have a soul.
TERMINATOR: It has eyes. Your eyes look tired. Is your soul tired?
HUMAN: No, my soul isn't tired. But I am. And I am going home.


There are more exchanges in this episode that make it more than worth your time, as a storyteller and a human. It's a five star episode.

Man up boys. It's time to SCREENWRITE.

Accountability systems are a fantastic, necessary thing for writers. Especially you assholes out there who have written 30 pages in five years and pollute my world by still calling yourselves writers (Yup. Don't think the rest of us daily writers don't notice you.)

So if you're a screenwriter who has ever been jealous of the wonderful results produced by NANOWRIMO, get your lazy butt over to SCRIPTFRENZY, pronto.

Here's what program director Jennifer Arzt said about Scriptfrenzy in an email to me:

It isn't a contest. It is a free writing event with no prizes or judges (we're a nonprofit), just a challenge: Write 100 pages in the 30 days of April.

It sounds very much like NANOWRIMO to me, which produces concrete results for writers. My 21-year-old nieces have written at least 3 novels a piece from participating in NANOWRIMO. How many of you calling yourselves "writers" can say that?

Go sign up, add one of their participant logos to your website/blog/whatever 2.0 account, and by April 30th you'll have the vomit draft of another screenplay done, and a little more self-respect and right to the privilege of calling yourself a writer.

Lessons EVERY artist needs

I'm a reviewer.

Not really news, right? I've been reviewing things here for four years. I have a following and people even reach out to me to review or write about things they're very attached to. Before this blog, I had reviews published around, some on a popular site. I'm in the top ten at Netflix, etc. etc. etc.

Why do I review? Because I live love breathe shit movies and television. Because sometimes viewers need a little help deciphering the propaganda hidden in the art. Because sometimes artists need a little help deciphering the propaganda their subconcious minds hid in their art. Because thoughtful, responsible examination regulates society, and keeps artists honest and doing their best. Because filmmakers should be able to be critiqued by their peers, and other filmmakers don't put their subjective opinions and tastes out there like I do for fear of burning an industry bridge.

Why else do I do it? To have a more balanced and informed opinion than what will be floating around on the internet.

Have you SEEN what is out there? Comments sections, messasge boards, everyman reviews? What people write on IMDb?


Let me give you writers and filmmakers a hint about the public and indie movies.

CONVENTIONEERS has a Spirit Award.

A SPIRIT AWARD. The highest award below an Oscar that a low-budget film can receive.

It has a 5 out of 10 rating on IMDb.

An F.

Look what the general public says about it on Netflix, where it has a 2.6 star rating out of 5.

Okay? Are we all on the same page now?

THIS IS WHY ARTISTS NEED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF ESTEEM AND OUTER ESTEEM.

All the great leaders from Jesus to MLK have spent the majority of their lives downtrodden by the outside world. Constant negative feedback from outer esteem. But they had rock solid self esteem and they believed in themselves. Even when people wanted to kill them.

How many artists clamoring to have their work in the public eye understand the maelstorm they are asking for?

Let's go back to the people who don't like CONVENTIONEERS. Do you think this bothers Mora Stephens? No. She made a fucking great movie and she knows it. She doesn't care what Joe Schmoe or Iowa or Pakistan says, she made the movie she wanted to make.

Self esteem versus outer esteem.


Let's add another layer to outer esteem.

For directing CONVENTIONEERS, Mora received a Spirit Award on her mantel, an agent at a top agency, and has her next project in the works with stars and a budget in the millions.

She's not focusing on the portion of people who didn't get her movie. She has successfuly discarded them and embraced her "true fans."

And if she reads this post she's going to see that I am praising her and her movie, not slamming it. Even though I'm not lying and saying it's beloved by all. Right? She's got her shit together and she's ready to have her art in the world.


I recently had someone blow up at me over one gently-worded sentence of criticism in an otherwise glowing 4 out of 5 star review. Angry about the review because it suggested one area of improvement in the movie. ONE POLITIC SENTENCE. Angry to the point he irrationally damaged our acquaintance and hasn't made ammends. Over a huge favor I did him for free to try to get his movie seen.


SERIOUSLY, all you artists out there who can't take feedback in a class or writer's group. All you artists who cling to the negative and discard the positive.

GOD FORBID your work ever make it into the public. God forbid. Please, before you show it to anyone you aren't bribing, memorize the following:

1) If you want your work to ever be seen anywhere by anybody, you have got to learn self esteem or the reaction will destroy you.


2) PEOPLE WILL HATE WHAT YOU HAVE MADE. If you are expecting and think you are entitled to 100% praise, the reaction will destroy you.

Learn to find your niche. CITIZEN KANE, the most celebrated movie all time, has an 8.6 out of 10 stars at IMDb. (CITIZEN FUCKING KANE. Who the fuck are you, really?? CITIZEN KANE.)

Are you going to choose to focus only on the people who don't like you? If 12 sentences say "excellent" and the 13th politely says "room to improve", don't throw a hissyfit and throw out the 12 sentences before it. Don't attack the person for respecting you enough to think you could maturely and professionally handle feedback.


