The Commune Blurb

"Classic storytelling of a difficult and important subject; told with grace, class, and intelligence."
- Michael Conley, President, Conley Communications

More ways I eff people up

"which country* are you in and for how much longer? i was thinkin bout you this am when i crossed paths with a neighbor and for the life of me i COULD NOT say dobry den... it was coming out DORBY den**... and my brain was saying.... damn fies!!!"***



*No one knows where I live.

** I make up words in every language. Especially English.

*** Actual Facebook message. That I posted WITHOUT PERMISSION.


Oh, beware, friends of the fies...

I'll get you my pretty...

It's raining little dogs!

That'll teach 'em to keep their dog underweight. We keep Hero at a very respectable 9 pounds.

My friend Christine Coppa

Buy her new book RATTLED, and/or go meet her this Thursday night at her book reading!

Thursday, April 30, 2009
Time: 7:00pm - 9:00pm
Location: Border's
Street: 3700 Torrance Blvd.
City: Torrance, CA

Zombie pigs

Via Lost Zombies.com

What type of creative geek are you?

56 flavors to choose from.

Tone Loc vs. Weezer

Wild Hashpipe.

Movie Monster Insurance

Cute satirical short by writer/director Paula Haifley.

How to get a guy to wash his hands

Worth a click, but sorta NSFW in an artsy fartsy way. Via Macstarr.

Coming to the rescue...He's a miracle

I'd call it nostalgia, but honestly it still gives me chills.

Everybody involved in this movie was 100% balls out.



Man, talk about hitting just the right tone. The only scarier prospect I can think of is LARS AND THE REAL GIRL, which found theirs with equal success.

Billy Wilder's typewriter

If only it really were.

Human Giant

More free silliness.

David Lynch and Crispin Glover's Big Blockbuster #3

Pure genius.

Yes, he does that with his hand. Constantly.



The only thing they blew was on the CU of Lynch's devil eyes, you can clearly see the patio door of someone's home. Bummer.

Welcome Courtney Mortimar!

The latest California lottery commercial prominently features our old house...the one Mom lived in happily her last year here in LA. Big bro has a nice blog entry about it, as well as the commercial.

RIP Bea Arthur

My new favorite site

TV Tropes.

I see this at least once a day

It drives me BANANAS.

Via John August's blog, actors carrying empty coffee cups.

Lucius Seneca on the shortness of life

More brilliance via Tim Ferriss's blog. That man continues to make amazing contributions to our lifestyles.

Silence of the Legos

A lego musical for those of you who dream oubliettes.

Happy belated Earth Day!

Scallops with apples

Great-looking recipe via Trader Joe's.

Mo' blurbage

Oh I heart that cutie Brea Grant. Check it out!

"THE COMMUNE takes hold of you in the first few minutes with its jaw-dropping opening and then refuses to let you go. Chauntal Lewis has definitely made a fan out of me with her strong yet vulnerable performance. This movie does not disappoint for any horror fans who are looking for an entertaining plot, engaging style and a good scare. I expect to see much more from Lis Fies after this one."
- Brea Grant, actor HEROES, HALLOWEEN 2 (and comic writer!)

You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille

I have a confession.

I've been cheating on you.

All my bon mots have been 144 characters long, real time.

Yes. I'm TWITTERING.


Gasp!!!


Sorry kids, but over there people actually WRITE BACK TO ME...

Fun people in crazy time zones. Some are even !gasp! famous!

Soooo step it up over here, campers.

Ugh. Really?

Hero keeps eating the crotch out of my favorite clothes.

Ewww and sigh.

Hello to Kjeld's English blokes

See you sooooon, troublemakers!!

mmmm. Peaches.

Facebook fun

Ohhhh I'm being teased by an Italian boy from last fall...is he 24 yet?

Hrumph. I AM going to be in London in three weeks; is it really THAT much harder to get back to Florence?

Or is it just wrong to visit one European city three times in less than 8 months...

The Spirit

Oh dangit. I'm trying to watch it for Eric Balfour's sake, and because I know someone who knows the co-director, but 5 minutes in I'm already totally tuned out. It's the tone again...whenever I don't like a movie right away it's the tone. I'd call this one "Dick Tracy", which was a huge mistake the first time. I made keeping track of the tone my #1 priority in The Commune...

Hey wait...isn't that Frank Miller? Did he put himself in his own movie? Oh god...I don't really care...concentrate Lis, check out the cool greenscreening...Eric!! It's Eric!! Yea!! Show Eric again!! He has such a sweet face!!

