Tiny Green Houses

Was just sent this article by Mr. Cunningham.

Seriously, this tiny little dream is mine. Get an adorable house in the middle of nowhere with my man. Write and watch movies and make money doing a little webwork and snuggle and have sex to my heart's content, and journey a few times a year to LA for meetings. Make a movie every two years or so and just fly to the location. So doable.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girls

Soooo true. Though not as memorable a name as Magical Negro, which is perfect for film criticism and terrifying when the RNC uses it to define Obama.

Anyway, glad the AV Club called foul on MPDGs. You know, there'd be less complaining about these shallow characters if more than 1 in 10 films had female protagonists with stories the tertiary male characters revolved around...

Duuuude...kill the insomnia

Is anyone else just an anxious mess right now, going over everything they've ever done wrong?

What the fuck. I really am having a midlife crisis.

For fuck's sake. If anyone else said the things I say and do to myself daily, I'd slap the supervillain out of them. Fuck.

Are you having a midlife crisis?

Because I am. This quiz explains a lot.

And apparently I'm either ahead of the curve again, or am going to have a thankfully short life.

Box office inflation

More fun recession news. Is it just me, or is this like your parents being unhappy with a 4.0 because with AP classes you could have gotten a 4.5? "Try harder..." Come on, theatrical releases are dead. These movies did pretty okay, right? PATCH ADAMS will withstand the test of time, right?

Sorry, guys. News is slow and boring this time of year. I'm boooooooored...

If you're superbored and can't find anything on the net to help you procrastinate, try watching TEQUILA SUNRISE. Great overlooked movie.

Hollywoodizing

Most artists are retarded at business, and use it as an excuse to never buckle up and learn business, thus effing their careers.

One of the more joyless aspects of being in Hollywood is you really do need to learn how to elevator pitch your products, and even harder, yourself. Seeing as most of us can't even look ourselves in the eye in the mirror for more than five seconds (try it), truly examining yourself and identifying your strengths and translating them into marketing hooks is a BITCH.

Ever since I wrote PISTOLERAS, some helpful people around me have been calling me a female Tarantino. There are two problems with that:

1. That comparison was used by every fratboy cinephile wannabe director in the 90s, and no suit is going to light up about another jackoff who can't hold a candle to maestro Tarantino and is going to lose them another bucketload of moolah saying they're just like him.

2. It's not true.


I don't know, there's a lack of squeamishness. We're raunchy and have trucker mouths, and we both use movie references and expand on them instead of just regurgitating them, and I do write dialogue well but...

But Tarantino is a master craftsman. One of the best writer/directors ever. He's meticulous, he's postmodern, and he's highly stylized a la Mamet. He may come off like a jazz improvist, but he's a Mozart. That's not me.

So I kind of chewed the phrase around on my cud and now I'm spitting it back out. False data. Next try...

Strangely enough, for the second time now I've heard I'm like Larry Cohen.

Now, mind you, this phrase will probably not generate very much excitement in an office either because this would be presuming Hollywood types actually watch movies and know their artists. Honestly, a frightening amount don't; are MBA types and prom queens here for their lottery ticket.

But to have heard writer/producer/director Larry Cohen, from two people I respect, who totally know their shit...Well, obviously I had to go rewatch some Cohen with my study cap on.

I started with MANIAC COP and thought huh. This is really freaking great. Intense. Outdoes TERMINATOR in some scenes, which is, come on now, wow. But I'm not sure what it has to do with me.

Then I watched Q: THE WINGED SERPENT. And it was fantastic. Super-fantastic. And a lightbulb inside warmed up to the heat-level of an easy-bake oven...

This guy is subversive. Witty. He's got real-world truths to say and he's throwing them into a fun B monster movie. There are amazing, truthful beats. The world is complicated and corrupt. There's method acting. Every character is flushed out and taking up the screen. Hmmmm...

Now tonight, I'm in the middle of watching HELL UP IN HARLEM. Oprah lightbulb. I get it. Man, it's RAW. Gritty and violent. EMOTION always wins out over technique (which I'm totally down with -- always.). Outrage. Underdogs. Unblinking, unpulled punches. Tough to take societal commentary. Character with a capital C. Again, all wrapped in an "eploitation" film (whatever the fuck THAT means...as if the voyeuristic gaze wasn't always exploitive, and some producers don't care if their movie makes money...).

What an honor. Nice to be thought of this way. (Yes. It's nice to be compared to the exploitation "King of Schlock". Man, people just don't know what they're talking about when they talk about movies. Freaking blowhards... On the one hand saying he's created the greatest monster movie of all time, on the other hand judging the genre as subpar. Fuck you. A movie is a movie is a movie; we need ALL the genres, done to the nines. Just 'cause you lob Oscars at dramas doesn't make the genre better or harder to do than any other.)

Don't know if it'll help my Hollywood elevator speech...but I'd like to meet the man. I'm only two degrees separated from Mr. Cohen, and it would feel great to shake his hand sometime.