3) You WILL read or hear something you don't agree with. Because it's a REVIEW, not PR fluff. Don't shut down and go the hurt feelings route. Learn to distinguish the difference between "room to grow" and getting "slammed".


4) Identify who your friends are and don't chase those people away. Don't make them lie to you like they were your mom. Your mom can love you unconditionally by lying to you. People who actually care about you and your art will tell you where you can get better if you let them. That's the kind of unconditional love an artist needs.

And you can always get better. It's your JOB as an artist. What happens when your self-esteem can't handle anything but nice lies? You surround yourself with Yes Men and end up with STAR WARS 1-3 and INDIANA JONES 4.


5) If someone isn't in your niche, disregard their opinion without lashing out. You need to responsibly learn who to listen to and who to be able to listen to and say thank you but not choose to act on it. The higher your self esteem, the easier this becomes to judge and the more polite you will become. Because a critique either isn't correct for your art, or is awesome food for thought. Either way, the response is Thank You.


6) You're emotionally attached to your art. We all are. But if you overreact and behave innappropriately man up and APOLOGIZE. The art of apology is completely underrated, and is a beautiful thing if you mean it (Nope. I haven't received one.).


7) Don't go out of your way to do awesome things for people who've never done anything for you. Because they will always take you for granted and treat you like trash.

Sometimes supporting actually makes people happy. And sometimes no good deed goes unpunished.

Am I going to let one person's icky behaviour affect the reviews I'm doing tomorrow night and the day after? Or keep me from doing something nice for another colleague?

Nope.


Find your one thousand true fans (Kevin Kelly), and ignore the noise.


P.S. One of the great joys about receiving feedback on THE COMMUNE is how astonishingly diverse the reaction is to the actors. It always cracks me up. I have heard from multitudes of people who swear their opinion is absolutely right, and that x is the best actor and y is the worst in the movie.

Who are x and y?

Insert each of the top five names. They've all been both x and y.


Seriously chew on that.

Is that not a staggering comment on art and society and the subjectivity of opinions?


For every creation, there is an audience. Sort and discard. Find yours.

Elizabeth Gilbert: A New Way To Think About CREATIVITY

I've been mulling over this topic myself for two weeks now. More from me soon. And now, the other Elizabeth:

For Arcadia High

Thanks for making me feel welcome, and keep writing! Ms. Tucker has my info if you want to drop me any more questions.

Some things we didn't get to in class, but I was asked after:

How do I make my characters different?
While some writers are known for using a hyperstylized author voice for each character (Tarantino, David Mamet, Diablo Cody), for the rest of us it's considered amateur writing. One of the best books addressing this issue and how to plan your characters so that they reflect your theme is Robert McKee's STORY. His theory is that each character should bring out a different aspect of your main character. (In the same way that you act differently around your mom than your best friend than your math teacher). We all have public faces we wear as masks, and ultimately how we choose to act also reflects what we value. So draw a pie chart and make enough lines though it so that you have a slice for each character. Write the main characteristic of each character in it, and that should be what is being brought out in your main character in the scenes with that person.

How do I end my story?
This is perhaps the most frequent mistake authors make. Read A STORY IS A PROMISE by Bill Johnson. Your theme and your first ten pages have already determined what your obligatory ending HAS to be, or audiences will hate your story and feel cheated. It's your job to go back and analyze what the characters and your unconscious have been telling you your story is...and deliver. Bill has a great website with free articles. I think they're fantastic.

How do I come up with ideas?
We talked about looking at a combo of your favorite books and movies to discover your life theme...now look at those same stories and combine elements of them. Voila! There's an idea. Remember PRIDE AND PREDATOR?

I came up with my idea for THE COMMUNE by combining specific experiences in my Bohemian childhood with one of my favorite books (MISTS OF AVALON) with two of my favoritie movies (CHINATOWN and THE WICKER MAN).

Following up on the problem of only writing what you know...
You're teenagers trapped in the same small world, so it makes sense that many of you are setting things in school, home, hallways, and talking about romance, parents, authority figures...this problem is why one of the most frequent pieces of advice given to young writers is to go LIVE when you graduate. Travel, see Europe, try on jobs and experiences. Experience some real tragedies, and talk to people who don't come from your same zip code. But in the meantime...look at the essence of your story and see if you can't take the same issue you're exploring, and using the Magic If, imagine what it would be like in another state, country, time...Sometimes that's all it takes. If you're writing about a boy you like, set it in a fantasy world like Lord of the Rings. Can they not date because they aren't the same species? It's really about looking at the root of what you're interested in exploring in that idea, and taking a step back and changing just one element. Look at Romeo and Juliet. That story has been told successfully in dozens of movies just by changing the location. The most recent retelling is UNDERWORLD. Same for CINDERELLA. If you start looking, you'll see the patterns and get more ideas.