Ohhh you know he and Lago could play brothers onscreen...

Amazing Fellatio

Did you know that if you google "Amazing Fellatio" I am result number 30? In the world?

I mean, it's true. Obviously. Look at my smile!

But I don't need the word out there. I've already got stalker exes.

48 Hour Film Fest script

Well, that sucked. Read on Facebook that a friend needed a script tonight for the contest, got to writing it, and just as I finished and tried to email it my internet connection went down.

Spent the next hour and a half restarting my computer and texting him. Never heard back. Got online and he didn't want the script anymore; his team got an idea and started writing their own.

Sigh.

He says he's going to shoot it anyway; we'll see. They have a RED camera, so I gave him lots of room to do cool camera angles and lenses, spaghetti western shots, Bruckheimer/Harlin stuff...all in the required genre of comedy.

Because I'm Lis Fucking Fies.

The parameters were 4-7 minutes, comedy, the prop was a plate, and there had to be a character that was James Switzer the electrician. The required dialogue line was "Just remember, you didn't hear it from me."

My friend's team had two comedic white dude actors, 23-27, and permits to shoot in a bar, the desert, and a 40x40 studio with greenscreen.

Here's what I wrote in an hour. You get to actually read some of my screenwriting, since, you know, why not. Theft not a big concern of mine here. Not that I wouldn't hunt a plagiarist down and kill them for sport.

MAGIC WANDS FOR ALL

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT – DAY

The Vegas wasteland. Still.

A car vrooms past, dust spewing in the air.

INT. CAR - DAY

The DRIVER (23) is a handsome white dude, fingers clinching the steering wheel. Barely keeping his shit together.

Glances at the clock and slams his foot down harder on the accelerator.

EXT. BAR – DAY

The car skids into three parking spots: a perfect job if it were Stevie Wonder driving.

From outside the car we see the driver fumbling furiously with something mysterious in the front seat. Bigger than a bread box. He shoves it under his shirt and falls out of the car. Races to the bar door.

INT. BAR – DAY

Deserted. Looks like there was one hell of a party there last night. If your idea of a party is FROM DUSK TIL DAWN.

The BARTENDER, 28, hot white dude (really, Matt??), looks up from a plate of fries he's munching on.

Blanches at the sweaty out-of-breath figure lurching towards him.

BARTENDER
The fuck?

DRIVER
Dude...

Zoom to the Bartender, pulling out a shotgun. Aims it right at him.

BARTENDER
This is MY bar.

The Driver stops.

DRIVER
Dude...

BARTENDER
You and your pasty white guy ass are NOT bringing trouble here today.

The Driver takes a step forward. He is desperate and determined.

The Bartender narrows his eyes.

BARTENDER
You got the mob on you? Again?

Cocks the shotgun.

The noise echoes in the emptiness.

BARTENDER
Because you are not my problem anymore.

DRIVER
Dude...please...

He raises his hands beseechingly.

IN SLO - MO
The mysterious object slides out of his shirt. He tries to catch it, but it fumbles and clanks to the ground as he yells nooooo.

SMASH CUT:

The floor of the bar. The hugest, most confusing contraption you've ever seen is lying there. Frightening to all mankind...

The Bartender recoils out of instinct, the gun forgotten.

BARTENDER
The fuck?

Slowly he walks across the bar. Stops in front of the driver, the THING right between them. (I would do a reverse reverse on this...keep the tension going and do NOT reveal what they're looking at)

Kicks it with his toe like a dead animal.

It whirs a little and the two men jump back from it.

BARTENDER
Jesus!

DRIVER
I know.

BARTENDER
It's hideous.

DRIVER
It's not that bad.

BARTENDER
You let your woman use that?

DRIVER
She says she only uses it when I'm out of town.

NOW REVEAL:

CU: A magic wand vibrator with a dildo attachment. (If you don't have one, um...BUY ONE.)

The Bartender kneels down in front of it.

BARTENDER
You're not bringing this girl home to mom, are you? Because she is NOT going to approve.

The driver kneels down with him, gingerly picks up the monstrosity.

DRIVER
Dude. I need your help. And I'm out of time.

The Bartender stands. Walks back to the bar.

BARTENDER
Busy. I gotta clean. And then the books--

DRIVER
She's going to be home any minute. I need you. The real you. Not this alcohol-slinging bullshit.

BARTENDER
I want no part of this. I put that life behind me.