Here's a journalist who "gets" Larry Cohen, and in all honesty it sounds like exactly what I'm up to. Atmosphere and satire. Politics and psychology. Love it.

"Larry Cohen is the king of schlock, graduating from TV writer to director of low-budget horror, with a specialty in atmospherics and sly satire. It’s alive. His finger is on the social pulse from artificial insemination to killer babies, and at least four of the latter are not very pleased with their parents here. It lives again. Despite titles like these, he’s no hack, but a sophisticated architect of narrative and psychology. Even in the 70s he approached topics that pin-pointed American obsessions with divine injunction as an excuse for massacre. God Told Me To says it all, as an outbreak of murders in New York by police, crowd-killers and family men is explained by the piety of that deadly phrase."
- Noel Purdon, The Adelaide Review

I won't aplogize; this man is my hero

Philadelphia Man Shoots Talker During Movie.

My three favorite details?

1. That James Joseph Cialella Jr looks like one pissed, badass Sopranos thug, with a name to match.

2. That the movie the badass wanted to hear was BENJAMIN BUTTON. A total pussy chick flick.

3. That he shot the talker, then sat back down to watch the rest of his chick flick.


Sir, you are alright by me.

Mark my words, this man is getting marriage proposals and all the conjugal visits he wants. He's going to be a cellblock hero.

It may be the best life move he's ever made.


Hell, now THAT man could provide and protect after the impending zombie holocaust or apocalyptic nuclear attack. I'm sticking near his Mad Max motorcycle.

Separated at Birth - Larry David and Lis Fies

My Larry David moment

Ever see the CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM episode "The N Word"?

Where Larry whines "But I was QUOTING someone!"


I was at a small Christmas party where this lawyer ended up dominating the whole room, loudly deriding liberals who had voted for Obama as being stupid (everyone in the room but him) and saying derogatory things about gay marriage (my good friend in the room is gay, whom I always refer to as Litigous Friend as he threatens me to never use his name on the blog). It was all "I tell my gay clients" this, and "I tell x clients" that, and everyone was labeled and it was just hideous and judgemental and righteous and everything I hate.

After not taking several directions from people to change the subject, stop sermonizing, etc., and me making increasingly aggressive threats for him to let someone else speak that were quickly heading towards me decking the guy, Brenda (big sis), Litigous Friend and I leave. In really foul, angry moods. We were just aghast at the nerve of this bigoted blowhard.

My sister and I decide to stop at the Dollar Store to look for paper products for our own upcoming holiday party. Which we very specifically called a holiday party, to include everyone. But all the store has for paper plates were Christmas themes or Santa. Brenda was fretting Santa. "We said it was a holiday party. Can we have Santa now? Will it offend our Jewish friends? What about Kwanzaa?"

Of course as a little sister not REALLY being asked for my opinion, and as a quarter Jew by blood who knows NOTHING about the religion or how practicing Jews might feel, I tentatively say "I don't think so. I think they'd be fine with it."

As usual per my little sister advice, this statement does nothing to assuage Brenda's nerves. She continues to ruminate in the Dollar Store aisle as I get more and more bored and have too much time to stew about that asshole at the party. The third time she turns to me to ask what I think, knowing she's not going to listen to me anyway, and referring back to bigot at the party, I spout off with "I don't know. Why don't you call your Jew and black friends and ask them."

At the same moment a tiny, ancient hassidic woman walks past us in the small aisle. With a huge grin on her skeletal face, she begins chanting in another language, gesturing wildly, and violently flipping me the bird.

I watch her tiredly. This display is nothing new to me. I was cursed a quarter dozen times like this by witches in Prague. Fucking Prague.

Oblivious Brenda, plates in one hand, cell phone in the other, loudly asks Litigous Friend his thoughts on purchasing the goddamned Santa plates (he thinks they're fine) as the tiny woman continues her voodoo dance around me, cursing my already adequately shriveled ovaries. For a moment I wish I knew the hassidic phrase for "You needn't bother", or had never had that white-washing nose job that ended my many invitations from rabbis to join them Friday night in Temple.

Finally, Brenda notices the crazily-grinning whirling dervish next to me and exclaims "Is that woman FLIPPING YOU OFF?"

"Of course," I reply in the monotone of one who has lived a thousand years too long.

"But...but WHY?"

I sigh. "Because I said Jew and Black."

The woman finishes up her war dance, and with one last violent finger thrust that leaves nothing to the imagination, exits the aisle. I give her a sincere, non-ironic peace sign.

Brenda, still shocked, describes the happenings via cell phone to our Litigous Friend. Referring back to Asshole Lawyer at the party, she loudly jokes about "those fucking Obama voters."

Just as a large black man pushes past us in the aisle.

I stare at Brenda. She puts down the unoffending Santa plates, and we quickly remove our totally offensive and unwanted presence from the Dollar Store.

