Sex on Fire remix

Kings of Leon remixed by Sharky and Peter Sar. Download here.

Best. T-shirt. Ever.

Get them for your geeky film friends. Some great ones to choose from. Herzog and Bergman are my favorites, natch. Wiiiild Straaaberryiiies!!!! Woot!

Bonus? They're designed by Cinefile Video in LA, so you're supporting indy DVD renting and indy filmmakers.

I feel lonely / Christmas blows

Getting through the holidays with my usual coward's mixture of denial and numbness.

Cheese and crackers, it's rough. Hope you're all okay.

Flight of the Conchords - Boom

Saw Bruce Campbell tonight

The Chin showed up for a Q & A after a screening at the Nuart of his acting/directing movie MY NAME IS BRUCE.

Totally lived up to my expectations.

Ted Raimi and Renee O'Connor were in the audience, as well as writer Mark Verheiden (you might know him from a little show called BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

Cindy's pix

Filmmakers: the album cover

Giant Joel

Oh, what a good time we had!

Shoes thrown at Bush worth 10 million

Heh.


Every once in a while I think it would be fun to have that kind of stupid money to throw around buying things like that.

Mostly it would just be a worse headache than being famous. Though not as dangerous as being famous without money. Poor, needy reality-tards don't know what hellish lives they bought themselves.


Oh by the way, did you hear Bush has been quoted as saying he doesnt want to be president when the depression starts?

Aaaaand discuss in comments:

UPDATE: Bush's parting shot to anti-choice will be difficult to reverse.

Great. I hope the Bush camp is as worried about him getting shot after he gets OUT of office as the Obamam camp is about when he takes office.

Newsflash: I'm either an official journalist or an official celebrity

Huh.

I've been used in a satire piece. As a quoted "Hollywood blogger".

Me, the satirist. Satirized.

Grooooovy.


Wow, that must mean the writer/publishers think I'm enough of a public figure to be covered under the "public figures are fair use for satire" law. That's a whole interesting can of worms...like, is any blogger covered under this law because they've "published" on the public www? Soooo fascinating. Because that leads to "if innocent Grandma Marge posts a myspace blog once, is SHE fair use for satire?" I love it!!! Wow, what a cool discussion. Go for it! And someone out there with more time than me, follow this pony to its logical watering hole...the script writes itself. (Or so those produsahs always say to me. "Kid! It writes itself, or I'm not Bob Evans.")


And I LOVE that fake ad for the Navy says "You've got needs. We've got men." hahahaha.

'fess up. Do I know someone over at Cap News/Crystal Air? Fun stuff; thanks for the laughs! :) I hadn't heard of them before but I try not to procrastinate TOO much by reading everyone else's awesome stuff...and they have a whole site of awesome.


What's REALLY funny is I went through the same thought process most actual celebrities and journalists must feel when reading their name anywhere in print:

"I never spoke to anyone for this article. I hope anyone who knows me gets that wasn't me. I mean, the eff word is right but used in a way I don't, the sentence structure isn't me, I've never thought that thought...

Unless I said it. Is it possible I said it? No way. Too mean-spirited and devoid of wit. Right? Maybe I am that mean sometimes. Shit. But when have I ever cared enough to comment on Britney Spears directly? I mean, I feel bad for her.

hhahaha is this what it feels like to be Jennifer Aniston? Or, more apropos, Britney Spears? Or even worse, Roger Ebert quoted in that new Mummy commercial as saying it's "The best of The Mummy Series" when he's not exactly a fan of The Mummy Series and gave all three movies the same three-star rating? (Poor Rodge. That commercial makes me giggle every time.)

At least they spelled my name right. That guy I thought I was in love with last year couldn't spell my name right.

I'm hungry. What's left to eat? Is it wrong to eat potato chips while watching THE BIGGEST LOSER finale?


There it is. Inside Elisabeth Fies. Not a pretty sight/site in that simultanously busy and cobwebbed brain. ;)

Ohhh and look at that. My Word Verification code is "Sly Move".

Male sexuality: I feel confusion

About who exactly Scott Caan IS, and why 31 people at Defamer think his penis is so great.

Ah, Defamer. I can always count on them for my dose of accidental full frontal.


Oh...and Marvel? Re: WOLVERINE?

Je t'aime.

Butched-up Jackman, Fucking Liev, AND Gambit?

You've wet the panties of screaming women and jizzed-in-my-pants gays around the world.

Thanks for years of quality spank material.

Holiday fun with fellow bloggers!