The Driver approaches the bar.

DRIVER
Why? Over one stupid mistake? Everyone makes mistakes.

FLASHBACK

The Bartender, dressed then as an ELECTRICIAN, working on wires in a wall. In the background we hear but don't see a group of children playing. The electrcian wipes his brow and walks aways. Flips on a light switch. A spark goes up and we hear children screaming, see the horror on his face (think CLIFFHANGER)

END FLASHBACK

The Bartender is shaking like a war vet. Grabs his plate of french fries and smashes the plate, spraying potato and ceramic everywhere. Lunges at the Driver with a sharp end of the plate.

The driver blocks him and they fight, rolling to the ground. Insert fun fight choreography here.

The Driver wins, beating down the Bartender.

DRIVER
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

He slaps the Bartender, who comes out of his vet-like daze.

DRIVER
It wasn't your fault. I don't really get how it happened, but obviously those kids' numbers were up.

BARTENDER
(mumbling to himself)
The screams. The tiny screams...

DRIVER
Even mom says you were set up. Never should have served time for that. It was bogus. Just remember, you didn't hear it from me.

The Bartender calms himself, PTSD episode over. The Driver gives him a hand up.

DRIVER
Now put on your supercape, brother. I need you. I need James Switzer. The best god damn electrician Vegas has ever seen.

The Bartender puffs up, renewed. A glint in his eye.

BARTENDER
How much time have we got?

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – LATER

A table in the corner is covered with the vibrator's guts.

The two men sweat over it, intensely single-focused.

The Bartender, who we now know is JAMES SWITZER, works furiously crossing wires.

DRIVER
Cut the blue wire.

James shoots him a death glare.

JAMES
I don't understand, Jeremy. What were you trying to do to it?

Aha! Now we know the Driver's name is...

JEREMY
It sounds like a lawnmower. She was always embarrassed the neighbors on both sides could hear it, and you know I can't afford to move us. She looks so cute when she uses it. Like
(making the face)
ah!Ahhhhhhaaaawww!!!!!!!!!

JAMES
Don't do that. And I thought she only used it when you were out of town?

JEREMY
I just want to make her happy.

JAMES
So take Viagra.

JEREMY
No man, she's multi-orgasmic. I get tired around the 20th orgrasm. My hands start cramping.

FLASHBACK:

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE

Jeremy is handed a stack of paperwork, but his hands are cramped like claws and he drops them all to the ground, fluttering through the air.

END FLASHBACK

JEREMY
I couldn't talk to clients the next day.

FLASHBACK:

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE

Jeremy on the phone, his tongue swollen and not pronouncing words intelligibly. He takes an ice cube from his coffee mug and applies it to his tongue.

END FLASHBACK

JEREMY
She needs the magic wand. Dude. Hugh Hefner swears by it.

James finishes up one last wire. Closes the wand back up. Turns it on.

Sure enough, it sounds like a lawnmower.

JAMES
Jesus!

The Switzer Brothers stare at the ridiculously loud vibrator.

JEREMY
I told you. But the things it does to her...Come on, man. Just one more time. Use your powers for good!

James sighs. Opens the wand back up.

JEREMY
You're the best big brother ever.

CUT TO:

EXT. CRAPPY APARTMENT – NIGHT

We follow a hot pair of stripper shoes as they click down the sidewalk.

A key in the door, operated by a very sexy female hand.

The door swing open, and there's

JEREMY

butt naked on the couch, a wrapped gift box on his lap.

He grins into the camera.

JEREMY
Guess who is your hero!!!

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS

UNDER CREDITS

Lots of female moaning, screaming, “Baby you're the king, you make me so happy awwwwwhhhhhh”, Jeremy ad-libbing, and a now whisper-quiet vibrator.

Female cover of Sex on Fire

Um hello, TOTALLY better than anything on AMERICAN IDOL. She has a good USE SOMEBODY, too.

Really?

Offensive tea party signs. Sigh.

Either this wallpaper goes or I do

God. I tried watching THE HILLS, 90210, and AMERICAN IDOL tonight from a place of irony.

No. Just...no.

Tarantino, Chelsea Handler and Diablo Cody must be taking more iron supplements than me. My stomach lining rejected it all.

Wheeee! Another great blurb!

"Fresh and frightening. Loved it. Superb directing; really right on. Jenny and Puck had great chemistry. A cult film: innovative and wonderfully complex.
- Tasha Hardy, producer, STAR TREK: NEW VOYAGES "World Enough and Time" winner TV Guide Award, Hugo nomination

It's Pagan Day! Lord Summerisle, are you riding with Jesus?

