Memorial Service

I'm starting to get pukey nervous about going up north for Mom's Memorial thing this Sunday. Boy oh boy. I think we've established the current Anti-anxiety medicine is not working. I'm okay, I'm just kind of getting that dizzy anxious thing, and my elbows are bleeding from picking at them so much.

I don't know exactly why I'm so freaked out. Partly because I have to travel and stay in a hotel right now when I'm emotional, and getting ready to get out of town is such a chore under the best of circumstances. But I think I'm also wigging about seeing people I haven't seen in twenty years, and all the focus that's going to be on us as family members when I'm stressed and weigh the most I have in five years and frankly don't want anyone looking at me. I'm getting a haircut today, and it better be the best god-damned haircut of my life.

I think I'm also nervous that it's going to be the blur of a wedding, where people tell you kind things and amazing stories you're never going to remember. I feel a duty to remember, but I'm incapable. I'm very concerned about my memory deficits and properly remembering my Mom. How long will it be before I forget the sound of her voice, or it becomes normal not to have the phone ring and have it be her? This is the longest I've ever gone without speaking to her, and it's starting to become very real. I'm not away at camp, and she's not on vacation. I'm a member of the Dead Moms Club.