Blogger/filmmakers...we love 'em!!!

Matt Irving (Talented DP of WAITRESS, WAITING FOR FOREVER) and Cindy Baer (Director of PURGATORY HOUSE and the upcoming ODD BRODSKY):

Check out Cindy's great Hollywood insider blog.

Fun Joel, original scribosphere blogger and screenwriting consultant extraordinaire:


And this one is actually from last spring, but here is hottie Eric Escobar of Prep Shoot Post fame!

OUT OF SIGHT

Still one of the best movies ever made.

The trunk...

You wanted to tussle...

The tub...

The bar/sex scene...

Roger Ebert is on FIRE!

Consider these snippets from recent reviews, and the whole "Has he gone crazy?" weirdness from that creationist satire post melts away.

From NOBEL SON:
I am reminded of the day I called my mother to tell her I had won the Pulitzer, and she said, "Oh, honey, does it pay anything?" She meant well. She just didn't see how I could make a living just ... going to the movies...

Danny DeVito is a "recovering obsessive-compulsive" gardener, which is just as well, because imagine how often you'd want to wash your hands in that line of work...

Assume these actors have not chosen this screenplay as a waste of their time. That would be "Four Christmases."

From THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (read the whole review, it is DELIGHTFUL!):
The message of the 2008 version is that we should have voted for Al Gore. This didn't require Klaatu and Gort. That's what I'm here for.

From BEAUTY IN TROUBLE:
Most of the Czech films I've seen seem to sidestep plot, ideology, message and genre in order to celebrate people who have personalities peculiar to themselves. Some are funny, some gloomy, some eccentric, some sweet, but all very, very individual. There could not be a Czech action hero because he would be too whimsical. That's why Prague is the Mecca for so many action heroes from elsewhere. You can't just leave the Charles Bridge sitting there. Someone has to be machine-gunned on it.

This is the kind of film that achieves one simple but difficult thing: It pleases you. It has no particular insights, no truth to convey, no sure-fire gimmick to sell tickets, no stars you've heard of (although they are big in the not inconsiderable Czech film industry). You can safely attend dinner parties not having seen it. But for two hours you feel you have chosen wisely and not wasted your time, and you smile a lot.


I heart Roger's insights and his fluffy soul.

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far Far Away...

Say, BEFORE the prequel...

Had this Pottery Barn set been available (in 200 thread count! A vast improvement over the standard STAR WARS fare)...

It totally would have rocked my Bachelorette pad.

Ah, what could've been. What grand adventures we could've seen...

THE SPIRIT is ridiculously cool

Come on! How sick would these evil secretary glasses look on me???

Je t'aime, naughty specs.

Mr. Bill Cunningham

Check out THE COMMUNE's newest, shiniest blurb...from our original blogosphere friend Mister Pulp himself:

"The bastard child of THE WICKER MAN and Greek tragedy, THE COMMUNE is a heady mix of myth and mystery, featuring a young virgin who finds herself isolated in a remote commune of religious "family" members with a sinister agenda to ensure their supernatural survival.

Tyro director Lis Fies deftly blends the tragic with the outrageous, painting her feminist motion picture with a bloody, psycho-sexual brush. Haunting imagery and symbolism underscore the horror of entrapment, sacrifice and familial dysfunction as Jenny (Chauntal Lewis) confronts the evil that is her father (Stuart G. Bennet ) and his new family. THE COMMUNE is uncomfortable in the best possible way -- igniting revulsion -- but forcing you to keep watching as its sordid tale unfolds."
- Bill Cunningham, The Mad Pulp Bastard


Bill screened my film twice during our long editing process (at the very beginning and very end). Both times he gave absolutely indispensible advice on cuts, music and sound design. If you're making a movie, webserial, short, (or let's face it, ANYTHING you expect people to actually sit through and pay for the privilege to see) you'd be a fool not to consult with him.

Venice is flooded

:(

Meanwhile, I'm in my hometown and it's warm weather and way below the rainfall they need.

Nope, nothing to global warming.

Just not meant to be

Or, file under "God is punishing you".

Or "It's not me it's you?"

Sorry. That's pretty dark. Fies family humor; it had us laughing in the chemo room.

Stop me before I Elf again

Filed under "so wrong it's even wronger"...I present...

The Hero Hoedown!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Words can't describe:

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Time to Elf Yourself!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Elf me? Elf you!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Oh man, my lifeless, bouncing visage is going to inform some nightmares...