Easter is the great unifier of us all. The least disguised co-opted pagan holiday.**

Ergo, Easter Sunday seemed like the PERFECT day to bring you more information about Robin Hardy's new movie COWBOYS FOR CHRIST.

After 7 years of hardcore pre-pro and 30 years of planning between Mr. Hardy and Mr. Christopher Lee, their dream project has gone into production in Glasgow, Scotland.

COWBOYS FOR CHRIST is a brilliant reimagining of the fucking genius THE WICKER MAN, giving these two gentleman a second chance at their all-time favorite movie. Think a moment about how many movies (and which) Mr. Lee has made. That should say it all.

Why do they need a second chance? Because what happened to THE WICKER MAN is one of the great cinema holocausts. For every filmmaker who wakes up screaming because they're dreaming again of being on the set of Gilliam's LOST IN LA MANCHA, there is an even nerdier, more savvy dissident in night terrors about the post-production of one of my top ten favorite films.

THE WICKER MAN was royally FUCKED in the ass by media PowersThatBe, and only exists in any form now due to Mr. Lee's tireless campaigning and outspoken outrage at the brutal editing rape and shoddy distribution that marginalized and hid its light for 30 years. Seriously. Actors like this don't exist in our business. Listen to him here, even 30 years later. And he's FUCKING RIGHT. It is the CITIZEN KANE of horror movies with what he was able to use his clout to save...what could have been if those suits in ultimate charge hadn't been tasteless morons who threw away cans of footage?

My god. That man. Did you watch that interview? We bow to you, Mr. Lee. Did you catch which coat he is wearing? :)

Stay strong, gentleman. Be loud. And from one brilliant subversive feminist occasionally-neopagan to two others: Ride with Jesus.
Young Christians Beth and Steve, a gospel singer and her cowboy boyfriend, leave Texas to preach door-to-door in Scotland . When, after initial abuse, they are welcomed with joy and elation to Tressock, the border fiefdom of Sir Lachlan Morrison, they assume their hosts simply want to hear more about Jesus. How innocent and wrong they are.

I love how they've done this THE WICKER MAN reimagining. I think they would really love mine, too. We need more people telling the truth about the atrocities Christians have committed in Europe against pagans. For that matter, how about some movies made about the Inquisition or the burning time witch hunts that killed ten million Europeans? Ugh. But my movie has a different focus than "organized" religion versus the old ways. Mine is about the new breed of New Agers who invent their own hodgepodge of religions for Me Generation megalomaniacal ends...

Oh, how much joy it would give me to show these gentleman THE COMMUNE. There are only three people left on earth whose opinions I truly give a rat's ass about for my movie. And two of them are hard at work now in Glasgow, restoring the balance.

Stuart G. Bennett as Dr. Polieos in THE COMMUNE, 2009

Christopher Lee as Lord Summerisle in THE WICKER MAN, 1973

Our COMMUNE crew t-shirt: "I sacrificed on Summerisle and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

Some pithy neopagan humor for you. This dog wears our t-shirt around Somerset, England:


**Easter = Sumerian goddess Ishtar or Eostre the Germanic spring goddess
Eggs bunnies and chocolate = fertility
Eating Ham = honoring the death of Ishtar's son Tammuz, who was conceived by a sunray and killed by a pig. Or it might just be because slaughtering a pig was a common ritual to celebrate Spring equinox (Saturnalia).
Easter sun rise services = honoring the sun god
The rising of Christ after his sacrifice on a moveable feast holiday = SOOOO many thousands of years of pagan rites and mythology that if you don't at least recognize Babylonian Inanna "The Queen of Heaven" and Eygptian Osiris and Isis and think someone named Jesus literally died on a cross I just can't fathom how you...ohhh here, let a random freaked out Christian on the net explain.

Another reason we love Brea Grant

As if it weren't enough she's an adorable, talented, geeky, do-gooder, she's also a fucking riot!!

Only in LA could she find three skinny bitch friends willing to be photographed next to her. You'll never catch ME in a photo with her; my left thigh would swallow her up.

Um...oops

So I know we all decided for my dating health I should never write about my lovelife here again but...I'm feeling like to close out that chapter of my life of attracting dark men like my father, and to give you the bookend insight to my life...I should do ONE more LONG ass post.

What do you think?

The Horror Society reviews THE COMMUNE!