We didn't talk about designing your protagonist, so I'm going to recommend this brief article to you.
Structure and Character Part 1
Structure and Character Part 2

Also, look at your boring scenes.
They're boring because the characters are agreeing with each other. Most likely, there's something you want to say and you're making a speech about it. Think about how this feels when a teacher or parent does it to you...boring, right? And not very convincing. Because there's no CONFLICT. If someone is talking in a scene, the other character better be disagreeing...even if it's only silently expressed through their actions. Remember when you didn't like what your sister was saying, so you gave her the cold-shoulder and loaded the dishwasher and kept trying to ignore her, imagining her head would just explode? Now that's a scene.

The other main reason scenes are boring...
Because you're repeating yourself. If you're not adding new information, than you're just preaching at your readers again...and they're tuning out just like you do in class.

Where's that PG clip from your movie?
Better yet: Here's a clip and the original page of dialogue as I wrote it, so you can get a feel for the process.

It's really all about feelings?
Yes. Read this article. Examine the works you're attracted to and dissect why. And listen to the song examples we talked about in class. Listen to how much emotion is in their singing voices. Your stories, in any medium, should ideally be that passionate and raw:
The Verve: The Freshman Meaning Lyrics

The Airborne Toxic Event: Sometime Around Midnight Lyrics


Another great one we didn't discuss: Father of Mine, by Everclear. Lyrics.

Female singer/songwriters who are known for delivering passionate performances are Pink, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple. These people are expressing something very personal and specific about their lives (often their love lives, which is why I'm not pointing you to examples), and as we discussed, the personal becomes universal...transformed by the purity of their emotion. Google their name plus "lyrics", or plug their name into Youtube for more examples.

And remember...once you graduate, you're paying your experts. Seek out teachers who have a few key points you agree on, and discard whatever doesn't work for you. Because you are all unique as artists and humans, and there is no such thing as a RIGHT way that works for everybody. If there were, that teacher would be a billionaire and an emperor. And if someone tells you you suck and you can't write? Keep writing. Don't absorb the body blows. Remember, that person just isn't in your niche. Find the people in your life who are, and pay them more attention than the ones who aren't.


Hope this helps! Ms. Tucker has a handout on more resources for you, and drop me a line if you have more questions.

Pride and Predator

EFfinging rad. Wish I'd thought of that.

UPDATE: Oh, never mind. Neither did they.

Weird reversals

So IMHO, these shows have been rocking:

Big Love
Psych
Burn Notice
Damages
Nip/Tuck
Chelsea Lately
The Big Bang Theory

These shows have been boring the spit out of me:

Battlestar Galactica
Private Practice
Dollhouse
Brothers & Sisters

And these formally great shows have me on the fence:

Flight of the Conchords
30 Rock
House
Lost


And the most enjoyable show of all has been CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM in reruns. There you have it.

Things I can't say to him

Ilsa: I wasn't sure you were the same. Let's see, the last time we met...
Rick: Was La Belle Aurore.
Ilsa: How nice, you remembered. But of course, that was the day the Germans marched into Paris.
Rick: Not an easy day to forget.
Ilsa: No.
Rick: I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.

Rick: Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Laszlo, or were there others in between? Or - aren't you the kind that tells?

Rick: It's funny about your voice, how it hasn't changed. I can still hear it. "Richard, dear, I'll go with you anyplace. We'll get on a train together and never stop - "
Ilsa: Don't, Rick! I can understand how you feel.
Rick: [scoffs] You understand how I feel. How long was it we had, honey?
Ilsa: [on the verge of tears] I didn't count the days.
Rick: Well, I did. Every one of 'em. Mostly I remember the last one. The wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out.



Oh my god, have you ever stood with a comical look on your face as your insides were kicked out?

I did once. Only I was sitting, in a thirty-year-old car. When he said "I'm so glad I met you" and then threw us away in the gutter. You'll see it in THE COMMUNE.

That's the thing about the one without the power. They remember that day, every detail, for the rest of their lives. Replaying over and over again what they should have done to get a positive result, looking in their beloved for ANY shred of a proof of love...a hand on the knee, a kind smile, a hesitation...

And the beloved goes on with their life with all the power and no need to ever remember. You think Ilsa knows she wore blue that day? Or knows how many days were together?

No. It was over for her the moment she walked away. The guilt might have stung every once in a while, but no compulsion to burn the details into the worn grooves of their brain. Her guts weren't spilled in the streets, begging to be sloppily shoved back inside and stitched with answers that will never come; never be understood.

She might feel bad about being perceived as a bad person and spout platitudes and apologies never backed by actions over the years...but anyone who feels love isn't the one who makes the choice to piss on it. No. The Ilsas never think of coming back to you, and they certainly never think of you with any sense of connection or belonging. You're just another fellow traveller.

Ah, romantic love. How we Europeans and Americans idolize it so as the only thing worth living for, when the suffering over it is a pain beyond bearing.

Creative Screenwriting

It's official; I won first place in the thriller genre category of Creative Screenwriting's Expo Competition! Very, very cool.

Got a cash prize, to make a speech in front of a lot of people, and a frolicking dinner with the other winners and Jim Mercurio. When I can find my camera's charger, I'll post the videos! There might have been some strange things mentioned by or about me. Dildos, anal rape, Andrea Dworkin, Mexican wrestlers...

Call it, Norma Rae

Holy fuacamole. Hold on to your hats, kids.