The large black man trails behind us for half a block.

Back in the safety of our white SUV, we decide maybe we should stop at Rite Aid for plates instead.

Still aghast and unable to process me being cursed out by a misinformed, nosy stranger, Brenda exclaims "That would NEVER happen in New York. In New York people mind their own business."

I inform her how many times it happened to me in the Czech Republic.

As she turns on the car, Brenda throws me a forlorn look. "Do you have to cause controversy EVERYWHERE you go?"


Yes. Yes I do. My very unclassifiable EXISTENCE on this unironic, simple planet of ours is controversial.



By the way, my lost tribe made karmic peace with me not a week later. Three gorgeously plain teen girls in black grabbed my arm on swanky Robertson Boulevard in Beverly Hills. As I mumbled my usual "I don't have any money" they laughed joyfully and said, "Yes, but you ARE Jewish?"

Not getting into the medium long explanation of I'm a German Jew Wallenberg, but the bloodline is on my dad's side therefor I'm only Jewish to bigots and Nazis I replied my standard, quickest truth that most helps the underdogs on this planet: "Yes I am. I've never practiced."

With beautific smiles they handed me a candle kit, explaining that they were asking Jewish women to light it Friday nights for peace.

Let me tell you, that candle emits a lovely glow.


P.P.S...
My LONG explanation of whether or not I'm Jewish goes like this:
"Well, I'm a Wallenberg, but the bloodline is on my dad's side therefor I'm only Jewish to bigots and Nazis and not to those who qualify you for a free Birthright Israel trip or JDate, dammit, and I've never been in a temple because when my father's family moved from San Francisco to Oregon in the 1930s there were no temples within 200 miles, so my grandmother inexplicably co-founded a Unitarian church and my father was raised there. And though he's searched a half-dozen religions in his life for a home, including Catholicism, Buddhism, EST, The Men's Movement, and Wicca, it never occurred to him to try Judaism. Oh, me? I'm an ex-Catholic who totally wanted to be a nun, but I left parochial school in sixth grade because I read MISTS OF AVALON and became a feminist pagan. I had a couple semesters with a Santeria priestess in college and once was accidentally baptized as a Daoist when my Jewish friends took me to temple and it was actually THAT kind of temple not TEMPLE, and they were recruiting converts for Master Cho who gave me the secret words and begged me to learn to speak Chinese so I could proselytize the movement in America. Oh, and I was asked by the Fellowship of Isis to become a Priestess of Bast which was odd because they didn't even know about my Catwoman thesis in grad school. But I'm now agnostic because of the car accident with that drunk driver that ruined my life that I blame God/Goddess/All That Is for unfairly causing when all I'd ever done is devoted my life to helping people through mass media. Thanks for asking! I don't know why people always run away from me screaming when I talk about religion."

No more Santa Baby...Eartha Kitt dies on Christmas

We were just discussing her Christmas Eve. She'll be missed.

But the afterlife...C'est Si Bon for Evil Girls. Ciao, love. Go rock it.

Yes, we're staunch characters

My Christmas?

Stockings with Brenda and Kate and the doggies. Cinnabuns and Veuve. Kate left for MARLEY AND ME.

Watching BAD SANTA with Litigous Friend and Brenda. Roaring fire and beautiful candles. Loads of appetizers with Alex and Liza. They left to see EL TORINO.

Showing Gregg THE COMMUNE (soooo merry).

Prime rib dinner with everyone back. Delicious.

And then watching GREY GARDENS.

3 Catholics, 2 Jews, 2 ex-Catholics who still love Christmas hymns. And the only one who made it to midnight mass was the Jew, trying to rally us all to go downtown to the big Cathedral next year. "Because they only sang two Christmas carols at mass. What a rip-off. That's just wrong."

Nope. Not eccentric at all.

What a fun freaking day. Mellow and filled with laughter.


"Raccoons and cats become a little bit boring. I mean for too long a time."
-Edie Beale, GREY GARDENS

By the way, if I start wearing a turban and dancing to the tunes in my head, you have permission to put me away.

Too much joy?

Every year, my sister and I do stockings for the dogs because, well, that's the kind of stupid shit women without kids start doing.

The thing is, Hero and Stat are pretty smart...large vocabulary...so they actually know "Christmas" and "stocking". They get all nutted up over it. They know which stockings are theirs, and we unwrap a toy at time with them foaming at the mouths, running off with it, then running back for more unwrapping. It's pretty cute, really.

But Hero is kind of a shithead. Actually, he's a total asshole.

I know, I know...heresy. The cutest, most loving dog in the world...isn't a sharer on the playground. At all. He's a spoiled little brat. He'll give you all the adoring looks and licks and snuggles you could ask for, but god dammit don't you get too close to his sparkly new rawhide, bitch. He'll launch all 9 pounds of his body weight at you, growling like a rabied Ewok.