Ohhh here's another gooood one, from Brian Kirst. We love people who love THE COMMUNE!

Hard to beat being compared to Lana Turner, right? I told Chauntal her beauty and fantastic comic timing reminded me of Ms. Platinum Blonde herself, Jean Harlow. But an "angelic Lana Turner" from a professional reviewer in Chicago?? DAMN, girl!!!

A great blurb from Kip Brown In the Can

"Producer/Writer/Directer Elisabeth Fies and Emmy-Winner David Lago come into the studio and nearly burn the place down as they answer questions about their latest film, THE COMMUNE...... This film is a WILD psychological thriller with a surprise ending that you will NEVER forget!!!! Be sure to see this one!"
- Kip Brown, In The Can

Teaching kids Zombie self-defense

It's never too early to train your spawn to survive the zombie apocalypse. It's coming, people. And when it does, I'm relying on my zombie-survivalist-expert-/roommate Kate to protect me from the flesh-eating hordes.

More fun

In a lunch meeting last week with an international distributor, I was talking about how Neil LaBute can suck my cock for remaking the feminist THE WICKER MAN as an updated hate-crime against womankind. In keeping with NL's usual misogynist theme, exhibit A is to watch the Nick Cage remake. But who has the time?

Here I present a 22 second Exhibit B, which the Youtube creator has pithily named "Nick Cage HATES Women." (Not sure about that, he may well be a duped participant. Though when it comes to working with LaBute, it's a pretty good guestimate the result will be disturbingly anti-half-the-planet. Feel such disappointment about his POV, as his writing is often damn good.)

It must be spring; there's another charming rape scene to add to the collective unconsious

Ah, the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and Hollywood's thoughts are turning towards the sexualization of rape.

WATCHMEN played for love and procreation. The unnecessary remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT that inexplicably took out the urine shot that actually made people feel horror and empathy. And now OBSERVE AND REPORT played for lighthearted laughs and heroism.



Thank god 1 in 6 women haven't been assaulted or it might be upsetting to them and the REAL male heroes in their lives trying to protectthem...oh wait. Actually, 1 in 5 have. Hi-larious.

Even more fun...April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! Sooo...maybe the MenCanStopRape.org site needs a little help getting their message of partnership and protection and power used for good OUT there...what do you say, peeps?

I mean, it's not like the media is actually INFLUENCING our actions...since "Rape is a serious problem in the United States today. The United States has the highest rape rate among countries which report such statistics. It is 4 times higher than that of Germany, 13 times higher than that of England and 20 times higher than that of Japan."

Weeeeell fuck. Maybe paying money to see OBSERVE AND REPORT is a bad call this weekend. How about downloading and passing on a little activism that could save your mom or your sister or your girlfriend or your daughter or your best friend or yourself INSTEAD? "Spring"ing for an Impact self-defense class for them or yourself to live a happy, long, healthy, empowered life of appropriate boundaries?

Here are more resources for Men Against Rape. Because seriously...this shit isn't entertaining.

THE COMMUNE on LA Talk Radio

Check out our hour-long interview on LA Talk Radio with Kip Brown IN THE CAN!!! And he wants us back in a month, or to be one of the first guests when they move to the TV show format on Time Warner. Yea, team!!!

April 4th, 2009
Listen or Download.

A cult classic. Writer/director/producer Elisabeth Fies gives a fun and twisted interview about her new psychological thriller feature THE COMMUNE. She is joined by Emmy-winning star and heart-throb David Lago, and brilliant editor/producer Todd Miro for rollicking banter about cutting edge techniques indie filmmakers should be using. Don't miss this irreverent and bold episode; even Kip said he learned a lot! "THE COMMUNE is what THE WICKER MAN remake would have been if it had any balls at all." - Pretty/Scary www.TheCommuneMovie.com

Flutter is the new Twitter

Via Fishbowl LA. My favorite choice here is that it's such a languid piece; the editing cuts leave room to breathe on a satire about speeding up Tweets for the twits to the point of utter nonsense and irrelevance.

The Chauntal Lewis Foundation

Coming soon!

The Ken Paves Fundraiser for Chauntal - Believe and Become

The fundraiser today was fantastic! You haven't missed your chance; there's another day scheduled for April 20th!

Sooooo....yeah. it's true.

To those of you who have been coming here to try to get this information the last three weeks; my apologies. Chauntal's was not my story to tell. But yes, the rumors are true.

