Thursday, October 12, 2006

Everybody Back on the Bus

Okay, I've decided I'm ready to start posting again, and that I'm going to be sentimental and keep the old blogger digs instead of upgrading to typepad. For future reference, if you just bookmark me at "" you'll always find me.

So here's the deal. I stopped posting for three reasons.

1. I was overwhelmed by work (amazing things happening I will post about soon)
2. I was overwhelmed by choices (when the Typepad move didn't go smoothly and many of you didn't like the idea, it threw me into confusion and nonaction...a state that sentimental choices have had me in ever since Mom died. Sound familiar to any other grievers?
3. Lynne White died.

Number three is really the most important. I didn't realize how sick Lynne was until the third week of August. By then I'd had her on my daily list of phone calls since the 20th, but never made it in time. I can't tell you how much her daily absence from this site makes me never want to blog again. Or how guilt-ridden I feel for not contacting her before her death, or her lovely daughter Jill afterwards.

But reactions to death and our inapropriate behavior are strange things...even now I'd still rather stew and feel like crap then email Jill to apologize and ask how she's doing and extend my help. I guess the first step is admitting what's going on in my effed up head, so maybe this post will help some of you going through similarly bizarre grief patterns.

I can say Lynne was a lovely painter and wrote an adorable children's book, so if you miss her positive, loving presence as much as I do please go support the art that helps her live on in our memories.

Also, I'm beginning a FISHIES blog for Mom and Lynne. Just starting it now, but I hope it grows into a collection of stories from people who've received hellos from loved ones who've passed.


inkdestroyedmybrush said...

About 5 minutes from me my good friend Steve jabloner is dying, and I've been trying to make time to see him. I'll fully admit, under the screen name, without having to make eye contact, that watching his final weeks is so damn tough that I'm constantly having to make myself go see him and feeling horrible because I have no idea what I should be saying or feeling. No idea at all.

Lynda said...

Lynne's death hit me pretty hard as well. I tried to email you, because I knew it probably was the reason for your hiatus. I did a luminaria for her at the Relay for Life I went to in California, and posted about her. I also have been visiting Jill's blog.

I still want to get the book for Calem. Lynne was going to autograph one for me, but I wasn't proactive enough. I guess I was in denial that she wouldn't pull through, even though I knew it was a possiblity. Did you feel that way?

I keep my blog because it has comments from when I started July 2005 until October 2005 from my sister. She is always anonymous. I even took off anonymous commenting for a while, because someone would post as anonymous and it would freak me out until I read the comment.

I have you on bloglines, so I can tell when both your blogs update. Sorry you got such a poor reaction from your TypePad move. I think you should do what makes you happy.

All I can say about the guilt is stop. It won't change anything, and it will just eat at you. Take a moment to contact Jill. I am sure she knows about you and it probably will make you feel better. I wish I had the time to knit a cap for Lynne like I had planned. Instead I will just honor her like I honor my sister, by trying to raise awarenss about lung cancer, especially that it can affect a non-smoker.

Meg said...

Love you, dear.

Heidi said...

I just posted about a memory with my step-dad and it dawns on me I might see some fishies from him this week. That would rock.