Woke up thinking about music

Seriously had hit the snooze alarm, like, ten times. Then a song actually woke me up out of a dead sleep...one I'd never heard, that I instantly recognized.

I haven't really mentioned this before, but I'm very good at finding other artists. I sniff out the stars effortlessly. Back in high school I used to write their names down when I recognized it. Nowadays I've cast them in my staged readings or short films or PISTOLERAS or referred them to fellow directors.

It's really about seeing the emotion. Who is willing to FEEL?

And I woke up to this song that is the epitome of artistry. The writer/singer's willingness to be bold, vulnerable, and feeling in front of us is not only why we make movies and music, by the very reason we're alive.

Apparently it's been around for six months, but it was the first time I heard it, and it broke my heart.

SOMETIME AROUND MIDNIGHT by Airborne Toxic Event

Not in love with the video, I often find videos distracting from the beauty of the song. But the lyrics are on that link, and wow are they poetry.

Raw emotion. Thank you for that. Very brave, and painful, and gorgeous.

This part, my gods:

And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Beautiful.

Guns N' Roses

Look at that stance. The energy. There's instantly no question. It's IT.


Three or four times a generation, someone comes along who just IS a rock star.

And the rest of the singers mimic them like they were top twenties on American Idol.

But you can't take it away from them. It doesn't matter how fucked up they are, how unhappy, how incoherent or washed up...a rock star always has IT. And nobody else ever will. And that's why they blow the poseurs away. They're channeling Norse gods onstage, and no one else can touch them. Their ability to feel and transmute is electrifying. The work of shamans.

Hendrix, Morrison, Elvis, Lennon, Cash, Prince, Bono, Hutchence, Kobain, Axl. Tina Turner. Rock stars.

You see it in a few male actors, too. It's very telling that my first thought looking at Axl's photo was "Is that Mickey Rourke?" Because it could have been Phoenix, Kilmer, Crowe, Brando, Dean. The ones you can't take your eyes off of.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeeassssssss!!!!

A Titus Pullo/Lucius Vorenus movie sequel to ROME????????

I feel greaaaaaat tingling joy. I shall name this joy Puuuuullooooooooo.

Wow, do we get to watch Agrippa build the Panthenon??? I loved seeing the Pantheon in Roma, with that little shit's name on it for all eternity.

Never told you guys about the night I had a waiter who looked EXACTLY like Ciaran Hinds. Well, I didn't have him. He had a fat wedding ring on. But it's alright to look. Leer. Drool.


Wait a minute...wait just one hot Roman minute...how can they possibly make this movie when the whole effing amazingly perfectly rendered Rome set was destroyed because of cancellation?


Ohhhhh I'm watching BOSTON LEGAL and Kelley just snuck in a way to use Candice Bergen's swimming footage from THE MAGUS. Damn, that was nicely played, David E. Kelley. Hats off to you, maestro. Even better than the episode you worked around Shatner's black and white lawyer footage. Sad to see BOSTON LEGAL go next week.

Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nanchucks

That's not really accurate. Bruce Lee BEATING TWO MEN'S ASSES DOWN playing ping pong with nanchucks. Fuck. See why people are still obsessed with him?

Via Aint it Cool.com:

BONES sexy librarian fantasy

For Raquel ;)

NSFW Web Anthropology: The playful penis

I may never understand the enigma wrapped inside a bologna sandwich that is men's relationship with their dongs. More specifically, their dress-up time with their trouser snakes.

Women pretty much just DON'T sit around and play with their lettuce and tomatoes, drawing on them and inventing new ways to make their friends accidentally glance at them. Apparently we're missing out on one of life's greatest joys...

The Ksubi eyewear calendar






Natalie Portman's Ex's CD liner notes:


Random webphoto stumbled upon:


Probably not designed by a woman:


Penis humor:


Also of wonderment...that game in the movie WAITING where the males took turns surprising each other with forced looks at their ballsacks...Can't imagine a girlfriend jumping out from behind a curtain with her clam flapping and painted neon blue, then calling me gay...or walking into the room with her glass-cutter exposed between two buttons of her workshirt...

That damn lion post

The one I linked to eons ago that a bunch of you couldn't get to work. So here. Have a good cry on me. Just don't take the advice at the end...in general, not a good idea to get back in touch with others. IMHO.

My Name is Bruce

Bruce Campbell is doing a limited-city tour with his newest starring/directorial vehicle MY NAME IS BRUCE. Check his website for appearances. He'll be in LA December 19th; drop me a line if you want to go see The Chin with me.

