I was able to stand by my mom through her death. I've processed my grief. I've had time to be alone, to be with friends, to read, to write. I'm beholden to no one, no thing.
And here I am now, finally beginning to feel accomplished and believing my writing can contribute something to people. I can do it anywhere in the world, choose any path I want. I have true freedom. I just finished a script I love, that mom would have loved, and we're planning to shoot it this fall. Amazing.
I went to "Becoming Jane Austen" tonight with Heidi, and realized it's amazing how lucky I am living in this era as an intelligent woman. My choices and opportunities are almost as great as a man's, and that's really something too many people take for granted. I can say yes or no to anything I want. I don't need anyone's permission to have a life I love living.
I had a beautiful date last Saturday that I appreciated beyond words. He put thought into it, the locations were lovely, the conversation was fantastic, he was generous and warm and open to me, and a spectacular person. Attractive inside and out. I enjoyed the small part of him I got to know. The evening couldn't have been more fun or made me happier. Just incredibly pleased.
It was all unexpected and accidental, and brought into technicolor that I'm ready to date again. I've turned down so many kind men because of mom's illness, and then her death. There have always been men there for me, but I felt like a ghost of myself. They had all this emotion for me, and expectaction, or wanted an instant relationship, and I was so run down and shut down from supporting mom. Just a shell. It hurt them so much. And their kindness and disappointment cut me.
But now, after Saturday, I've rediscovered how much I have to give, and to receive, and that I can just laugh again and enjoy a man's company and connect with his delightful eyes and feel even happier about my life, just sharing the moment with him.
Like a drug, it makes me want to go experience it again. So many opportunities and sweet men who want to take me out and make me happy. The timing couldn't be better, having just come back from Comic-Con where I was a geek goddess amongst 100,000 men. There were some really interesting guys who asked me out (only one marriage proposal this time), and this time I'm going to at least talk to them all. I even went to a single mingle at sushi last night. Didn't meet anyone I was attracted to, but then got asked out at Blockbuster.
It's spectacular. My life is awesome. Mom only ever wanted me to be happy, and here I am at last, doing her proud after all her hard work.
5 comments:
Um.
Over here.
Crying.
I'm sure she's thrilled.
-Amanda
hi honey. Good to hear from you.
How weird is it that we've still never met?
How was your birthday? I hope you're taking care of yourself, and the grieving is going, er...smoothly.
Nothing to do but feel it, in my experience.
Any fishies?
Other than the sacred pagan date she sent me the other night, I haven't heard from mom in a loooong time.
I have been feeling the same way. Like I can finally be happy again, and not miss my sister so much. With the caretaking, you probably just needed time for yourself. I think you really have to love yourself, and then love will find you.
I bet your mom is really happy for you, and smiling down on you. She is probably sending less obvious fishies now.
That's a nice thought. Though she should know obvious doesn't work with me...she's the one who always had to tell me when a guy liked me..."Duh!!"
Post a Comment