Let this be a reminder to all of you about what we all learned in kindergarten and forgot: greed is bad. M'kay?

Possessions turn even the most loving of us into Gollum. It ain't precious.

So in these harsh economic times, don't sweat it if you didn't receive a new car with a bow on it, couldn't provide the shiniest gadget to your family, or don't love your healthy functioning body exactly as it is...just give the loved ones near you a cuddle, a phone call to the ones who are far, and a thank you to the universe for being alive this cozy day.

All we need is love.

The future is tiny houses

Get rid of your crap, this is where we're moving.

Nature's best photography

Beautiful pix.

6 Phrases to Get Her into Bed

Take out number 6, and I'd say this advice is spot on.

Hello, nurse!

Smart and hot and cool and leader of the "free" world? Jeebus, Mr. President. Put a shirt on, will you? Woooow.

Huh.

The truth about paychecks for screenwriters

Since some of you out there are aspiring, and since WAY too many people in my personal and professional life don't grasp these concepts at all...and since every other yay-hoo I come into contact with has a script they're working on...

Two incredibly informative articles:
Rouge Wave
John August

Some Ecards

Still recommending this marvelous site.

You're bound to find something to offend everyone in your life.

New Match.com photo

Things are going well on Match. Several great guys.

But still, must keep forging on so as not to get attached to any one...and that means keeping photos updated.

So I'm going to post this one, and all I can say is...to that girlfriend in college who told me I looked like a domestic cat, and I got all crabby with you? YOU WERE RIGHT. I'm sorry.

Meow.

Oh, and to that boy in highschool who thought I looked like the Joker?

Why so serious?

See, I'm ALL the Batman villains in one. What a bargain.


Now here's the tricky one where I need your help. Since I'm not a man, yet I have access to so many men's opinions on this blog, thought I'd let you pick. Which girl would you go steady with?

1.
Great smile, can't see my eyes.

2.
Great eyes, tense, forced smile

3.
Looks like I want to swallow your canary.


Meh. Don't need any help finding THOSE guys. Let's cross out #3.

Wish I could meld the first two in Photoshop, but that's just too weird even for me. So which is it? 1 or 2?

Sex on Fire remix

Kings of Leon remixed by Sharky and Peter Sar. Download here.

Best. T-shirt. Ever.

Get them for your geeky film friends. Some great ones to choose from. Herzog and Bergman are my favorites, natch. Wiiiild Straaaberryiiies!!!! Woot!

Bonus? They're designed by Cinefile Video in LA, so you're supporting indy DVD renting and indy filmmakers.

I feel lonely / Christmas blows

Getting through the holidays with my usual coward's mixture of denial and numbness.

Cheese and crackers, it's rough. Hope you're all okay.

Flight of the Conchords - Boom

Saw Bruce Campbell tonight

The Chin showed up for a Q & A after a screening at the Nuart of his acting/directing movie MY NAME IS BRUCE.

Totally lived up to my expectations.

Ted Raimi and Renee O'Connor were in the audience, as well as writer Mark Verheiden (you might know him from a little show called BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

Cindy's pix

Filmmakers: the album cover

Giant Joel

Oh, what a good time we had!

Shoes thrown at Bush worth 10 million

Heh.


Every once in a while I think it would be fun to have that kind of stupid money to throw around buying things like that.

Mostly it would just be a worse headache than being famous. Though not as dangerous as being famous without money. Poor, needy reality-tards don't know what hellish lives they bought themselves.


Oh by the way, did you hear Bush has been quoted as saying he doesnt want to be president when the depression starts?

Aaaaand discuss in comments:

UPDATE: Bush's parting shot to anti-choice will be difficult to reverse.

Great. I hope the Bush camp is as worried about him getting shot after he gets OUT of office as the Obamam camp is about when he takes office.

Newsflash: I'm either an official journalist or an official celebrity

Huh.

I've been used in a satire piece. As a quoted "Hollywood blogger".

Me, the satirist. Satirized.

Grooooovy.


Wow, that must mean the writer/publishers think I'm enough of a public figure to be covered under the "public figures are fair use for satire" law. That's a whole interesting can of worms...like, is any blogger covered under this law because they've "published" on the public www? Soooo fascinating. Because that leads to "if innocent Grandma Marge posts a myspace blog once, is SHE fair use for satire?" I love it!!! Wow, what a cool discussion. Go for it! And someone out there with more time than me, follow this pony to its logical watering hole...the script writes itself. (Or so those produsahs always say to me. "Kid! It writes itself, or I'm not Bob Evans.")


And I LOVE that fake ad for the Navy says "You've got needs. We've got men." hahahaha.

'fess up. Do I know someone over at Cap News/Crystal Air? Fun stuff; thanks for the laughs! :) I hadn't heard of them before but I try not to procrastinate TOO much by reading everyone else's awesome stuff...and they have a whole site of awesome.