MORE retail stores to close

Here are more stores analysts predict will downsize or close by 2009 unless they sell sell sell on Black Friday:


Rite Aid

Pier 1

Cost Plus

Williams-Sonoma

Saks Fifth Avenue

Eddie Bauer


Um...that list feels chilling.

Thankful for

I love witnessing people helping each other. Ultimately it's the belief I cling to that keeps me going...that deep down, most of us really just want to get along and give a hand up when we can.

CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW SEASON 2 is available free on vh1.com. If you need a cathartic release today, I highly recommend Busey's breakthrough episode. I felt moved.

Thanksgiving eCard for single women

Perfect. Thanks to Hugo for the heads up.

And don't miss their two pages of additional Thanksgiving Day cards. Guffaw-inducing.

Pumpkin recipe to make your stomach growl

Personally I can't watch any cooking shows or IRON CHEF-type things because it drives me insane not to get to eat the food after watching them make it.

But I was watching ABC News and they had this amazing-looking sidedish that I thought some of you might want to make. For me. On Thursday. *cough* Michael. Because I KNOW you have a spare three hours to make me happy.

Gruyere cheese, bacon, sourdough bread, pumpkin seeds and pecans...YUMMY.

Creative types: Video Head or Music Freak?

So I'm a Video Head, as Charles Yoakum explains beautifully in this post. I always work on the computer with the TV/rented DVDs on in the background. It functions as white noise and makes me MORE productive. It helps me to keep track of the hours, remember to pee, not feel as alone. And occasionally I glance up and catch a great idea for my own projects or writing.

Charles is a Music Freak. He draws and does his computer work while listening to music. I find that impossible. Something about music overinvolves me, and it never fades in importance level to the work I'm doing.

Which are you?

BSG

is coming.

Well played, BLACK DYNAMITE

Nice. Some brilliant 1970s Blaxploitation coming your way...but watch closely. This puppy was made in 2008.



If that didn't have you snorting Cheerios out your nose on this fine Sunday morning, your inner child may need a jumpstart.

Mickey Rourke's not through yet

Fantastic actor, often given short shrift. I've been so happy for his "comeback" in SIN CITY (Comeback? Check his IMDb record; dude never stopped working just because he wasn't being noticed.). And now THE WRESTLER:



I'm there. Love it.

And if you haven't seen the also criminally underrated Walter Hill's fascinating JOHNNY HANDSOME, rent it. Netflix has it, so other places must, too. Unfortunately it's pan and scan, but it's better than an old VHS copy. And it's Rourke's last great 80s performance. Stunning work. (Um...not that WILD ORCHID wasn't stunning also but...well...okay, last best non-actual-sex-on-camera 80s role.)

Faulty Thesis

Hmmmm. More good news/bad news.

Good news. There are just as many handsome men interested in me in LA as there were in Italy. They just all hang out in Silverlake listening to eclectic live music.

Bad news. My thesis is totally wrong, therefore my studying/thoughts/conclusions/decisions are wrong.

The only constant here is me.

I've changed. Somehow. Some weird shift.

It's the only possible scientific explanation. It's not my weight or hair or my presentation. No.

I've changed, and multiple men can tell.

What is different about me? It must be an attitude, a belief-system, an energy...

What.

Is it...newfound confidence?

From seducing gobsmacked, grateful, underaged Roman God specimens? In under five seconds each? The spectacular, finally guilt-and-emotion-free-yet-still-intimate sex?

Have I turned into Angelina Jolie?

No. The waitress still called me sweetie and honey. Women don't do that to female predators. They bitchslap them down. So I'm not overly threatening or sexual. Just entirely approachable, watchable, desirable to a dozen men suddenly...?

Oh god, is it just that I never noticed before but the right ones were always there, interested? And now when I look around the room they meet my gaze instead of pretending to stare about a foot above my head, or quickly looking away?

Maybe I've not been in the right venues before, with people of my value system and interests. Picking the wrong public places where I could meet someone. And these guys are looking to meet a quality girlfriend so they don't look away?

But then what about the sudden influx on the dating sites, too? No. It must be my energy. My belief in scarcity and The One being shot to shit.



I will know. I will know the answer.


And then I will tell you. So you can be happy, too.

And then I will build the most awesome loving partnership on this screwy planet of ours. And brag waaaay too much about the great daily sex we have and how I get to give him hour-long blog jobs all the time and how he gets to hold my hand and kiss me whenever and wherever he wants and use my arm as a pillow when we sleep.