My good friend and genius lead actor of THE COMMUNE Chauntal Lewis was in a bad car accident on March 18th. She survived to grace the world with her soul, but she gave up her left hand.

Chauntal is more beautiful, positive, and full of love and light than ever and is going to change the world.

She has received much love and care from friends. You've never SEEN so many flower arrangements in a hospital; she was royalty! (And the new brown hair color on Queen Chauntal is DIVINE!).

Oh and yes, I am already hard at work writing a feature screenplay for her with a character created by Bill Cunningham...a beautiful, witty, noir superspy with an amazing mechanical hand. You will see Ms. Lewis again in the media...as a badass superhero. I also have a whole album-worth of more song lyrics, and am planning on getting into the studio with Chauntal and her musician father as soon as she wants...

Please show your support to our wonderful Chauntal and her rock of a gorgeous sister, Riawna (I love you lady!) by supporting them in the following manner:

From Riawna Capri:

Hey friends,

Riawna here, below are details about the fundraiser this monday and april 20th. And if u open the attachment, its in a way cuter format. :) please post it on facebook, myspace, anywhere and send out to anyone! The more the merrier! Even if u don't want to get hair services, come for the bake sale, silent auction, tanning by Sunset Tan or even just to see the Laker Cheerleaders :) come just to hang out and support the cause :)

Thank u to each and everyone of u. For getting the word out and being SO supportive of my sister Chauntal.


Dear Friends,

We are writing to invite you to the first ever Ken Paves Salon-Beverly Hills day-long fundraising events. A very close friend to the salon, Chauntal Lewis, was involved in car crash leaving her with a need to purchase a prosthesis. Chauntal is the sister to our loved stylist, Riawna. In an effort to raise money to aid Chauntal in purchasing the prosthetic limb, we are offering our services for discounted prices ranging from 35-60 percent less than regular prices. Every dollar that we collect on these days will go towards helping Chauntal. Below you will find information on the time, location, rsvp contact, and the prices for the services we will offer. If you cannot make it we would greatly appreciate any donations and feel free to tell your friends and/or colleagues about this event.

Thank You!!

Dates and Times:
Monday April 6, 2009 - 10am to 9pm
Monday April 20, 2009 - 10am to 9pm

**please note, the salon days of operation are normally Tuesday through Saturday**

Location: Ken Paves Salon 409 N. Robertson Blvd. Beverly Hills, CA 90048

RSVP Contact: Jaisy, (310) 205-0087

Prices: Haircuts $75 (reg. $125+, $90+) Base Color $75 (reg. $95+) Partial Highlights $100 (reg. $150+) Full Highlights $175 (reg. $225 +)> Brazilian Keratin Treatment $300-$350 (reg $500+) Blow Dry $50 (reg. $75+) Extensions $1000-$1800 (reg. $2500+)



TWO OF MY FAVORITE LADIES: Chauntal Lewis

Riawna Capri

Balsamic chicken recipe

INGREDIENTS:
1-1/2 teaspoons fresh rosemary, minced, or 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary
2 cloves garlic, minced
3/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 boneless skinless chicken breasts (about 1/4 pound each)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

Combine rosemary, garlic, pepper and salt in small bowl; mix well. Place chicken in large bowl; drizzle chicken with oil and rub with spice mixture. Cover and refrigerate several hours. Preheat oven to 450°F. Spray heavy roasting pan or cast iron skillet with nonstick cooking spray. Place chicken in pan; bake 10 minutes. Turn chicken over, stirring in 3 to 4 tablespoons water if drippings begin to stick to pan. Bake about 10 minutes or until chicken is golden brown and no longer pink in center. If pan is dry, stir in another 1 to 2 tablespoons water to loosen drippings. Drizzle vinegar over chicken in pan. Transfer chicken to plates. Stir liquid in pan; drizzle over chicken. Garnish, if desired.

So I know I'm dumb at dating and all...

But if the handsome sweet actor guy in his 30s who delivers your food remembers you every time and keeps repeating "If there's anything you need help with, any HELP"...and introduces himself and shakes your hand and is happy you have fierce dogs to protect you...that puts him in the "he's into you" zone, right?

Charmed and enchanted by me? Wants to protect me, wants to save me...not your average LA male actor, right?

Maybe he can help me finish my taxes.

Maybe he can help me eat all this food.

Maybe he can help me be less retarded at dating (and I mean retarded in the dictionary sense...I'm quite behind the rest of my schoolmates).

I might have to be ordering more takeout.