What's REALLY funny is I went through the same thought process most actual celebrities and journalists must feel when reading their name anywhere in print:

"I never spoke to anyone for this article. I hope anyone who knows me gets that wasn't me. I mean, the eff word is right but used in a way I don't, the sentence structure isn't me, I've never thought that thought...

Unless I said it. Is it possible I said it? No way. Too mean-spirited and devoid of wit. Right? Maybe I am that mean sometimes. Shit. But when have I ever cared enough to comment on Britney Spears directly? I mean, I feel bad for her.

hhahaha is this what it feels like to be Jennifer Aniston? Or, more apropos, Britney Spears? Or even worse, Roger Ebert quoted in that new Mummy commercial as saying it's "The best of The Mummy Series" when he's not exactly a fan of The Mummy Series and gave all three movies the same three-star rating? (Poor Rodge. That commercial makes me giggle every time.)

At least they spelled my name right. That guy I thought I was in love with last year couldn't spell my name right.

I'm hungry. What's left to eat? Is it wrong to eat potato chips while watching THE BIGGEST LOSER finale?


There it is. Inside Elisabeth Fies. Not a pretty sight/site in that simultanously busy and cobwebbed brain. ;)

Ohhh and look at that. My Word Verification code is "Sly Move".

Male sexuality: I feel confusion

About who exactly Scott Caan IS, and why 31 people at Defamer think his penis is so great.

Ah, Defamer. I can always count on them for my dose of accidental full frontal.


Oh...and Marvel? Re: WOLVERINE?

Je t'aime.

Butched-up Jackman, Fucking Liev, AND Gambit?

You've wet the panties of screaming women and jizzed-in-my-pants gays around the world.

Thanks for years of quality spank material.

Holiday fun with fellow bloggers!

Blogger/filmmakers...we love 'em!!!

Matt Irving (Talented DP of WAITRESS, WAITING FOR FOREVER) and Cindy Baer (Director of PURGATORY HOUSE and the upcoming ODD BRODSKY):

Check out Cindy's great Hollywood insider blog.

Fun Joel, original scribosphere blogger and screenwriting consultant extraordinaire:


And this one is actually from last spring, but here is hottie Eric Escobar of Prep Shoot Post fame!

OUT OF SIGHT

Still one of the best movies ever made.

The trunk...

You wanted to tussle...

The tub...

The bar/sex scene...

Roger Ebert is on FIRE!

Consider these snippets from recent reviews, and the whole "Has he gone crazy?" weirdness from that creationist satire post melts away.

From NOBEL SON:
I am reminded of the day I called my mother to tell her I had won the Pulitzer, and she said, "Oh, honey, does it pay anything?" She meant well. She just didn't see how I could make a living just ... going to the movies...

Danny DeVito is a "recovering obsessive-compulsive" gardener, which is just as well, because imagine how often you'd want to wash your hands in that line of work...

Assume these actors have not chosen this screenplay as a waste of their time. That would be "Four Christmases."

From THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (read the whole review, it is DELIGHTFUL!):
The message of the 2008 version is that we should have voted for Al Gore. This didn't require Klaatu and Gort. That's what I'm here for.

From BEAUTY IN TROUBLE:
Most of the Czech films I've seen seem to sidestep plot, ideology, message and genre in order to celebrate people who have personalities peculiar to themselves. Some are funny, some gloomy, some eccentric, some sweet, but all very, very individual. There could not be a Czech action hero because he would be too whimsical. That's why Prague is the Mecca for so many action heroes from elsewhere. You can't just leave the Charles Bridge sitting there. Someone has to be machine-gunned on it.

This is the kind of film that achieves one simple but difficult thing: It pleases you. It has no particular insights, no truth to convey, no sure-fire gimmick to sell tickets, no stars you've heard of (although they are big in the not inconsiderable Czech film industry). You can safely attend dinner parties not having seen it. But for two hours you feel you have chosen wisely and not wasted your time, and you smile a lot.


I heart Roger's insights and his fluffy soul.

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far Far Away...

Say, BEFORE the prequel...

Had this Pottery Barn set been available (in 200 thread count! A vast improvement over the standard STAR WARS fare)...

It totally would have rocked my Bachelorette pad.

Ah, what could've been. What grand adventures we could've seen...

THE SPIRIT is ridiculously cool

Come on! How sick would these evil secretary glasses look on me???

Je t'aime, naughty specs.

Mr. Bill Cunningham

Check out THE COMMUNE's newest, shiniest blurb...from our original blogosphere friend Mister Pulp himself:

"The bastard child of THE WICKER MAN and Greek tragedy, THE COMMUNE is a heady mix of myth and mystery, featuring a young virgin who finds herself isolated in a remote commune of religious "family" members with a sinister agenda to ensure their supernatural survival.

