Say Groove, Suckah!

Oh my God, you guys are soooo funny. Two of you guessed that I got the wedding dress for S-Factor...which is technically right, but premature (been reading their website, eh?). I'm still 3 levels away from that homework assignment. But yes, I will be learning a Bride Strip next fall.

OPRAH ALERT:
S-Factor follow up segment airs this MONDAY, JUNE 6th. Watch it, people! S Factor is life changing, and not just for the women folk! And if you're one of my LA pals thinking about S-Factor, get off the fence and onto the pole for an intro class before it's too late...once Oprah hits, you'll never get in the studio! There's only two intro classes still available, then that's it for another two months.

Back to:

MY WEDDING DRESS HANGING IN MOM'S CLOSET

One of my longest (instead of oldest) and dearest friends Shauna is getting married, and dragged me to Chino in the early AM yesterday for a bridal giveaway thingie. I was flattered she asked me (except for the early morning wake up call - ugh) because I usually feel seriously deprived in the wedding department. The only wedding I've ever been asked to be in was my sister-in-law's, which was great but I was so young that it doesn't really count as an adult experience. And I've been very disappointed that none of my girlfriends have felt close enough to have me in theirs...so going to help Shauna pick out a wedding dress was a new, cool experience.

I'm not personally into weddings. I fantasized as a child about my Oscar speech or directing a sci-fi film, not my wedding. So unlike some of you male posters (ahem, Moviequill) I don't have a bridal fantasy. Never even tried on a dress.

Imagine my surprise when I was told I'd be getting one for free.

Lynchian.

The first three hundred women yesterday at Deborah's Bridal in Chino got to pick through racks of wedding dresses. They were all samples, but most of them were in great shape, and some were quite pretty. I don't know what the racket was (besides the free publicity of getting on the news). They didn't even take anyone's contact info, and there was nothing for us to buy.

We waited in a Disneyland type queue for almost two hours, then they would let twenty of us at a time in for twenty minutes. The rest of us waited anxiously outside the store in the hot sun, totally in the dark about what was going on inside and praying they wouldn't send us home with nothing. During the two hours we waited, giggling women kept running out the door with these heavy bundles of dresses, jumping up and down in the parking lot with their girlfriends.

It kind of reminded me of The Bachelor where there's a sea of brides and Renee Zellweger looks out at them and says "Ah, how beautiful!" Except that I wanted to kill them all for going in before us. It's a good thing I don't have Carrie's psychic powers or there would have been a parking lot full of charred brides-to-be.

I may not be a girlie girl into weddings, but by Zeus I'm a good shopper. So by the time it was our turn to go in, I was like a chipmunk on Coke. Totally fucking rabid, with huge pupils. Especially because this one bitch walked out of there with MY DRESS and then stayed in the parking lot for like half an hour talking to her friend, casually swinging the dress by her side. I could have clubbed her over the head for it. I don't care if I don't have a boyfriend and she has an actual wedding booked. That was my God damn dress.

The Powers That Be FINALLY opened the door for me and Shauna's group, and told us twenty mintues. In that surreal amount of time, each woman (surprisingly, no gay men showed up - probably because the sample dresses run so small, and because they have better taste than to drive to Chino) got to pick out one wedding dress, bridesmaid dress, and one accessory. Shauna and I both chose veils, which I'll totally use at S-Factor - and my bridesmaid dress is fab and will look great at an X-mas party.

It was like being on a game show. Shauna and I left absolutely stunned. Like, did that just happen? Couldn't even remember what the gowns looked like on by the time we got to the car.

The best part is, she just saved a ton of money they can now use on their honeymoon, and she has a beautiful dress that just needs to be altered and cleaned. And if she wins the lottery and gets her designer dream dress instead, she can always sell it on Ebay.

The scariest part was how young the average age of the women there was. I'd hardly call them women. Guess the indigent community hasn't read the statistics about lower divorce rates the older you are for your first marriage.

The dresses I picked out looked crappy on me, so I ended up taking home Shauna's second choice for her (I had to make up for going all bananas when I first got in the store - it was her day, but I kept holding up dresses going "Does this look good on me?"). So she really has two choices, and they're stored in Mom's closet right now.

I think Mom was pretty thrilled to get to see Shauna in her dress (Mom used to carpool her), and maybe a tad happy to see me in one, too. Shauna's second choice actually looks pretty darn good on me, and has beautiful lace and beadwork.

But I don't know, if anyone ever talked me into the old ball and chain, it would be kind of fun to do something crazier.

Shauna kept saying she hopes she ends up wearing this dress, because it's the best wedding story. I mean seriously, that's the type of thing immigrants hear that makes them move to America, Land of Opportunity.

Which leads me to viewing Crash today. Loved it. Harshly honest. If you're an immigrant thinking of moving to Hollywood, don't until you see this movie.

Have to tell you my Paul Haggis story. He was very nice to me.