Ohhhh if that ain't a life lesson. More importantly, Wendy no longer WANTS to save Peter Pan, and can't respect or stay attracted to him. Soooooo I ended it, whatever it was. Little while ago. Felt whoooosh! like I got all my power back. Radiant.
I'll never understand how some people can go through all kinds of heinous trials, have a bad upbringing and choose to become Oprah making the world a better place, while others with awesome loving parents get a hangnail, blame everyone but themselves, and become murderers. It's a strange world.
Anyway, here's something heartfelt I wrote to him back when I believed he wanted to become a Jedi, instead of using his energy for douchebaggery and harming women. Blacked out words to protect him.
My heart on my sleeve after the jump...
Torture
ReplyDeleteYou say you're "A fucked up kid who's all over the place"
You dug the bullet out of your heart and threw it my way
Steel against your onslaught of attention, the late-night texts
Tempting me out of loneliness
Perhaps he feels…? He wants ME…No:
"Won't you be my Myspace friend"
So I can watch you fuck everyone else with flowers, sushi, time, attention
You called them all too, didn't you, and I was last.
That fluffy blue bed is all you offer me
Filthy DNA smear of insecurities
That's not love under any microscope
But you confuse our hearts and make love like it is
Like your deepest wish was partnership.
And we all vie for that possibility
Denial and feeling wrapped in the shame game
You ask your stable to compete in.
Torture is a mouse click away in Bali h'ai
Same mask will be on,
But the winner gets _____________
For a game well-played.
So strip off your soul, Miss
'Cuz "I missed you" What's-yer-name.
But no matter how deep I let you inside of me
Tomorrow's Myspace loaded with some new darling.
Needy 3am lothario
No thought for my safety, "Come ova' But early morning, obviously"
Obviously in by four, out by nine
The late-night whore, five hour shift
Will you even be able to get hard
Or will the bottle have the best of you?
No acknowledgement of the rejections, just "soon."
Soon means texts in two weeks and never.
No interest in my life, my world, our movie.
Don't get too close, or the punishment is greater.
Pulling away again. Polite and distant death to connection.
All for the sake of not causing pain
Choosing to make a dozen miserable
instead of one Happy.
A man without this is nothing; his true power
Radiated back to him in the smile he put on his Woman's face.
Incoherent sentences, 1s and os, sewn together by Guinness
Spilling intimacy across the internet, never the phone.
Beg me to join AIM so I can watch you reject me there too.
There's always someone else to chase,
Plenty of time to waste, but never on me.
I rate less consideration than the mulitple misses
Whose hearts you rape to keep yours beating.
As if that would bring back the innocence
you sold out for excuses and irresponsibility.
Were the busted knuckles for you or her?
Irrelevant to a stained woman when
Rejection's wrapped in protection.
Now I know why she was the only mark on your calendar.
Indelible and bold
But Miss November's in love and blissful
While led-on child-bride earns your baby and ring
Watching patiently from overseas
As you plough your pain into another vital lass.
Asking for no condom to make the danger all the sweeter,
The leaving all the fleeter.
Always choosing the best and brightest flowers
To pluck out their trusting hearts and line your defaced mirror.
Stir their attraction with humor, jealousy and fear so you can
Power through another day denying and abiding the pain you thrive on causing
Ill-will to the vibrant women you admire most.
To each his own, darling
Where are your late night text-abused friends
Who keep you pickled and powerless?
Snap photos of the court jester seepin' it off in his puke.
Laugh at another sitcom joke masking
Trademarked pain and insecurity
basically.
Where is the kind nineteen year old
Whose heart could fill an IMAX
With dreams, ideas, tenderness?
The brilliant mind encased in alcohol
Stagnation, the ideal abandoned.
Moving forward ceaselessly into the past.
Self-expression and partnership gone.
Womanizing and booze destroying the one petrol his
Soul engine runs on: love.
Won't anyone fight for him? Who has ________________'s back?
Irreversible the biggest lie
As you funnel your energy into denial
Your world orbiting in unprocessed fear
Waiting for you to realize
Your experience is not unique and is a gift
To become the King.
Consciously being nothing to hurt no one while
Decimating everyone around you.
Your pain and guilt imploding like a Hulk bomb.
She was his first and last, not yours
As you take up the mantel you smashed off him.
You and I are not friends
or lovers or creators
despite my unanswered offers.
Rejection the only constant.
Though I've felt all your pain for you
And reached up again from under you
To slip my hand under yours in unity, ecstacy.
You and I are co-destructors, complicit
Permanent connection in late night through a web of celluloid
Robotics and younglings and rage.
I am nothing to your world. Unwanted.
So I will unplug and hope that someday soon you will
Raise a 30 day chip to what could have been
Amazing, fantastic
Were you awake and found courage to meet my eyes and hold my hand.
Open the door
The most powerful man I know.
And I will miss you terribly
and all that love you throw away to Him, the victor
With a broken face but a tender heart
Transplanted from every breast you kiss.
Forget the guy. I doubt he has any real friends. I bet you have lots of good friends. Hey, you remain friends with people from high school. How many people get to do that? You do have a lot of good things going for you.
ReplyDeleteTotally get what you mean about people. True there are people like that, but I know people with awesome loving parents and they turn out to be wonderful human beings. I know people from abusive backgrounds and they grow up blaming others for their problems. I think it has a lot to do with where they grew up. Who their friends were.
I had a friend who came from a loving home. She was too nice. Some of her "friends" got her into trouble. She could have gone in a bad direction but she dodged a bullet. Luckily, she had other friends who respected her. She is doing well.
I can think of many examples. Some people from abusive backgrounds go on to do good things because there was at least one person in their lives who did something nice for them. They realized that there is another way to do things.
-Feeling very blessed
Yeah...don't cry for me Argentina. I have two dates on one day this week. Great guys, I'm looking forward to what they come up with. I will be fine of course.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, I DO have great friends...Gosh, I've got five still from PRESCHOOL!!!! Hhahahaha!
The most unusual event in my life is losing a friend, and 9 times out of 10 it's some LA type who never was a friend...
Hey my Lizzie. Lovely, clearly heartfelt poetry. Yet another talent. More commentary coming in email. . . Love, Raq
ReplyDelete