Tyro director Lis Fies deftly blends the tragic with the outrageous, painting her feminist motion picture with a bloody, psycho-sexual brush. Haunting imagery and symbolism underscore the horror of entrapment, sacrifice and familial dysfunction as Jenny (Chauntal Lewis) confronts the evil that is her father (Stuart G. Bennet ) and his new family. THE COMMUNE is uncomfortable in the best possible way -- igniting revulsion -- but forcing you to keep watching as its sordid tale unfolds."
- Bill Cunningham, The Mad Pulp Bastard


Bill screened my film twice during our long editing process (at the very beginning and very end). Both times he gave absolutely indispensible advice on cuts, music and sound design. If you're making a movie, webserial, short, (or let's face it, ANYTHING you expect people to actually sit through and pay for the privilege to see) you'd be a fool not to consult with him.

Venice is flooded

:(

Meanwhile, I'm in my hometown and it's warm weather and way below the rainfall they need.

Nope, nothing to global warming.

Just not meant to be

Or, file under "God is punishing you".

Or "It's not me it's you?"

Sorry. That's pretty dark. Fies family humor; it had us laughing in the chemo room.

Stop me before I Elf again

Filed under "so wrong it's even wronger"...I present...

The Hero Hoedown!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Words can't describe:

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Time to Elf Yourself!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Elf me? Elf you!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Oh man, my lifeless, bouncing visage is going to inform some nightmares...

Woke up thinking about music

Seriously had hit the snooze alarm, like, ten times. Then a song actually woke me up out of a dead sleep...one I'd never heard, that I instantly recognized.

I haven't really mentioned this before, but I'm very good at finding other artists. I sniff out the stars effortlessly. Back in high school I used to write their names down when I recognized it. Nowadays I've cast them in my staged readings or short films or PISTOLERAS or referred them to fellow directors.

It's really about seeing the emotion. Who is willing to FEEL?

And I woke up to this song that is the epitome of artistry. The writer/singer's willingness to be bold, vulnerable, and feeling in front of us is not only why we make movies and music, by the very reason we're alive.

Apparently it's been around for six months, but it was the first time I heard it, and it broke my heart.

SOMETIME AROUND MIDNIGHT by Airborne Toxic Event

Not in love with the video, I often find videos distracting from the beauty of the song. But the lyrics are on that link, and wow are they poetry.

Raw emotion. Thank you for that. Very brave, and painful, and gorgeous.

This part, my gods:

And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Beautiful.

Guns N' Roses

Look at that stance. The energy. There's instantly no question. It's IT.


Three or four times a generation, someone comes along who just IS a rock star.

And the rest of the singers mimic them like they were top twenties on American Idol.

But you can't take it away from them. It doesn't matter how fucked up they are, how unhappy, how incoherent or washed up...a rock star always has IT. And nobody else ever will. And that's why they blow the poseurs away. They're channeling Norse gods onstage, and no one else can touch them. Their ability to feel and transmute is electrifying. The work of shamans.

Hendrix, Morrison, Elvis, Lennon, Cash, Prince, Bono, Hutchence, Kobain, Axl. Tina Turner. Rock stars.

You see it in a few male actors, too. It's very telling that my first thought looking at Axl's photo was "Is that Mickey Rourke?" Because it could have been Phoenix, Kilmer, Crowe, Brando, Dean. The ones you can't take your eyes off of.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeeassssssss!!!!

A Titus Pullo/Lucius Vorenus movie sequel to ROME????????

I feel greaaaaaat tingling joy. I shall name this joy Puuuuullooooooooo.

Wow, do we get to watch Agrippa build the Panthenon??? I loved seeing the Pantheon in Roma, with that little shit's name on it for all eternity.

Never told you guys about the night I had a waiter who looked EXACTLY like Ciaran Hinds. Well, I didn't have him. He had a fat wedding ring on. But it's alright to look. Leer. Drool.


Wait a minute...wait just one hot Roman minute...how can they possibly make this movie when the whole effing amazingly perfectly rendered Rome set was destroyed because of cancellation?


Ohhhhh I'm watching BOSTON LEGAL and Kelley just snuck in a way to use Candice Bergen's swimming footage from THE MAGUS. Damn, that was nicely played, David E. Kelley. Hats off to you, maestro. Even better than the episode you worked around Shatner's black and white lawyer footage. Sad to see BOSTON LEGAL go next week.

Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nanchucks

That's not really accurate. Bruce Lee BEATING TWO MEN'S ASSES DOWN playing ping pong with nanchucks. Fuck. See why people are still obsessed with him?

Via Aint it Cool.com:

BONES sexy librarian fantasy

For Raquel ;)

NSFW Web Anthropology: The playful penis

I may never understand the enigma wrapped inside a bologna sandwich that is men's relationship with their dongs. More specifically, their dress-up time with their trouser snakes.

Women pretty much just DON'T sit around and play with their lettuce and tomatoes, drawing on them and inventing new ways to make their friends accidentally glance at them. Apparently we're missing out on one of life's greatest joys...