List of stores closing nationwide: watch that Christmas shopping!

Well this news should make you feel great about our recession. Urgh.

Okay, here's the way to use this info for Christmas...DON'T buy anyone gift cards or anything you're thinking of as "returnable". DO go to these stores for clearance items and to use up your gift cards/store credits.

And above all when you think about all the layoffs and influx of competition into your job market...stay calm, breathe, have a martini.


THE LIST:

Circuit City stores... most recent (? how many)

Ann Taylor - 117 stores nationwide are to be shut

Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug, and Catherine's to close 150 store nationwide

Eddie Bauer to close stores 27 stores and more after January

Cache will close all stores

Talbots closing down all stores

J. Jill closing all stores

GAP closing 85 stores

Footlocker closing 140 stores more to close after January

Wickes Furniture closing down

Levitz closing down remaining stores

Bombay closing remaining stores

Zales closing down 82 stores and 105 after January.

Whitehall closing all stores

Piercing Pagoda closing all stores

Disney closing 98 stores and will close more after January.

Home Depot closing 15 stores 1 in NJ ( New Brunswick )

Macys to close 9 stores after January

Linens and Things closing all stores

Movie Galley Closing all stores

Pacific Sunware closing stores

Pep Boys Closing 33 stores

Sprint/ Nextel closing 133 stores

JC Penney closing a number of stores after January

Ethan Allen closing down 12 stores.

Wilson Leather closing down all stores

Sharper Image closing down all stores

K B Toys closing 356 stores

Loews to close down some stores

Dillard's to close some stores.

Technorama 617 Monstro Sensor, 28K resolution, 1-25 fps, $55,000

Great. Now MY brain has exploded.

I knew I should have gone to bed.



Yet and still, as crazy as it is to think YOU TOO CAN MAKE IMAX MOVIES, Jonas does a great job nailing why Red's Redmas announcement is a huge disappointment to the prosumer market.

And yeah boys, seriously. Whose computer can handle your specs? That's a serious investment to add on to "affordable" cameras. In this apocalyptic market.

Todd, want to weigh in after paying a gazillion for your (now outdated) pro editing suite?

Um...duh.

The local LA news just interviewed the cranial facial specialist on duty in Dallas when JFK was wheeled in. Poor guy.

The big conclusion to this "story"?

Picture a plastic-surgeried generic anorexic "hot" newswoman with voice dripping with false concern/sincerity:

"Doctors say even with today's medical advances, President Kennedy would not have been able to survive his wounds."


Well. No.

Not unless not having a head becomes a scientific reality.


Seriously, this dribble is our news? I mean, come on. Compared to Europe, we're spoonfed news for citizens without fucking heads.

My god. Christ on a crutch. "Doctors say..."

Ohhhhhh that's it. I'm going to bed, gas or no gas. I feel too angry to be awake. "Doctors say."

Saw the man's head blown off what, 42 times in Stone's JFK? "...would not have been able to survive his wounds." Well, praise Allah for that. JFK living without a head.

Wonder if Matt and Trey just heard that. Built in sequel to their famous episode "Britney's New Look".

Dammit I'm mad. Don't you get how patronized we are? Don't you feel steamed?

They think we're idiots. We're getting the news we deserve.

Celebrities Without Makeup: Part Deux

Lis in orange peel mask, Coral in smartypants specs.


Celebrities: They're Just Like Us!


Lis and Brenda ride the train in Italy! In no makeup!

That's Good/That's Bad: The Food Edition

Good: Delicous French bean soup at Pitfire Pizza with the awesomeness that is go-gettress Cindy Baer.

Bad: Up all night with the most FOUL GAS.

Sigh.


Are my bean-eating days over? Am I destined to plan meals around Bean-o?

Or become the kind of blog that updates you constantly on the State of My Bowels? (Ahem, Dooce, I'm farting in your general direction...)


What?? Oh no...my eyes are tearing up and it's not the blue cloud around me...Seriously? Kevin Bacon is FIFTY? I'm OLLLLLLLLD...

Oh well. At least us oldsters still look pretty good, even if our insides are rotting.

On 13,000 newspaper jobs lost

And the writers asked to work for "Exposure".

Sigh.

Free Dark Knight script

Good for the WB.

Celebrities without makeup

I, for one, feel better.

Oh. Or was I supposed to cognize the converse conclusion from this evidence? More like, wear makeup 24/7 and have the world at your feet.

Soooo happy

My friend brought her pix from Italy over today. Yea! Some Firenze, Tuscany, and Roma!