The Ksubi eyewear calendar






Natalie Portman's Ex's CD liner notes:


Random webphoto stumbled upon:


Probably not designed by a woman:


Penis humor:


Also of wonderment...that game in the movie WAITING where the males took turns surprising each other with forced looks at their ballsacks...Can't imagine a girlfriend jumping out from behind a curtain with her clam flapping and painted neon blue, then calling me gay...or walking into the room with her glass-cutter exposed between two buttons of her workshirt...

That damn lion post

The one I linked to eons ago that a bunch of you couldn't get to work. So here. Have a good cry on me. Just don't take the advice at the end...in general, not a good idea to get back in touch with others. IMHO.

My Name is Bruce

Bruce Campbell is doing a limited-city tour with his newest starring/directorial vehicle MY NAME IS BRUCE. Check his website for appearances. He'll be in LA December 19th; drop me a line if you want to go see The Chin with me.

MORE retail stores to close

Here are more stores analysts predict will downsize or close by 2009 unless they sell sell sell on Black Friday:


Rite Aid

Pier 1

Cost Plus

Williams-Sonoma

Saks Fifth Avenue

Eddie Bauer


Um...that list feels chilling.

Thankful for

I love witnessing people helping each other. Ultimately it's the belief I cling to that keeps me going...that deep down, most of us really just want to get along and give a hand up when we can.

CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW SEASON 2 is available free on vh1.com. If you need a cathartic release today, I highly recommend Busey's breakthrough episode. I felt moved.

Thanksgiving eCard for single women

Perfect. Thanks to Hugo for the heads up.

And don't miss their two pages of additional Thanksgiving Day cards. Guffaw-inducing.

Pumpkin recipe to make your stomach growl

Personally I can't watch any cooking shows or IRON CHEF-type things because it drives me insane not to get to eat the food after watching them make it.

But I was watching ABC News and they had this amazing-looking sidedish that I thought some of you might want to make. For me. On Thursday. *cough* Michael. Because I KNOW you have a spare three hours to make me happy.

Gruyere cheese, bacon, sourdough bread, pumpkin seeds and pecans...YUMMY.

Creative types: Video Head or Music Freak?

So I'm a Video Head, as Charles Yoakum explains beautifully in this post. I always work on the computer with the TV/rented DVDs on in the background. It functions as white noise and makes me MORE productive. It helps me to keep track of the hours, remember to pee, not feel as alone. And occasionally I glance up and catch a great idea for my own projects or writing.

Charles is a Music Freak. He draws and does his computer work while listening to music. I find that impossible. Something about music overinvolves me, and it never fades in importance level to the work I'm doing.

Which are you?

BSG

is coming.

Well played, BLACK DYNAMITE

Nice. Some brilliant 1970s Blaxploitation coming your way...but watch closely. This puppy was made in 2008.



If that didn't have you snorting Cheerios out your nose on this fine Sunday morning, your inner child may need a jumpstart.

Mickey Rourke's not through yet

Fantastic actor, often given short shrift. I've been so happy for his "comeback" in SIN CITY (Comeback? Check his IMDb record; dude never stopped working just because he wasn't being noticed.). And now THE WRESTLER:



I'm there. Love it.

And if you haven't seen the also criminally underrated Walter Hill's fascinating JOHNNY HANDSOME, rent it. Netflix has it, so other places must, too. Unfortunately it's pan and scan, but it's better than an old VHS copy. And it's Rourke's last great 80s performance. Stunning work. (Um...not that WILD ORCHID wasn't stunning also but...well...okay, last best non-actual-sex-on-camera 80s role.)

Faulty Thesis

Hmmmm. More good news/bad news.

Good news. There are just as many handsome men interested in me in LA as there were in Italy. They just all hang out in Silverlake listening to eclectic live music.

Bad news. My thesis is totally wrong, therefore my studying/thoughts/conclusions/decisions are wrong.

The only constant here is me.

I've changed. Somehow. Some weird shift.

It's the only possible scientific explanation. It's not my weight or hair or my presentation. No.

I've changed, and multiple men can tell.

What is different about me? It must be an attitude, a belief-system, an energy...

What.

Is it...newfound confidence?

From seducing gobsmacked, grateful, underaged Roman God specimens? In under five seconds each? The spectacular, finally guilt-and-emotion-free-yet-still-intimate sex?

Have I turned into Angelina Jolie?

No. The waitress still called me sweetie and honey. Women don't do that to female predators. They bitchslap them down. So I'm not overly threatening or sexual. Just entirely approachable, watchable, desirable to a dozen men suddenly...?

Oh god, is it just that I never noticed before but the right ones were always there, interested? And now when I look around the room they meet my gaze instead of pretending to stare about a foot above my head, or quickly looking away?

Maybe I've not been in the right venues before, with people of my value system and interests. Picking the wrong public places where I could meet someone. And these guys are looking to meet a quality girlfriend so they don't look away?

But then what about the sudden influx on the dating sites, too? No. It must be my energy. My belief in scarcity and The One being shot to shit.



I will know. I will know the answer.


And then I will tell you. So you can be happy, too.

And then I will build the most awesome loving partnership on this screwy planet of ours. And brag waaaay too much about the great daily sex we have and how I get to give him hour-long blog jobs all the time and how he gets to hold my hand and kiss me whenever and wherever he wants and use my arm as a pillow when we sleep.

List of stores closing nationwide: watch that Christmas shopping!

Well this news should make you feel great about our recession. Urgh.

Okay, here's the way to use this info for Christmas...DON'T buy anyone gift cards or anything you're thinking of as "returnable". DO go to these stores for clearance items and to use up your gift cards/store credits.

And above all when you think about all the layoffs and influx of competition into your job market...stay calm, breathe, have a martini.


THE LIST:

Circuit City stores... most recent (? how many)

Ann Taylor - 117 stores nationwide are to be shut

Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug, and Catherine's to close 150 store nationwide

Eddie Bauer to close stores 27 stores and more after January

Cache will close all stores

Talbots closing down all stores

J. Jill closing all stores

GAP closing 85 stores

Footlocker closing 140 stores more to close after January

Wickes Furniture closing down

Levitz closing down remaining stores

Bombay closing remaining stores

Zales closing down 82 stores and 105 after January.

Whitehall closing all stores

Piercing Pagoda closing all stores

Disney closing 98 stores and will close more after January.

Home Depot closing 15 stores 1 in NJ ( New Brunswick )

Macys to close 9 stores after January

Linens and Things closing all stores

Movie Galley Closing all stores

Pacific Sunware closing stores

Pep Boys Closing 33 stores

Sprint/ Nextel closing 133 stores

JC Penney closing a number of stores after January

Ethan Allen closing down 12 stores.

Wilson Leather closing down all stores

Sharper Image closing down all stores

K B Toys closing 356 stores

Loews to close down some stores

Dillard's to close some stores.

Technorama 617 Monstro Sensor, 28K resolution, 1-25 fps, $55,000

Great. Now MY brain has exploded.

I knew I should have gone to bed.



Yet and still, as crazy as it is to think YOU TOO CAN MAKE IMAX MOVIES, Jonas does a great job nailing why Red's Redmas announcement is a huge disappointment to the prosumer market.

And yeah boys, seriously. Whose computer can handle your specs? That's a serious investment to add on to "affordable" cameras. In this apocalyptic market.

Todd, want to weigh in after paying a gazillion for your (now outdated) pro editing suite?

Um...duh.

The local LA news just interviewed the cranial facial specialist on duty in Dallas when JFK was wheeled in. Poor guy.

The big conclusion to this "story"?

Picture a plastic-surgeried generic anorexic "hot" newswoman with voice dripping with false concern/sincerity:

"Doctors say even with today's medical advances, President Kennedy would not have been able to survive his wounds."


Well. No.

Not unless not having a head becomes a scientific reality.


Seriously, this dribble is our news? I mean, come on. Compared to Europe, we're spoonfed news for citizens without fucking heads.

My god. Christ on a crutch. "Doctors say..."

Ohhhhhh that's it. I'm going to bed, gas or no gas. I feel too angry to be awake. "Doctors say."

Saw the man's head blown off what, 42 times in Stone's JFK? "...would not have been able to survive his wounds." Well, praise Allah for that. JFK living without a head.

Wonder if Matt and Trey just heard that. Built in sequel to their famous episode "Britney's New Look".

Dammit I'm mad. Don't you get how patronized we are? Don't you feel steamed?

They think we're idiots. We're getting the news we deserve.

Celebrities Without Makeup: Part Deux

Lis in orange peel mask, Coral in smartypants specs.


Celebrities: They're Just Like Us!


Lis and Brenda ride the train in Italy! In no makeup!

That's Good/That's Bad: The Food Edition

Good: Delicous French bean soup at Pitfire Pizza with the awesomeness that is go-gettress Cindy Baer.

Bad: Up all night with the most FOUL GAS.

Sigh.


Are my bean-eating days over? Am I destined to plan meals around Bean-o?

Or become the kind of blog that updates you constantly on the State of My Bowels? (Ahem, Dooce, I'm farting in your general direction...)


What?? Oh no...my eyes are tearing up and it's not the blue cloud around me...Seriously? Kevin Bacon is FIFTY? I'm OLLLLLLLLD...

Oh well. At least us oldsters still look pretty good, even if our insides are rotting.

On 13,000 newspaper jobs lost

And the writers asked to work for "Exposure".

Sigh.

Free Dark Knight script

Good for the WB.

Celebrities without makeup

I, for one, feel better.

Oh. Or was I supposed to cognize the converse conclusion from this evidence? More like, wear makeup 24/7 and have the world at your feet.

Soooo happy

My friend brought her pix from Italy over today. Yea! Some Firenze, Tuscany, and Roma!